Fifi's IVF Diary

An update on the last year!

2012-01-20T07:46:00.000-08:00

I thought it was about time that I updated my blog as I haven't done for a year now!!
My last post left me about to go on honeymoon and getting ready to start a FET straight after. Here goes:

We had a wonderful honeymoon to Las Vegas and Hawaii. While we were in Vegas we got to meet up with @IVFLondonUK who was to be my cycle buddy, we both had plans to start a FET as soon as we got back from our trips. While we were in Hawaii I bought some cowry shells for me and @listerlady as they are meant to represent fertility, and I also got us a little Tiki keyring to symbolise happiness.

Once we were back, we went to the clinic to get started on our FET. Everything was done - scans, blood tests, consent forms - and then the nurse asked me when I last had a smear. It was in July the previous year and had been abnormal. I had been referred to the hospital to have a colposcopy in October. Everything had looked fine, but I was to have a repeat appointment in April. The FET was on hold until then.

I had the repeat colposcopy and again, everything looked fine. I asked the Doctor about when I could start my FET and he said I would have to have another smear test first, which he did. I was totally fed up with all the waiting and was getting upset. I was so ready for this! I had stopped taking the anti-depressants in January, I was feeling like a complete new person. It just wasn't fair.

Around the same time, my sister found out she was pregnant again. It was a complete shock for them as she had struggled to conceive before. When she told me, I did have a good cry, but for different reasons this time. I cried for the person I had been when my niece was born, for the way I behaved, for the way I felt. I cried because I had missed out on so much with her. I didn't ever want to be that person again or go back to that place.

Eventually I got the smear results through. It was showing signs of precancerous changes. I had to go for yet another colposcopy. In the first week of June I went for my appointment. I thought I was just having a colposcopy but in fact they removed part of my cervix where the cells were. I was quite in shock as they didn't tell me what would be happening in the procedure, it was only once I read the leaflet afterwards that I understood what they had done! I also had a biopsy done to check for cancer. I again asked how I now stood with my FET. I was told that I would have to have a checkup in October and I would also need another smear which couldn't be done before December. I was crushed. I was having my first ever cancer scare and on top of that, I probably wouldn't be able to have IVF until 2012, and that was only if my smears returned to normal.

During this time I had some good talks over email with @IVFLondonUK who had been through this before. She stressed the importance of my cervix being healthy and back to normal before I started IVF again. There was no point in getting pregnant if my cervix wasn't healed, it could jeopardise everything. Although the situation was hard, I knew she was right.

I then had an allergic reaction to the cream the hospital gave me to use, which brought me out in spots all over my upper body, and then I got an infection from the procedure so I had to go on anti-biotics! The hospital then left me waiting for 8 weeks to get my biopsy results so I had to put a complaint in - you can't leave someone that long wondering if they have cancer or not!!

So, knowing I couldn't start on the IVF that year, I decided to have a summer of fun! It was a whirlwind of weddings and hen dos and a trip to the races. I went to Ibiza for a long weekend on a hen do, and I had the absolute time of my life!! I also got a tattoo done in August. I had been thinking about it for a long time, I wanted a Chinese blossom design. I went for two blossoms - one for me and one for DH, and an unopened bud to represent my miscarriage. The idea is to add more flowers when I have children.

I went to see a medium in the beginning of September. My sister had been twice before and my mum had been once, and they had been completely freaked out. It had all been so accurate and things she had predicted had come true since. I previously had an appointment that had landed in the couple of days after my last ET and so I cancelled it as I thought it might be too upsetting. It was probably the right thing to do, as my IVF and miscarriage were mentioned to my mum and she told her that the baby I lost was a boy.
The medium has a year long waiting list and so I had been waiting a long time for this appointment!! I wasn't too impressed, some things were accurate, some not so much. The things that she did say were that my life is on hold until I have a baby. I won't change jobs or anything. I do really feel like that. I would have loved to have changed jobs ages ago but they are understanding about my IVF and I need the maternity pay! She told me I would have a baby soon and she knew about the IVF. She said I would have a three month break and then it would alll start happening around Christmas. This has completely tied in with getting the go-ahead after the smear and how my FET has fallen. So we'll see!

I had my follow up colposcopy in October and the Doctor was happy that he had removed all of the offending cells and that my cervix had healed nicely! He then gave me the go ahead for IVF yippee!! He took another smear test and said that even if it came back abnormal again, he would still be happy for me to proceed with IVF as the changes would be minimal.
I spoke to my clinic and she gave me two options of starting that month and have the transfer in November, or start in December and have the transfer in January. I chose the latter as the first option would have affected my uni course.

My smear results eventually came back completely clear!!!

Other things that happened in the back end of the year -

My best friend found out she was pregnant, she conceived on honeymoon!! Whilst I was very happy for her, she unfortunately told me on the anniversary of my miscarriage. She wasn't to know, but it led to lots and lots of tears. We talked it through and she was glad I was honest with her about my feelings. She also said I can plan the baby shower, seen as I am the party planning expert! I think DH took it hard at first, but he said that he is unable to feel anything other than happiness for them, they're our best friends!!

My nephew was born! Things are a lot better this time around. I can't say that I have completely bonded with him yet, but I have been spending a lot more time with my niece and that is going brilliantly. I actually can look back at pictures from her first year and I can't remember it. It just shows how disinterested in her I was. I feel utterly ashamed. Reading back my blog today was just like reading somebody else's. I just wasn't me.

So, a year on, where am I now? My next blog will pick up from my 30th birthday, where my FET journey began.
I feel a new person. I am ready and waiting for my FET, ready to take it by the horns and do this!! I am feeling a little pressure for it to work with my best friend being pregnant. She is always talking about us together in the future, when we are both pregnant and both have babies etc. But I think I have a good feeling about this...

First appointment in a long time!

2011-01-12T14:09:00.001-08:00

Today was the day I went back to the clinic to talk about getting back on with the IVF. I felt a little bit excited this morning, but decided not to tell my colleagues where I was going, I just said I was going to the doctors.
I had a good feeling when I was driving to the hospital as all my favourite songs at the moment came on the radio one after another! I also felt fine when I saw the hospital, not like last time!
Nasty nurse opened the door and I felt so disheartened instantly, I'd forgotten all about her!! I never liked seeing her as every single time I did, it was bad news and she didn't have the best bed side manner. But I just told myself off and said to myself that it's nothing to do with her, she can't influence anything, stop being so superstitious!!
Luckily I got my favourite nurse, and she gave me a hug and said how nice it was to see me again. We had a chat about the wedding and then got on to the IVF. She ran through again what happens with a FET, luckily I could remember it all.
I told her about the honeymoon next month and said that I didn't know whether to start the FET before or after it. She said she thought it would be better to leave it til after the honeymoon so that I can relax and enjoy myself, and come back refreshed and ready to go.
We went to Paris during my FET last year and we ended up bickering a lot. As I wasn't drinking and trying to get early nights, I was ready for bed at 10 and he was wanting to stay out for drinks and we ended up just being grumpy at each other all the time. I certainly don't want that on our honeymoon. I don't want to be worrying about how much sleep I'm getting and I want to enjoy myself. So I think it's definitely right to wait until afterwards.
I've made an appointment for 3 days after we get back to get going!
I walked out feeling good. I felt happy, smiley, relieved, and most importantly, READY!!

New Year, new start

2011-01-01T03:59:00.000-08:00

Hello! Wow this is my first blog in 8 months! There's a lot to catch up on so here goes:

After having two weeks off work in April, I started to feel much better. I went back to work for a week and then we had the holiday to Spain. It was just what I needed and I felt so much better. I had intended to start IVF again in May, but as time passed, I just wasn't ready.

A friend suggested to me that we should have a good break, and finally get married. It took a lot of persuading to get DH to agree. He was adamant that he wanted to do another FET first. I just couldn't face it. In the end up I think he realised that I really wasn't in the right place to do another FET and I couldn't make him any promises about when I'd be ready. After having only just postponed the wedding for another year, we rebooked everything and away we went.

The wedding was booked for the 4th December. We only had 6 months to go. I promised to myself that I wouldn't do any wedding planning until after I had done my exams in June as I knew I wouldn't put enough effort in and I would get carried away with the excitement of the wedding.

In July I went to Oxford for the weekend to meet up with the lovely ivfchronicles, mrskmummytobe and phillygordon. It was great to finally meet the people I had been talking to on twitter for so long! But then something strange happened. I drifted away from twitter. I lost interest in everything and unfortunately lost contact somewhat with some of the very good friends I had made. At this point I left my ivfdiary twitter and used my old 'real-life' one to keep my twitter friends up to date with the wedding. I couldn't bear to read everyone's baby / IF news, it was still all so raw to me. And it all felt completely alien. I just had no interest in it all and I felt so far removed from the whole infertility thing. I have to say sorry to you ladies for disappearing. You have all been so amazing to me during my IVF journey and I'm surprised you have kept in touch with me after I have been around so little. I have missed out on returning the favour and helping you out and being there for you on so many occasions. And the longer I kept away, the harder I felt it was to join back in. I am going to make more of an effort now and really hope I can slot back into the twitter IF community fairly easily.

The next few months were spent planning the wedding and getting very stressed. It got to October and things weren't good. I wasn't enjoying the wedding planning. It was all a chore. I was having arguments with my mum and sister left, right and centre. My niece was born in May and everything was great at first. I couldn't wait to see her all the time, it was so exciting! But gradually everytime I saw them, I was starting to feel a kind of resentment. The whole world seemed to revolve around her. I didn't get a look in. I felt left out. I was jealous of the new bond my mum and sister had. Nobody was interested in my wedding. Nobody was helping me with any of it. My sister couldn't do all of the fun things I had planned as she had the baby to look after. It got worse and worse and harder and harder. To the point where I didn't want to go round to my mum's if my niece was there. One day she told me to come round and I did, believing they had gone home, but there were all there and I sat the whole evening nearly crying just wanting to leave.

I don't know where it came from. I can only assume that it was rooted in the fact that me and my sister were due to have babies within a week of each other. Everything she had, I should've had. We should've been experiencing it all together. I never sat and actively thought these things, but looking back, there's no other explanation really.

I eventually talked to my mum about it and also to my sister. The hardest bit was that my sister had noticed how I was behaving. She knew I hadn't bonded with my niece. She told me straight that I was missing out on so much and I had to get help. I went back to the doctors. It was lovely to talk to someone who 'got me'. She completely understood everything that I was saying and I felt like a huge weight had been lifted off my shoulders. She told me to go on internet forums etc, and I explained about all of you. At this point in time, there was only me and ivfchronicles that weren't pregnant in our original group of twitter friends. And I know how hard that was for both of us.

The doctor did a depression survey on me, and said that she wouldn't class me as depressed but that everything was obviously getting on top of me. She put me on a low dose of anti-depressants to see how I went. They started to work pretty quickly. I didn't feel much different, but they kind of made everything 'wash over' me. Nothing bothered me, nothing could get me down. I felt kind of numb. I went back after a month and she agreed that as I had my wedding coming up, I needed to feel some kind of emotion (I couldn't get excited or anything) and so changed my tablets. I got lots of side effects - trouble sleeping, night sweats and unexplained bruising - so the doctor switched my back to the other ones.

We got married!! The week before was very very stressful, especially as it decided to snow really badly. I had enough on without everyone whinging at me about how they were going to get there etc! A few people coming from afar cancelled and quite a few people didn't come to the evening reception, but it all turned out ok in the end! 3 of my bridesmaids wore wellies to go the church, and DH had to wear his walking boots but they all got glammed up once we had got to the reception venue.

I didn't enjoy a lot of the wedding process. I can only put this down to my state of mind. It was all too stressful. However, my absolute favourite bit was the actual wedding ceremony. I was on cloud 9, I beamed the whole way through. It was perfect, and that's the only bit that matters - the getting married bit. We then had a wonderful few days in Bath and that made up for everything from the week before.

Christmas wasn't very enjoyable. And I love Christmas! We were away until the 8th December. As soon as we got back, we both got flu really badly. So we missed out on another week of preparations. Everything was so rushed for Christmas. And then my grandad died. The funeral was the day before Christmas Eve. My mum cancelled Christmas. It was a very odd week and none of us have truly enjoyed it. We've had lots of family arguments this week that I suppose is just everyone's grief coming out, and I've been stuck in the middle, trying to hold it all together.

So it's a new year and a fresh start now. I had always intended to start IVF again in January. I don't feel 100% ready, but when are we ever ready to put ourselves through this? I have to just put the last year behind me and get on with it. We have booked our proper honeymoon for the middle of February. I'm going to try to make an appointment at the clinic next week and hopefully work the FET around the honeymoon. Last time the FET took 6 weeks, and there were quite a few weeks where you didn't need appointments etc, so hopefully it will all slot together and I will be looking at a transfer in March sometime.

I'm still on the anti-depressants, although I forget to take them most days and I'm still ok so maybe I don't need them after all. I also need to discuss them with the ivf clinic in case they might affect a FET in any way.

I'm finding it hard at the moment to keep up with my ivfdiary twitter. Because I've been friends with a lot of you for over 18 months, I know everything about you. We're friends on facebook. I know what you look like and I've met some of you. I don't know who any of my new followers are, or any of the new ladies in the circle. I don't know anyone's name, I can't even remember profile pictures! So please bear with me, introduce yourself if you like. Hopefully I'll get back into the swing of it again soon.

xxx

My awesome friends

2010-04-21T01:32:00.000-07:00

Response No 1

I bet it does become a real burden after a while. When I went to see Tony Robbins in London a couple of years ago, we had to start each day by thinking about all the things that are good, such as...
- waking up healthy each day and being able to see and hear the world around us
- having family and friends around us that care about us
- being able to afford luxuries in life such as keeping warm, comfortable and well fed
Those were strange things to think of at the time, but I try and do it each night when I go to bed and it does make you feel better. There's a particularly nice quote from Dale Carnegie...
"I had the blues because I had no shoes,Until upon the street, I met a man who had no feet."
Don't worry about it though Fi. Eventually it will happen and probably at the most unexpected time.
You do well to put it all into words. And don't worry about crying - once its spilled over it can go elsewhere and not drag you down each day. Also telling people does help because it helps people support you in the way you need, rather than them guessing what's wrong. I wish I could have told myself all this jargon too years ago when I felt the same because the business wasn't working out. At the time though you're so engrossed in it all you don't think straight. In the meantime, keep exercising because it releases endorphines into the bloodstream that take away that down feeling! God I sound like an agony aunt...

Response No 2

I guarantee you non of us think you're being silly, so you can forget that one right away. I've just balled my eyes out reading that and really really wish i was there with you just to give you a huge hug and tell you it WILL be ok, maybe not right away but it will be. You've done the best thing you can by telling us all, now we can help you and i'm sure all of us will say just call or come round anytime for a chat even if you don't want a chat but just want company we're all here for you (yeah i know i'm miles away but others aren't - and the kettles always on).Sweetie, i so wish you'd said something, what you're feeling is, i'm sure, completely normal - you said yourself others explained how you feel perfectly.I can only imagine what you've been through, it must be hell and to have all those emotions and thoughts running through your head all the time i'm not at all surprised you cried and cried. love you loads, big hugs

Response No 3

Wow honey!!! My heads gone all fuzzy... was alot to take in. I can feel the emotion you put into that, was very strong. Let it all out, let it go, now it has room to heal. You always seem be so strong & together, but its ok not to be, its normal!! Its ok to admit your not coping very wel. If only we all had the courage to admit it, when we felt like that, thats half the battle admiting it to ourselves, it takes soo much more courage admiting it to your loved ones. Babes im sending you soo much love & healing... you will get there, I know you will. Am really proud of you for opening up... things can only get better... lots of love

Response No 4

hav been pondering over your mail all eve and havent got anywhere with it other than go around and around in circles.i dont know what to say, there is nothing i can say, i dont know how your feeling and everyone feels things differently and i havent gone through what you have been through. all i can do is repeat what i said to you the other week and that was that theres no reason for it not to work other than the unfortunate statistics that havent gone in your favour so far. But it will work eventually theres just no clue of when it will happen which is half the frustration.you have to be strong and positive and battle on through it because its the only thing that you can do. and when it does happen it will be all the more special and wonderful and you will be all the more ready and prepared.in the meantime theres no good bottling it up- u need to go to the doctors and tell them what you told us. you can see a councellor straight away and they might give you something else too as maybe all the drugs have knocked you sideways a little. You cant concider going for it again until you have got yourself sorted first. keep yourself out and about to get your mind off it and cheer u up. and dont forget to talk to me and mum when u need toxxxxxxlove u loadsxxxxxx

It's making me cry reading them again!!!

Meltdown

2010-04-21T00:57:00.001-07:00

So last Thursday I had a meltdown. I don't know where it came from, I don't know why or what brought it on. I was putting some washing away and i looked underneath the window and I thought 'I could just sit down there and have a really good cry'. And I did. And the tears didn't stop for hours. I thought about all of the IVF stuff and my miscarriage.

I was complaining to DF that no-one understood me and that everyone thinks I am OK now, but I'm obviously not. He said that the only way was to tell people how I am feeling. I went to work the next day with red puffy eyes. I sat and constructed an email throughout the morning, with tears in my eyes the whole time. This is what I sent to my mum, sister and 6 friends:

Hi
I've been through a lot over the last year with my IVF and I'm struggling to cope with it now. I needed to let you know that even though I seem OK on the outside and I say I'm alright, I'm not. I had a bit of a breakdown last night. I don’t know where it came from, or why it has taken so long to come out but it did in a big way. I cried and cried and cried, I think for the first time since I got my negative test result last month. And I couldn't stop. T didn't know what to do with me, he's not used to a blubbering mess! Even when I'd calmed down a bit, tears kept streaming for no reason and I really couldn’t stop. I think I've been bottling it all up for way too long now. I think I've not said anything before because I couldn't explain how I felt. All I knew was I felt really down all the time but I couldn't describe why. Then an IVF friend on the internet told me how she was feeling and it was perfect. She said she feels 'Bored, unmotivated, unsettled, irritable, infertile and fat. It's more than feeling down, it's feeling like I'm in limbo with no motivation to enjoy anything.' that's exactly how I'm feeling. And while it's good that I have people on the internet I can talk to who understand how I'm feeling, I can't keep living this double life of pretending everything's OK in real life but being honest on the internet. I said to t last night that no-one understands me and I think you all think I've got over everything and he said the only thing I could do was tell you. You can't understand how I'm feeling, I know that. even if you've had fertility problems or a miscarriage yourself, you can sympathise but you haven't had everything I've had to go through. You might think I'm being silly, there are people with worse problems in the world.to be honest, I've seen other ladies on the internet feeling like this and I haven't understood why until now. I just thought, why can't they get over it? I don't sit and think about what has happened to me and I don't sit thinking about why I'm not pregnant. It's just I feel like crap all of the time and I don't understand why. I feel like I'm living in my own little world. You know who you are - I'm sorry if I've not been in touch as much as I should've been or not been to see you, I'm sorry if I haven't replied to messages as quickly as I should've done, I'm sorry if I've annoyed you or upset you. maybe you can understand why now. I suppose this has been going on since the miscarriage in October / November. Although I felt OK afterwards, I don't think I was. the disappointment of this last IVF has just added to it. I thought I'd feel OK by now, but I don't. I think it has been made worse by seeing t struggle too. as you know, he normally bottles everything up but it is really getting to him too. I want to start IVF again next month but I don't think I'm ready yet. Hopefully with some support in the real world I might come round a bit. The last thing I want is to end up with full blown depression, so hopefully by admitting it all now I will prevent that. Sorry for rambling but I needed to get it off my chest

I cant believe the response i got from my friends. One friend immediately texted me, wanting to meet up and we had a really good talk that night. she said she had wondered how i was coping so well. My best friend was really apologetic, she hadn't known what to say to me (she got pregnant the first month they tried!!) and said it was easier to accept my first answer if i said i was OK. my mum had a bit of a go, asking why hadn't i talked to her before. i also had a long phone conversation with another of my oldest friends. i then had four wonderful emails back, which i will post in my next blog. if you're wondering why it doesn't add up, yes one friend has ignored me. i don't know why i sent it to her really.

The next day i felt a lot better for getting everything off my chest. we had already arranged to go over to my sister's and go to the Mamas and Papas outlet to get some last bits she needed. Maybe I shouldn't have gone. I was doing OK, until my nan started asking questions:

Nan: Have you rung the hospital to get your next appointment yet?
Me: No
N: I thought you were going soon?
M: No not yet
N: Well why?
M: I'm not doing too well Nan
N: Have the hospital said that?
M: No I've said that
N: Well what's wrong?
M: Nothing I'll tell you later
N: Well I want to know now
M: No I'm gonna cry
N: Well I want to know what's wrong with you!

And I just burst into tears in the middle of the shop and had to go running out. It was so embarrassing!! I was doing fine up until that point. After I had sat outside for a bit, I went back in and it was OK again. But I just wanted to go home. But we had to go for lunch, then back to her house to look at the nursery. On the way home, something really scary happened, I nearly fell asleep at the wheel at least three times. In the middle of the afternoon. I just knew then that I wasn't right. I got home to find DF's friend there with a bunch of flowers (he had got the email) and an invite to his villa in Spain. So we are off in 3 weeks time. He has been the one that has surprised me the most. I got two long emails from him, the flowers, the holiday, on Sunday he cooked us our lunch and then we sat and watched DVDs all afternoon. Just the perfect distraction.

I went to work on Monday and found that I had made lots of mistakes on Friday. I just couldn't concentrate either. I went to have a word with my boss and she was great as usual. Both mums had told me to go the doctors and so I went yesterday. I didn't want to cry but of course i did straight away!! She seemed quite surprised that I had done 2 IVFs in a year. I know we all do it, but maybe it is too much for us? She also said that she believes we should be given counselling BEFORE an IVF so that we are fully aware of what it entails.

She said that i could either be suffering from a kind of grief from all of this, or mental exhaustion. She signed me off work for 2 weeks and I have to go see her again at the end of it. If I am better by then, then it was just exhaustion. If not, then it is a deeper rooted problem and it will need to be looked at further. I think the mental exhaustion sounds about right. In the past year I've had an abandoned IVF, an IVF, OHSS, a miscarriage, a failed FET, along with full-time work, college 2 nights a week plus study at weekends, my sister being pregnant, issues with a good friend, dog training classes, poorly grandparents. The list just goes on. No wonder this has happened to me.

99 things about me

2010-04-09T09:11:00.000-07:00

I've been meaning to do this post for ages, but never got round to it! Copy the blog into yours and bold the ones you have done!

1. Started your own blog - Yes, but I don't have many followers!! And I don't know how to make it look nice :o(
2. Slept under the stars - Does in a tent count?
3. Played in a band
4. Visited Hawaii - No but it is going to be our honeymoon destination
5. Watched a meteor shower
6. Given more than you can afford to charity
7. Been to DisneyWorld - I've been to DisneyLand Paris if that counts
8. Climbed a mountain
9. Held a praying mantis
10. Sang a solo - Once when I was 10 and auditioning for the pantomime. I don't sing in public now!!
11. Bungee jumped
12. Visited Paris - Yes 3 times
13. Watched a lightning storm
14. Taught yourself an art from scratch
15. Adopted a child
16. Had food poisoning - Eugh yes from a Chinese takeaway
17. Walked to the top of the Statue of Liberty - No but I'd like to!
18. Grown your own vegetables - Erm cress is about as far as I've got!
19. Seen the Mona Lisa in France - Yes twice, I never realised it was so small!
20. Slept on an overnight train
21. Had a pillow fight
22. Hitch hiked
23. Taken a sick day when you’re not ill
24. Built a snow fort - No but I went in a cool igloo a few months ago!
25. Held a lamb - I think I have but not sure. My auntie used to go out with a farmer!
26. Gone skinny dipping
27. Run a Marathon - I can't run for 30 seconds...
28. Ridden in a gondola in Venice
29. Seen a total eclipse - Yes we had to wear these weird glasses!
30. Watched a sunrise or sunset - Nothing beats an Ibiza sunset
31. Hit a home run - I don't do sports
32. Been on a cruise - I'd like to
33. Seen Niagara Falls in person - I'd like to
34. Visited the birthplace of your ancestors
35. Seen an Amish community
36. Taught yourself a new language - Never taught myself one, only at school
37. Had enough money to be truly satisfied
38. Seen the Leaning Tower of Pisa in person - Would love to go to Italy
39. Gone rock climbing
40. Seen Michelangelo’s David - Where is it?!
41. Sung karaoke - Never, I can't sing!!
42. Seen Old Faithful geyser erupt
43. Bought a stranger a meal at a restaurant - Why would I do that?
44. Visited Africa
45. Walked on a beach by moonlight
46. Been transported in an ambulance - Twice, both with ankle injuries!
47. Had your portrait painted
48. Gone deep sea fishing
50. Been to the top of the Eiffel Tower in Paris
51. Gone scuba diving or snorkeling
52. Kissed in the rain
53. Played in the mud
54. Gone to a drive-in theater
55. Been in a movie
56. Visited the Great Wall of China
57. Started a business
58. Taken a martial arts class - Well, a judo class at school!
59. Visited Russia
60. Served at a soup kitchen
61. Sold Girl Scout Cookies
62. Gone whale watching
63. Got flowers for no reason - I don't get flowers very often!
64. Donated blood, platelets or plasma - I want to give blood again but can't for 6 month's after acupuncture!
65. Gone sky diving
66. Visited a Nazi Concentration Camp
67. Bounced a check - in my youth when I was a bad money-manager
68. Flown in a helicopter
69. Saved a favorite childhood toy - I have lots at my mums and some in my garage
70. Visited the Lincoln Memorial
71. Eaten Caviar
72. Pieced a quilt
73. Stood in Times Square
74. Toured the Everglades
75. Been fired from a job
76. Seen the Changing of the Guards in London - I might have done, I can't remember!
77. Broken a bone - My ankle extremely badly!
78. Been a passenger on a motorcycle - Only on a moped, that was bad enough!!
79. Seen the Grand Canyon in person - No but I've seen DF's millions of pictures
80. Published a book
81. Visited the Vatican
82. Bought a brand new car - My first car was brand new
83. Walked in Jerusalem
84. Had your picture in the newspaper - When I was younger
85. Kissed a stranger at midnight on New Year’s Eve
86. Visited the White House
87. Killed and prepared an animal for eating
88. Had chickenpox
89. Saved someone’s life
90. Sat on a jury
91. Met someone famous - Judge Jules is as famous as it gets. Now that was a good night!
92. Joined a book club
93. Got a tattoo - I keep toying with the idea
94. Had a baby - Soon please!!
95. Seen the Alamo in person - What's that?
96. Swam in the Great Salt Lake
97. Been involved in a law suit
98. Owned a cell phone - Lots over the years. But mobile phones, not cells ;o)
99. Been stung by a bee

Words of wisdom

2010-04-06T12:38:00.000-07:00

I have a really good friend L. We met as she was going out with DF's friend (the one who introduced us). We never really got on, but after a few years they split up but we kept in touch. For some reason, we got on a million times better without our boyfriends there! We had some really good fun and crazy times together, but then she decided to go travelling. She has now moved back to the UK with her husband, but they live in Scotland so we rarely see each other. Facebook has been brilliant for keeping in touch, and so she has been kept up to date throughout my IVF journey.

She is a really spiritual person. I don't know anyone else like her. If we lived in the 70s she'd be a hippy :o) She's really into holistic therapies, tarot cards, angels, dreams, all things like that. And she always knows the right thing to say.

I decided to tell her about my BFN a few weeks ago and she sent me a lovely message. I asked her if I could put it on my blog as it might help others and she said yes, so here it is.

"I'm really sorry to hear that. I can't imagine how devastating that would be, after everything you've already been through. But remember, what doesn't kill you, makes you stronger. I know at times like this when everybody is trying to lift your spirits by saying "stay strong & positive, it will happen" it really doesn't make that empty feeling go away, but you really can't lose your faith..... these challenges are here for a reason & sometimes it's really bloody hard but you have to see the bigger picture, know & feel in your heart it will happen. The most perfect prayer is a thought of gratitude for the things we already have. I know at times it's hard keeping our faith but it's times like these when we need it most. I'm trying to give you a few words of wisdom, it might help or might not but either way, i'm thinking of you, sending loving, healing thoughts."

Next message:

"Glad to help, of course you can put it on your blog. I think you should wait til you're ready, it's like sometimes we can need something so bad that we push it further away from us... I think lots of yoga, meditation, eating very healthily, get yourself in a very positive place before you go there again maybe try some acupuncture, or reiki, even past life regression. I know it's easier said than done but try not to revolve your life around it.... I know it's going to happen for you guys, I dreamt it, it's going to be a big baby too, so maybe you might want to enjoy your nice tummy a bit longer lol....."

She's moving to New Zealand this Summer, so i really hope I can give her some good news before she goes :o)

Decisions

2010-04-03T02:36:00.000-07:00

Last Friday I went to the hospital to have another beta test done to check that the levels had gone back below 2, which is a negative. As I was driving up to the hospital, it came into view and I just felt a jolt in my stomach. I didn't want to go. I sat on the bed waiting for the nurse to take my blood and all I could think of was that I really didn't want to be there.

It was a really brief appointment. She said we can try again as soon as I've had another AF. If AF doesn't come (this happened last time), I just have to wait until I have missed one and then we can start. I'm due this week coming, so anytime after next week is OK. But I'm not ready for that yet.

I have still felt really down for most of the week. I have been getting really fed up with it all. I don't ever let things get to me too much, so it's all really strange. When I'd read on Twitter about ladies getting BFNs and then being really down about it, I just didn't understand, and I didn't know why they let it affect them so much. Now I completely understand and I'm sorry for ever thinking that way about other people.

The last couple of days, I feel to have turned a tiny corner. I have decided to take some advice from my best Twitter bud @vhl_pgd_girl and think 'Positive Positive Positive' everytime a negative thought enters my head. I even survived a trip to Babies R Us yesterday!

Last night we went out for a meal and we discussed when to try again. I can't start straight away. I mean I'm not ready anyway, but my supervisor has just started IVF and we can't both be having time off for appointments and then the ET together. It's hard enough trying to hide it from our colleagues as it is. I have decided to work it around my exams. I have my final two exams in the 3rd week of June and so we are going to schedule it so that the ET would be the week after. We could obviously do it earlier than this, but if I get a BFN again before my exams, I just can't go into a depression again and let it affect them. Not after all this hard work. So I am going to speak to the hospital and start the process in the middle of May, as it took 6 weeks last time. This sounds like a long way off, but I'm sure the time will fly by. My sister is due in the middle of June, so it also works out that I will be able to spend lots of time with my new niece after the ET.

DF then brought up the subject of our wedding! Very odd... He said he feels like he just wants us to go away and do it, but that our families would be too upset. He said that he wants to get married abroad, as he just can't justify the expense of a wedding here. I agree with him in some ways, but my intention is to do it cheaply anyway. My sister had a wonderful wedding and only spent £6000. I could do it the same, and because we are getting married in winter, we can make huge savings on things like cars and photographers.

He didn't seem to be buying this anyway. My argument on getting married abroad is that not everyone will be able to or afford to come. And you still need a big party when you get back. Plus I would really like to get married in church. He agreed to my suggestion of a blessing in church when we got back, but it's still another expense.

I'm hoping he goes off the idea anyway. My dream wedding is a winter wonderland. I have it all sorted in my head, from the colour scheme, to the outfits, to the food and music played. To get married abroad is sacrificing everything I ever wanted from my wedding.

He said that he wants to do one more FET this year, and if it doesn't work, then we will concentrate on our wedding and finally getting married. I need to cancel our wedding that is already booked for this December. We can't keep the church and reception on hold until another FET, it's not fair if they can get another booking.

So, we can finally start looking to the future, and another FET. I think another month or so will be about right for me to get my excitement back :o)

Infected by the Bitter Bug

2010-03-18T14:33:00.000-07:00

I've never been jealous of other people's pregnancies. Even with TTC for this long, it's never been an issue. Whenever I hear an announcement, I feel genuine happiness for the couple. Not anymore. I'm becoming one of those bitter women. And it's happened to DF too...

If ever I've felt sad, or had a tiny moan about someone getting pregnant really quickly, DF has always said that it will be our turn soon and that everything happens for a reason. But then I got a text from him tonight at college. Here is the conversation:

DF: We need to get a card for H & M. She's pregnant!

Me: You don't buy a card when someone is pregnant

DF: What do you buy then?

Me: You don't buy anything it's bad luck. If she has a baby shower then you can then. How far gone is she?

DF: She found out and told family on Saturday. I'm supposed to keep it quiet too.

Me: So only a few weeks then?

DF: Possibly. Wasn't really that pleased for them. Probably a bit harsh. Asked if they'd been trying. Not really was the answer!

Me: Thank goodness cos I feel the same. Never been bitter at other people's pregnancies but nearly cried when you texted me. It's just not fair :o(

I can't believe he felt like that. It's never bothered him before. When we spoke after college, he said he felt bad for thinking like that and he didn't really congratulate them, so he feels awful now. And they're really happy so what can we do?

Things are starting to affect me now. I'm getting sucked into the IVF emotional rollercoaster. I had a tough weekend. On Saturday I read a Facebook status of a pregnant friend moaning that she couldn't drink and was counting down the weeks til she could. It really upset me as I was going out with my friend that night, drinking for the first time in months. I didn't want to. I'd have given anything to be having a reason not to drink. I really really wanted to comment on her status, either to say 'I'll trade places with you' or 'You don't know how lucky you are'. But I know I couldn't as I work with her boyfriend and I didn't want to be gossiped about at work.

I got home from my friend's house on Sunday morning and DF was still in bed so we lazed around all morning. I was on Facebook and everyone was leaving Mother's Day messages, all about how much they love their kids etc. I mean it's lovely but it really got to me and I cried.

We went out for the rest of the day and then me and DF had a tiny disagreement and I completely lost it with him. We had a huge argument. I cried and cried and cried. I really needed to let it all out. Afterwards we had a really good talk and so in a way I was glad we'd argued!!

I told him that he'd had a pretty easy ride with me. I've only been getting PMT for the past two years and even then it's only for a day. I sailed through the first cycle of IVF with no problems whatsoever. I had no moodswings, nothing. I did all the injections and appointments myself, he didn't have to do or put up with anything. With the miscarriage, I just forced myself to get on with it. We never really talked about it or how we felt about it. I've done the FET again with no problems. And now I've failed, it's all becoming too much to keep inside. I can't do it by myself anymore. I need him.

I hope that you are not thinking that he is uncaring or unsupportive. It's not that at all. He has a lot of issues that stem back to his childhood, and so he deals with things in his own way, by himself, and he admitted that he expects others to do the same. He's not one for talking about his problems but he said that he is getting upset with everything too. It was a major breakthrough for him to talk about his feelings like that. He said that he will try to be there for me more, and there's been an improvement already.

If there is anything good to come out of this IVF process so far, it has been that it has brought us closer together. During the first cycle, he was a completely new person. He was so caring and lovely. I remember texting my friend telling her how amazing he was being. I always knew that that person was hiding inside his tough exterior, and I'm glad that I was proven right. It's also making me realise that he is hurting too from this. Because of the way he deals with things, it's easy to forget how he is feeling. I've definitely made an effort this week to watch out for him too.

I really hope that things improve soon, and together I think we can get there. It still has been less than two weeks since my BFN, I can't expect to feel better overnight. But then this is me, I'm not used to feeling so down all the time or letting things affect me. I'm still very scared of doing another cycle. But for now, I must try to be happy for other people. I WILL NOT BE BITTER ANYMORE!!!

My BIG FAT BFN

2010-03-10T12:53:00.000-08:00

First I'd like to say a big thank you to all of my Twitter friends who have sent me thoughtful messages over the last few days. We told barely anyone this time, so it was nice to know so many people were thinking of me.

The day started off just fine. I went for the bloodtest and then we set off to the beach. We had a lovely long walk on the sandy beach and then we went for some lunch. I started to get a little agitated as the nurse said she would ring around lunchtime. We then did something really funny. We drove to the other beach in the town and parked the car. DF said he was really tired and could just go to sleep. So I said, well we'll just have a little nap then. And so we did, just like all the old couples I've seen so many times at the beach :o) We then went for a walk on the shingles beach, where I eventually got my phone call.

The nurse rang and she sounded so cheery, I just had an instant smile on my face. DF was stood with me, but then our dog ran after another so he walked away to watch him. But her cheery voice then said she had some bad news. My beta score was 4. Not an absolute negative, but the levels were probably to do with my tablets and pessaries. She told me to stop taking them and then AF will come. After AF has finished I will have to go for another blood test to check that the HCG level has dropped below 2, which is a definite negative. She then said we could discuss the next steps, but she didn't go into detail at all, so I'm unsure how long I'll have to wait.

I finished on the phone as DF was just walking back to me. I just shook my head at him, and he said 'Stop messing around' with a huge grin on his face. Well, my face just crumpled and I burst into tears. We stood on the beach hugging with me crying and crying. Luckily there wasn't anyone about. I managed not to cry too much as I knew we would have to walk back to the car and past people. I knew I couldn't speak to anyone so I started to text my mum and sister, but somehow my phone turned into Chinese. There was nearly a smashed iPhone on the rocks.

We got back to the car and I just had tears streaming down my face the whole way home. I already had in the back of my mind that if it didn't work I would start going running. In my daze I asked DF if he would take me shopping at the weekend to buy some new trainers, I wanted to get those Nike ones that you hook up to your iPod to monitor your running. We were going past a shopping centre and so we decided to stop off. I have no idea why, I was in such a state. We had a quick wander round and they didn't have the trainers anyway. But he bought me a nice bright hoody to go running in while it's still quite cold.

When we got home, we stopped off at the supermarket, and again, I just wandered round in a complete other world. We got the things we needed and then finally went home. I went straight up to bed and just let it all pour out. I cried and cried and cried, so much so that my stomach hurt. I cried so hard, but it needed to come out. DF came up after a bit and we just lay on the bed for ages cuddled up. We went back downstairs eventually, but we both fell asleep on the sofa pretty quickly. We were just exhausted.

I didn't expect to feel like this. I thought I'd be OK if it was negative, but obviously not. It hit me a million times harder than what I thought it would. The only way I can describe how it was, is that it was like someone had died. I felt that depressed and upset. It was real grief. I don't remember feeling like this after my miscarriage. Of course I was upset, but I think I just forced myself to get on with it. This has all been completely new to me.

I don't know how I feel about trying again. I asked DF what we were going to do now, and he said 'We'll just have to try again'. I felt shocked for some reason. I just couldn't contemplate the thought of going through this again. I'm sure I'll come round eventually, but right now I'm just not so sure.

My problem is that I thought it had worked. After my first IVF there were things I knew I wanted to do differently this time, and I did. I did everything by the book and I thought I had a much better chance this time. I had symptoms, very real symptoms. Where these came from, I don't know. Maybe it was the tablets or the pessaries. In my What to Expect book, it lists the following symptoms for weeks 3 and 4 (the 2ww) -

Implantation bleeding - Less than 30% of women get this, so I wasn't too bothered that I didn't
Breast changes - mine definitely grew, they were much fuller and I was getting red marks from my bras
Bloating & flatulence - yes to both!
Fatigue, lack of energy, sleepiness - I was tired just from walking up the stairs! But also tired all the time
More frequent urination - can't really tell as I doubled my water intake
Beginnings of nausea - yes, a few times
Increased sensitivity to smells - definitely had this one!

So what else was I supposed to think, other than that I was pregnant?! Everyone was rooting for me, and also so sure that it was going to work. I texted my sister when I got the results, simply saying it hadn't worked. She told me last night that she thought it was a joke, and that I would ring back with the good news. And when i didn't, she cried too.

I wouldn't say I had the whole year planned out, but I'd thought about lots of things this year while I would be pregnant. We are going to a few weddings and I had thought that I would get a really beautiful maternity dress to wear. I had planned about how long I was going to stay at the hen nights because I would want to be going home early. I was looking forward to leaving work. I was thinking how lovely it would be to have the baby arrive before Christmas. And I would also be fulfilling my wish of having my first child before (or when) I was 28. None of those things are going to happen now how I had envisaged.

I'm just not sure I can go through the 2ww again. The actual FET process is fine, I can do it again no problem. But the emotions of the 2ww? I just don't know. I HAVE to do something different this time. I think a holiday is the only way round it, but I will have to think more carefully nearer the time. I got too stressed out and worried this time.

People have said to me, don't blame yourself for this. There's nothing else you could've done. I know they're right, but I have to feel like I'm doing everything I can. The only thing I can do next time is to be more fit and healthy. So my goal is now to get rid of this extra stone (14lb) that I've been carrying around and moaning about for the past year and do some proper exercise. I'm pretty unfit, so I'm going to go running with my doggy and eat perfectly and shift it once and for all. I can't do anything more. It might not even help the FET but at least I will have tried. This will be our last free FET cycle, so I have to have the best shot at it. If anything, at least I will feel better about myself if I shift the weight.

I'm so glad that we didn't really tell anyone. I couldn't have coped with having to tell everyone the bad news. It was bad enough with just the few we did have to tell. I will definitely be doing that again next time.

So all I can do is take things slowly, and hopefully soon I will feel ready to get on the rollercoaster again with 2 of my 9 remaining frosties xx

FET Day 39 - Going crazy

2010-03-04T13:24:00.000-08:00

Here I am at Day 39 of my FET, 10 days post embryo transfer. And I'm going slowly crazy...
I can't remember having any symptoms at this point last time, but I was still quite poorly from the OHSS. The only pregnancy symptoms I got last time came after the 2ww. This time has been completely different as I've been healthy, and so I have noticed every single little twinge.
A couple of months ago I bought The What to Expect Pregnancy Journal & Organizer and I've been dying to fill it in ever since! I started filling it in last week, albeit in pencil. Who would ever fill in Week 3 in pen, being completely confident they were pregnant? And why are there even week 1 and 2 pages?! So the symptoms/feelings I've written down are as follows:

Day 1 - Tired, excited
Day 2 - Bad stomach ache
Day 3 - Bad stomach ache, wind
Day 4 - Stomach slightly better, uptight, stressed
Day 5 - Very good sense of smell, very bloated, stressed, stress pains
Day 6 - Tired, tense stomach, bloated
Day 7 - Exhausted, nausea in the evening
Day 8 - Tired, strong sense of smell, slightly crampy, slight nausea
Day 9 - Stabby pains in the ovary, very down
Day 10 - Still a bit down, stressed, very bad nausea in the morning

I'd like to think from all of this that I am in fact pregnant. If I'm not, then I think my body has been playing a very cruel trick on me. So there, I've said it, I think I'm pregnant. But I don't understand why I can't feel excited. I don't think I dare to get my hopes up. Tomorrow is my last day at work before the big test day, so hopefully time will go a bit quicker, and an enjoyable weekend will hopefully take my mind off things. I can't think of anything else. My mind is completely overtaken by thoughts of the possible pregnancy. Every single minute, it's all I can think about. Work is not distracting me, college is not distracting me. It's sending me crazy.

I was thinking today, if I ever have to go through this again (which I probably will, as we'd like more than 1 child eventually), it might be an idea to go on holiday immediately after the transfer for the whole 2ww. Just to relax on the beach, and try to have a nice time. But then there's no point as you can't go in the pool or the sea. So then I thought about a spa break, but again, no swimming, no sauna, no jacuzzi. So a yoga retreat or something similar? Probably too much exercise. So I don't think there's actually anything you can do during the 2ww other than just sit at home and wait it out. Great.

So only 4 more sleeps until I can find out once and for all. We're taking doggy to the beach on Monday after the blood test and plan to have a nice day whilst waiting for the results. I don't know how I'm going to cope over the next few days! Thank you everyone for your kind and supportive tweets and for your prayers. You're all a lot more confident that it'll work than me!

FET Day 33 - The 2ww

2010-02-26T00:33:00.000-08:00

So here I am, only a couple of days into the dreaded 2 week wait. Generally speaking, it's gone ok so far. We came straight home after the transfer and I went straight to bed. It was my intention to go on 3 days bed rest, and literally stay in bed but it hasn't happened.
On the night of the transfer, DF refused to bring me hot food in bed so I had to come downstairs and lie on the sofa instead to eat. I stayed there for a couple of hours then went to bed.
I had done a big shop on Monday and written DF a list of all the foods I wanted during the day for him to bring me each morning. I also asked him to make me some porridge in a morning. Well on Wednesday, I got a chocolate pudding and a glass of smoothie for breakfast as he said he couldn't find the porridge??!! When he had gone to work, I found he hadn't brought me all of the items on the list, so I had to go downstairs to get some other bits. I also had a quick shower. Apart from that, I stayed in bed all day and night.
Yesterday my mum and sister came round to see me and said I had to come downstairs. So I stayed in bed all morning and then moved to the sofa at lunchtime. I stayed there for some of the afternoon but my doggy was driving me crazy (he likes to bark at other dogs walking past. Very loudly) so I moved back upstairs. I came back downstairs when DF came home for my meal and stayed there for the evening.
I think all in all, I've done ok. It's pretty hard to stay in bed ALL the time! My plan was to stay in bed for 72 hours after the transfer, which would make it this afternoon. But DF's mum and sister have asked to take me out to lunch. They will come and pick me up and bring me home, so it's nothing strenuous. I've had bad stomach ache since Wednesday night, which I think is more to do with my bowels than anything IVF related. DF said it's not helping by slobbing about, and that it might help if I move about a bit more. I think I'll go for the lunch.
I've been making sure I'm eating lots of fruit. I did buy a pineapple and to cut down on confusion, I asked DF to just juice the whole thing, then there's no stress about which bit to eat etc. But he broke the blender... I haven't actually eaten any of it yet as I bought myself a small box of prepared fruit to have each day, and this already has pineapple in it. So I've just stuck to that and if it works it works.
I've been taking a folic acid supplement everyday this year, along with vitamin C supplements. On the day of the transfer I switched to an all round pregnancy supplement. This already has the folic acid and vitamin C in it, so I've stopped taking the others now. I am to carry on with my HRT tablets and pessaries until further notice. It kind of feels a bit more reassuring that I'm still taking these, as last time I didn't think that the pessaries went on for long enough. It's all an extra helping hand for me.
All dog walking duties have been passed to DF for the time being. He is not very good at walking on the lead and often pulls. If another dog comes, you've had it. Last time I walked him quite often, and a few times he really pulled me which didn't feel right at all. So I'm not risking it at all this time.
My sister was advised before her pregnancy not to wear any tight or restrictive clothes from the minute go. So I've been wearing loose nighties and will only be wearing loose clothes for the considerable future. It's something to do with restricting the blood flow to the vital areas. Don't think I can go in jog pants to lunch today, so it will have to be a loose dress!
I haven't driven yet, I think I might have to tomorrow. I get pretty stressed out when driving sometimes, and I've noticed that I constantly drive with my stomach tensed, I have no idea why! So I'll have to try to relax a bit more.
I've got my first acupuncture appointment tomorrow since the transfer, so I'm looking forward to that. I'm going to gradually do a bit more over the weekend, but still take it easy. It's one of my best friend's birthdays tomorrow, but she hasn't decided what she wants to do yet. If it's a meal, then I'll go but then go home after; if it's just drinks, I might go for one while I drop DF off, then go home. I'll see how I feel.
I've had no twinges or anything to analyse so far so that's good. Just fed up with the stomach ache. I'm sure next week will be a different story hmm...

FET Day 30 - The Big Day

2010-02-23T09:08:00.000-08:00

Well, I did intend to blog a bit more than this throughout my FET cycle, but to be honest, I just haven't had anything to say!! Doing a FET cycle is just a million miles away from a full IVF cycle. No injections, no stressing about what time to do them, if you're doing them right, no bleeding or bruising, no scans every other day, no worry about how big your follies are, how many eggs you're going to get, if they're going to fertilise, the list just goes on. It's been completely stress free. All I've had to do is have 1 injection, pop 3 pills a day for 7 days, then 4 pills a day from then on, plus 2 pessaries a night. Easy peasy.

So today was finally the day of the transfer, after a bit of rude phone call from the hospital yesterday, I decided that nothing was going to get me down today. I got a good night's sleep and woke up about 8. I took it easy and just waited for my phonecall. It was the embryologist this time, and she was really really nice. She said they had thawed 3, but 1 didn't make it. She said the other 2 were lovely :o)

So after taking our time to get ready (no stresses!) we made our way over to Leeds. We had a little look around the shops and then got some lunch. We set off to the hospital with 40 minutes to spare. Until last year there were 2 reproductive medicine units at 2 separate hospitals in Leeds, but they have now merged and so this time we were at a different hospital. When we pulled up I was horrified. From the outside it looked like something from Victorian times. As we were driving around trying to find a parking space, there were loads of little buildings, all boarded up with graffitti on. I was like, Where on earth are we?? It just looked awful. We couldn't find anywhere to park, so, with only 15 minutes to go, I told DF to just dump the car. I'd rather pay the fine than get totally stressed out. When we got inside, we found a brand new facility, it was all really nice, and I felt much better.

After a short wait, we met with the embryologist, and discussed the transfer. One of the embryos had thawed slightly better than the other, but they were both still good. We had already decided to have 2 put back in, and luckily this time they didn't try to talk us out of it.

When we got to the theatre they said my bladder wasn't full enough. Great!! This happened last time! I was desperate for the loo, but they said I'd have to drink more. So out we went for me to drink another half a litre of water. Whilst we were waiting, there was a man in the waiting room with his son, THE most adorable and cute little boy. His wife came back in after her transfer and started to chat to us, she said 'It does work you know' and nodded to the boy. It was really nice.

I drank loads more, and had got to the jigging stage, so they took me back in to try again, and it was much better this time. The transfer seemed to take a lot longer than last time. Or maybe I was just so out of it last time with the OHSS. It was a bit more uncomfortable too.

But Tony and Tiger are home where they belong now, I'm so pleased everything has gone well :o)

FET Day 14 - You are what you eat

2010-02-07T09:42:00.000-08:00

Well here I am , 14 days into my first FET, and there's nothing new to report. After Googling (I know!!) the side effects of the down reg injection I had on day 1, I haven't actually had anything. No hot flushes, no mood swings. Nothing.
My only problem at the moment is what to eat. I started off with my own ideas about what I would eat / drink this time around, but I've also been bombarded with suggestions from all kinds of other sources and I'm just been getting confused.

My own ideas

When I did my first round of IVF I got OHSS. To combat this I had to eat a high protein diet. Because I had so much fluid leaking around my organs, it must have been a strain on my stomach and it really affected my appetite. I just wasn't hungry and the smallest amount of food made me full. DF would tell me off that I wasn't eating enough but I just couldn't. So when I did eat, it was just protein rich foods. Now I'm not saying that this caused my miscarriage but I don't think I ate any fruit or vegetables for those first couple of weeks and I certainly don't think it helped.
So this time around, I have decided that I MUST eat healthily. I have been drinking more water at work, and drinking smoothies with my lunch and at night to up my fruit intake. I have been taking folic acid supplements since the beginning of the year. I have forced myself to eat lunch everyday to help my blood sugar. I have dramatically cut my chocolate intake to once a week and I've cut down on takeaways.

My sister, the soon to be Naturopath

My little (pregnant) sister is studying for a degree in Naturopathic medicine. Of course, she has taken a great interest in both of our fertility issues and constantly texts me / sends me notes on what I should be doing. So, since the beginning of the year I have also been taking a Vitamin C supplement daily. I'm not sure why she said to take it but it sure helped shift my sinusitis quickly last month! I have cut out all carbonated drinks. I am only drinking Evian water. This is because of the high levels of minerals it has compared to other bottled waters. I didn't believe her at first but I looked in the supermarket, and she's right. It has a really high amount of calcium in it. This also helps with her recommendation of more dairy in my diet. I've been having a piece of cheese with dinner. I've cut out all caffeine. I've been having some organic liquorice as a treat as it is an antioxidant, as she says I need to flush out my infertile toxins or something like that!! I have also been buying the Innocent antioxidant smoothies to help with this too. She also said I need apples and tomatoes. I have an apple everyday anyway, and I've added some cherry tomatoes to my lunch.

Acupuncturist

The only tip I've had off him so far is to stop eating so much spicy food, as I have too much fire inside of me!!?? I do eat a fair bit of spicy food but not everyday. I will try and cut down.

Twitter ladies

I've picked up on various tips from my twitter friends. @born2bamummy mentioned about eating warm foods. I think that's a good idea as some days I don't have anything hot at all, or most days it's just my evening meal. I bought some porridge today to have for breakfast, this will also help with my dairy intake as it says to make it with milk. @afterthealter mentioned about cinnamon. After Googling, I decided it would be a good thing to try, as it will help with my PCOS. Although PCOS is not the first thing on my mind at the moment as I'm not TTC naturally, but I am at a higher risk of miscarriage with it, and I DO NOT want to go through that again. So anything that might help is good with me. I tried to get some supplements yesterday but they were pretty expensive. I'll just have to sprinkle it on my foods, but I don't know what on. Maybe my porridge. @rosierattle also gave me some good tips on foods to eat and supplements to take.

It just all got a bit much for me yesterday. I couldn't see what I was supposed to be eating, and when. And just how was I supposed to fit it all in in one day?! I'm going to stick to what I'm already doing, I don't think I can do anymore. The changes I've already made are so significant, compared to what my diet was like before, so I'm hoping that this will be enough.

FET Day 5

2010-01-29T10:32:00.000-08:00

Today is Day 5 of my first FET cycle. I haven't had any side effects from the down reg injection so far, I don't know if any side effects are common? AF is lasting longer than normal, but I'm not too concerned for 2 reasons.

1) My first attempt at IVF last summer was abandoned due to my womb lining not being thick enough. At the moment, my greatest fear with the FET is that this will happen again. So I think the longer AF goes on, the better my chances of a nice thin womb lining.

2) At the last scan I had after the miscarriage, the nurse showed me the ultrasound picture and pointed out where my baby had been. You could actually see a kind of shadow where the sac was. There was obviously still some kind of tissue that needed to come away, but not enough for a D&C. I haven't had AF since that day until now, so I suppose in a way, I am kind of cleansing myself ready for a fresh start with the FET.

I went for my first session of acupuncture today for this cycle. I decided in my last ivf cycle that I would go for acupuncture. I looked on the British Acupuncture Council website and found a couple in my town. I chose one, but it was not a great experience. I didn't feel comfortable with the man at all, in fact he was a little odd to say the least. He was asking me questions such as what is my favourite season (???) The room was very clinical, bright and white, he didn't dim the lights and there was no relaxing music. When he put the needles in, he manipulated them, and it REALLY hurt. He kept asking if the area had gone numb, all I could say was that it was hurting. When I left, my foot was really hurting and it was still sore the next day. I didn't feel relaxed at all, just really uncomfortable. He gave me tablets to take, which he shouldn't have really when I was on IVF medication. I made another appointment but decided afterwards that I would cancel. I rang to cancel it, he then rang and even texted a couple of times to make new appointments. I didn't have time to find a new acupuncturist before the egg collection, which was a shame.

In the meantime, my mum had been going to another acupuncturist, a little Chinese man, and was really pleased with him. So, this time, I've gone to him. I think I felt better knowing that my mum had been to so many appointments with him. It was a completely different experience altogether, I felt so at ease with him. It was so interesting to see him scribbling down in Chinese everything I was saying to him! The room was much more relaxing, with nice lighting and music playing. He put needles in my head, ears, arms, hands, stomach, legs and feet. This time it didn't hurt at all, the only one that was a little uncomfortable was my head, but it was fine after a while. He also had a little lamp that gave off heat and this was placed over my stomach and then my feet. I found it hard to relax at first, but I fell asleep in the end up!! He then took the needles out and massaged my face and head, then my shoulders and back.

I was so impressed I've booked and paid for 10 sessions!! I'm feeling much better about this FET cycle all the time, I just can't wait to get started properly!!

1st day of my 1st FET

2010-01-25T12:32:00.000-08:00

10 days ago I had my first appointment to get started on our first ever FET cycle. I was given Provera to take for 5 days to make me bleed. I thought that the nurse had said I would have to have an injection on CD2. Once I'd finished the tablets, I got out my FET information leaflet just to have a read through about what would be happening next. It said I would need the injection on CD21. When I looked this up on the calendar, AF was due very near to our Valentine's Paris trip, and so I went into panic mode...
Last time I took Provera before my IVF cycle, it took well over a week for AF to come, but you can never be too sure with these things. I worked out that as long as AF stayed away until today, everything would work out fine.
Until AF showed up yesterday. Day 21 would be the day we came back from Paris, and the flight isn't til 9pm. I was just so upset and down, thinking that everything was ruined. I checked online to see if we could change the flights, but it was going to cost a fair bit. DF as usual, was very calm and just told me to wait until my appointment today, there was no point stressing.
I had my appointment with wandy and everything looked ok. I told the nurse about my worries with the timings and luckily she put my mind at rest.
An injection is given on CD21 in a natural cycle. Seen as I've had an artificial cycle with the Provera, and I don't usually ovulate myself, the injection is given on CD2 (I was right after all!). So the injection was given today, and it lasts for 5 weeks, but I will be starting tablets in 2 weeks, which is a few days before we go to Paris. I take one dose for a week, then a higher dose for 3 days. My next appointment is the day after we get back from Paris, so it's all worked out really nicely. I will then need pessaries for at least 3 days before the transfer. All in all, we're looking at the embryo transfer in the last week of February.
This is a lot quicker than what I had originally thought. From reading the leaflet, I was thinking it would be more like the 2nd half of March. With me starting from CD2, it's obviously brought everything forward. No complaints here though!!
I'm really glad it's all going ahead now, and that we can still go to Paris, and hopefully enjoy our last child-free holiday! I feel like a huge weight has been lifted from my shoulders, and now I can relax and stay positive for our FET!

Our fertility issues

2010-01-15T08:27:00.000-08:00

For those who don't already know, here is a blog about our TTC journey so far.

I always knew in the back of my mind that I would have trouble conceiving. My reasons were as follows:

1) My AF started when I was 12. My mum gave me a little calendar on which to mark each month when it came so that I tell when I was due. I never could tell. They were so irregular. I read somewhere that if they had not become regular after 4 years, you should go see a doctor. Well 4 years later they were still all over the place, but as a shy 16 year old, I couldn't even tell my mum what was happening, let alone a doctor. By the time I met DF at 17, AF was on her way out. I met him in June - by then that year I'd only had two AFs and the last one was pretty non-existent.

2) I went on the pill 3 months after meeting DF. I was extremely bad at remembering to take it. I mean really bad. But after 6 years of being on it, I had never had the 'accident' of falling pregnant, like a lot of people seem to do.

3) My mum had fertility problems, that were unidentifed in the 70s, and it took her four years and lots of fertililty drugs to have me

So, in August 2005, I decided to come off the pill, not to TTC, I can't even remember why now, but I think it just didn't agree with me anymore. By November, AF hadn't showed, and after doing a test, I got my first BFN. Over that Christmas, DF asked me to start trying for a baby! I knew I had to wait around 6 months after coming off the pill before going to the doctors. So in February 2006, after only 1, AF I went.

I was given some blood tests to check for polycystic ovarian syndrome (PCOS), which came back positive. I then went for my first appointment with wandy to confirm. I remember feeling really sad that my first ever ultrasound wasn't to look for a baby.

After a 5 month wait for an appointment at the hospital, I was given 3 months worth of Clomid. The first three months passed with no result, and so I was given another 3 months supply. After the 4th month, things got a bit out of hand. Almost out of nowhere, I decided that I no longer loved DF. I hated him, I couldn't stand being around him and I dreaded coming home from work and having to spend time with him. Looking back I'm really ashamed of how I behaved. I then decided that there was no way I could stay on Clomid, as I didn't want to be a single mother at 24. I went back to my doctor and told her, in tears, how I felt. She told me that life wasn't like Pretty Woman! I had to think about it for another week and then let her know my decision. After another week I felt the same, and so I went back on the pill. I probably would have left DF at this point, but we had a holiday to Mexico booked for the following month with our best friends. I decided that I would still go, and that it would be a make or break holiday. We got on ok, and as the weeks passed, I slowly got back to normal. After Christmas, I felt completely fine, and just couldn't understand what had happened to me. Looking in the Clomid leaflet to see the side effects, it stated depression, mood swings and personality disorders. OK, thanks Clomid!! It explained a lot. All in all, it probably set back our TTC journey by about a year.

In March 2007, DF asked if we could start TTC again, to which I agreed. I went straight back to the doctors, who referred me back to the hospital. I was given another 3 months of Clomid. This time, I told DF exactly how I had felt previously, which was pretty hard on him. I also told close friends and family to watch out for me, and luckily I didn't have any of the same problems. DF was also referred for tests. In September 07 I underwent a laparoscopy and ovarian drilling. The drilling didn't make any difference to my cycles. The laparoscopy revealed one blocked tube.

I was then put on 1600mg of Metformin a day. I hated it!! I felt so sick all the time, the sight or even thought of most foods turned my stomach! My weight dropped to 7st 10 because I basically wasn't eating. At my next appointment I told the consultant that I didn't believe this was healthy if I was trying for a baby. He agreed and cut my dose in half. The only side effect I got from Clomid this time around was horrendous hot flushes!! There's a really flattering (ahem) picture of me at my sister's wedding. I was having a flush outside and I was sat on some stairs feeling awful, my mum is trying to loosen my bridesmaid dress for me, and the photographer decided to take a picture of me! Thanks!

I carried on with Clomid and Metformin until December 2008. By this time, DF had several semen analysis tests done and it revealed that he had a low sperm count. We were never going to get pregnant on our own, with or without Clomid. At this point we were referred for IVF. As the consultant said, 'You only need one sperm for IVF to work!'

Most of you know my journey from there as I joined Twitter just before we started the IVF treatment in June 2009.

Me and DF

2010-01-11T13:01:00.001-08:00

My first blog should really be a little about myself and DF.

We met when I was 17 and he was 21. I had a weekend job in a shop where his best friend worked. One night, we had a night out with a few people from work, and along came DF. I was initially scared of him! I was very shy, especially around boys. There he was, this weight lifting, muscly older MAN, who had a job and a car, he was way too cool for me! But we got chatting and he asked me out on a date the next day, and the rest is history! PS he's not muscly now haha!

DF bought his first house in 2003 and I moved in a year later. We've now been living together for 5 years. We bought our first house together in 2005 and we have been here ever since.

We got our first fur baby, a female kitten, Sam in 2003, and our second, a male rescue kitten, Bart (now mostly renamed Dude) a month later. Our third, a male puppy, Archer came along in 2007. We were already TTC by this point, but lived a very selfish life, doing what we wanted, when we wanted. We decided that the extra responsibility of a dog might ease us into it, and then a child wouldn't be too much of a shock. He's certainly a handful, I think I could handle any toddler over him!

We finally got engaged in 2008, after 8 years together. It was down to me to propose though! I first wanted to get engaged when I was 18. Two of my best friends got engaged and I was so jealous! But their relationships failed and mine didn't so I suppose that says something. As the years went by, and one by one my friends got engaged and married, it was becoming a bit of a sore point. As you ladies well know, the most dreaded question is 'When are you going to have children?', well I was getting pretty fed up of 'When are you getting engaged?' or 'When are you getting married?'. I went through a stage of mentioning it to him all the time, and then another stage of not mentioning it all, but nothing worked.

After 8 months together, a leap year occured, but we hadn't been together long enough for me to think about engagement. Three years later, a few people asked me why I didn't ask him, but I was so adamant that I wanted the whole fairytale proposal that I wouldn't have even considered it. But by 3 years later, I'd had enough! The proposal was nice and simple so as not to raise suspicion. I booked a table at our favourite restaurant and off we went. I had already bought him an Armani watch, and some specially printed Love Heart sweets that said 'Marry Me' on them. I placed one of them in the watch box, and after the meal, I presented the box to him. I didn't want to get down on one knee, it would be too cringey!! He said yes straight away! I initially wore my great grandmother's engagement ring, but it was very fragile and I lost a diamond out of it. I had to have the band strengthened and the diamond replaced, and so I bought a cheap temporary ring. I finally got the ring of my dreams last year :o)

To say he had never been interested in marriage, I suggested getting married in 18 months time, and he agreed! He was actually really getting into it which was a big surprise! The wedding was booked for December 2009. We then got referred for IVF and so we postponed the wedding for another year. It is currently booked for December 2010, but seen as our IVF plans have not run smoothly so far, we may postpone it again.

Since I got engaged, I've been really content, and I don't feel the need to get married straight away. I'm happy to have the commitment of engagement for now. The wedding will surely happen one day, but we can't do IVF and get married at the same time, so for now it's babies :o)