Decisions

Last Friday I went to the hospital to have another beta test done to check that the levels had gone back below 2, which is a negative. As I was driving up to the hospital, it came into view and I just felt a jolt in my stomach. I didn't want to go. I sat on the bed waiting for the nurse to take my blood and all I could think of was that I really didn't want to be there.

It was a really brief appointment. She said we can try again as soon as I've had another AF. If AF doesn't come (this happened last time), I just have to wait until I have missed one and then we can start. I'm due this week coming, so anytime after next week is OK. But I'm not ready for that yet.

I have still felt really down for most of the week. I have been getting really fed up with it all. I don't ever let things get to me too much, so it's all really strange. When I'd read on Twitter about ladies getting BFNs and then being really down about it, I just didn't understand, and I didn't know why they let it affect them so much. Now I completely understand and I'm sorry for ever thinking that way about other people.

The last couple of days, I feel to have turned a tiny corner. I have decided to take some advice from my best Twitter bud @vhl_pgd_girl and think 'Positive Positive Positive' everytime a negative thought enters my head. I even survived a trip to Babies R Us yesterday!

Last night we went out for a meal and we discussed when to try again. I can't start straight away. I mean I'm not ready anyway, but my supervisor has just started IVF and we can't both be having time off for appointments and then the ET together. It's hard enough trying to hide it from our colleagues as it is. I have decided to work it around my exams. I have my final two exams in the 3rd week of June and so we are going to schedule it so that the ET would be the week after. We could obviously do it earlier than this, but if I get a BFN again before my exams, I just can't go into a depression again and let it affect them. Not after all this hard work. So I am going to speak to the hospital and start the process in the middle of May, as it took 6 weeks last time. This sounds like a long way off, but I'm sure the time will fly by. My sister is due in the middle of June, so it also works out that I will be able to spend lots of time with my new niece after the ET.

DF then brought up the subject of our wedding! Very odd... He said he feels like he just wants us to go away and do it, but that our families would be too upset. He said that he wants to get married abroad, as he just can't justify the expense of a wedding here. I agree with him in some ways, but my intention is to do it cheaply anyway. My sister had a wonderful wedding and only spent £6000. I could do it the same, and because we are getting married in winter, we can make huge savings on things like cars and photographers.

He didn't seem to be buying this anyway. My argument on getting married abroad is that not everyone will be able to or afford to come. And you still need a big party when you get back. Plus I would really like to get married in church. He agreed to my suggestion of a blessing in church when we got back, but it's still another expense.

I'm hoping he goes off the idea anyway. My dream wedding is a winter wonderland. I have it all sorted in my head, from the colour scheme, to the outfits, to the food and music played. To get married abroad is sacrificing everything I ever wanted from my wedding.

He said that he wants to do one more FET this year, and if it doesn't work, then we will concentrate on our wedding and finally getting married. I need to cancel our wedding that is already booked for this December. We can't keep the church and reception on hold until another FET, it's not fair if they can get another booking.

So, we can finally start looking to the future, and another FET. I think another month or so will be about right for me to get my excitement back :o)

Infected by the Bitter Bug

I've never been jealous of other people's pregnancies. Even with TTC for this long, it's never been an issue. Whenever I hear an announcement, I feel genuine happiness for the couple. Not anymore. I'm becoming one of those bitter women. And it's happened to DF too...

If ever I've felt sad, or had a tiny moan about someone getting pregnant really quickly, DF has always said that it will be our turn soon and that everything happens for a reason. But then I got a text from him tonight at college. Here is the conversation:

DF: We need to get a card for H & M. She's pregnant!

Me: You don't buy a card when someone is pregnant

DF: What do you buy then?

Me: You don't buy anything it's bad luck. If she has a baby shower then you can then. How far gone is she?

DF: She found out and told family on Saturday. I'm supposed to keep it quiet too.

Me: So only a few weeks then?

DF: Possibly. Wasn't really that pleased for them. Probably a bit harsh. Asked if they'd been trying. Not really was the answer!

Me: Thank goodness cos I feel the same. Never been bitter at other people's pregnancies but nearly cried when you texted me. It's just not fair :o(

I can't believe he felt like that. It's never bothered him before. When we spoke after college, he said he felt bad for thinking like that and he didn't really congratulate them, so he feels awful now. And they're really happy so what can we do?

Things are starting to affect me now. I'm getting sucked into the IVF emotional rollercoaster. I had a tough weekend. On Saturday I read a Facebook status of a pregnant friend moaning that she couldn't drink and was counting down the weeks til she could. It really upset me as I was going out with my friend that night, drinking for the first time in months. I didn't want to. I'd have given anything to be having a reason not to drink. I really really wanted to comment on her status, either to say 'I'll trade places with you' or 'You don't know how lucky you are'. But I know I couldn't as I work with her boyfriend and I didn't want to be gossiped about at work.

I got home from my friend's house on Sunday morning and DF was still in bed so we lazed around all morning. I was on Facebook and everyone was leaving Mother's Day messages, all about how much they love their kids etc. I mean it's lovely but it really got to me and I cried.

We went out for the rest of the day and then me and DF had a tiny disagreement and I completely lost it with him. We had a huge argument. I cried and cried and cried. I really needed to let it all out. Afterwards we had a really good talk and so in a way I was glad we'd argued!!

I told him that he'd had a pretty easy ride with me. I've only been getting PMT for the past two years and even then it's only for a day. I sailed through the first cycle of IVF with no problems whatsoever. I had no moodswings, nothing. I did all the injections and appointments myself, he didn't have to do or put up with anything. With the miscarriage, I just forced myself to get on with it. We never really talked about it or how we felt about it. I've done the FET again with no problems. And now I've failed, it's all becoming too much to keep inside. I can't do it by myself anymore. I need him.

I hope that you are not thinking that he is uncaring or unsupportive. It's not that at all. He has a lot of issues that stem back to his childhood, and so he deals with things in his own way, by himself, and he admitted that he expects others to do the same. He's not one for talking about his problems but he said that he is getting upset with everything too. It was a major breakthrough for him to talk about his feelings like that. He said that he will try to be there for me more, and there's been an improvement already.

If there is anything good to come out of this IVF process so far, it has been that it has brought us closer together. During the first cycle, he was a completely new person. He was so caring and lovely. I remember texting my friend telling her how amazing he was being. I always knew that that person was hiding inside his tough exterior, and I'm glad that I was proven right. It's also making me realise that he is hurting too from this. Because of the way he deals with things, it's easy to forget how he is feeling. I've definitely made an effort this week to watch out for him too.

I really hope that things improve soon, and together I think we can get there. It still has been less than two weeks since my BFN, I can't expect to feel better overnight. But then this is me, I'm not used to feeling so down all the time or letting things affect me. I'm still very scared of doing another cycle. But for now, I must try to be happy for other people. I WILL NOT BE BITTER ANYMORE!!!

My BIG FAT BFN

First I'd like to say a big thank you to all of my Twitter friends who have sent me thoughtful messages over the last few days. We told barely anyone this time, so it was nice to know so many people were thinking of me.

The day started off just fine. I went for the bloodtest and then we set off to the beach. We had a lovely long walk on the sandy beach and then we went for some lunch. I started to get a little agitated as the nurse said she would ring around lunchtime. We then did something really funny. We drove to the other beach in the town and parked the car. DF said he was really tired and could just go to sleep. So I said, well we'll just have a little nap then. And so we did, just like all the old couples I've seen so many times at the beach :o) We then went for a walk on the shingles beach, where I eventually got my phone call.

The nurse rang and she sounded so cheery, I just had an instant smile on my face. DF was stood with me, but then our dog ran after another so he walked away to watch him. But her cheery voice then said she had some bad news. My beta score was 4. Not an absolute negative, but the levels were probably to do with my tablets and pessaries. She told me to stop taking them and then AF will come. After AF has finished I will have to go for another blood test to check that the HCG level has dropped below 2, which is a definite negative. She then said we could discuss the next steps, but she didn't go into detail at all, so I'm unsure how long I'll have to wait.

I finished on the phone as DF was just walking back to me. I just shook my head at him, and he said 'Stop messing around' with a huge grin on his face. Well, my face just crumpled and I burst into tears. We stood on the beach hugging with me crying and crying. Luckily there wasn't anyone about. I managed not to cry too much as I knew we would have to walk back to the car and past people. I knew I couldn't speak to anyone so I started to text my mum and sister, but somehow my phone turned into Chinese. There was nearly a smashed iPhone on the rocks.

We got back to the car and I just had tears streaming down my face the whole way home. I already had in the back of my mind that if it didn't work I would start going running. In my daze I asked DF if he would take me shopping at the weekend to buy some new trainers, I wanted to get those Nike ones that you hook up to your iPod to monitor your running. We were going past a shopping centre and so we decided to stop off. I have no idea why, I was in such a state. We had a quick wander round and they didn't have the trainers anyway. But he bought me a nice bright hoody to go running in while it's still quite cold.

When we got home, we stopped off at the supermarket, and again, I just wandered round in a complete other world. We got the things we needed and then finally went home. I went straight up to bed and just let it all pour out. I cried and cried and cried, so much so that my stomach hurt. I cried so hard, but it needed to come out. DF came up after a bit and we just lay on the bed for ages cuddled up. We went back downstairs eventually, but we both fell asleep on the sofa pretty quickly. We were just exhausted.

I didn't expect to feel like this. I thought I'd be OK if it was negative, but obviously not. It hit me a million times harder than what I thought it would. The only way I can describe how it was, is that it was like someone had died. I felt that depressed and upset. It was real grief. I don't remember feeling like this after my miscarriage. Of course I was upset, but I think I just forced myself to get on with it. This has all been completely new to me.

I don't know how I feel about trying again. I asked DF what we were going to do now, and he said 'We'll just have to try again'. I felt shocked for some reason. I just couldn't contemplate the thought of going through this again. I'm sure I'll come round eventually, but right now I'm just not so sure.

My problem is that I thought it had worked. After my first IVF there were things I knew I wanted to do differently this time, and I did. I did everything by the book and I thought I had a much better chance this time. I had symptoms, very real symptoms. Where these came from, I don't know. Maybe it was the tablets or the pessaries. In my What to Expect book, it lists the following symptoms for weeks 3 and 4 (the 2ww) -

• Implantation bleeding - Less than 30% of women get this, so I wasn't too bothered that I didn't
• Breast changes - mine definitely grew, they were much fuller and I was getting red marks from my bras
• Bloating & flatulence - yes to both!
• Fatigue, lack of energy, sleepiness - I was tired just from walking up the stairs! But also tired all the time
• More frequent urination - can't really tell as I doubled my water intake
• Beginnings of nausea - yes, a few times
• Increased sensitivity to smells - definitely had this one!

So what else was I supposed to think, other than that I was pregnant?! Everyone was rooting for me, and also so sure that it was going to work. I texted my sister when I got the results, simply saying it hadn't worked. She told me last night that she thought it was a joke, and that I would ring back with the good news. And when i didn't, she cried too.

I wouldn't say I had the whole year planned out, but I'd thought about lots of things this year while I would be pregnant. We are going to a few weddings and I had thought that I would get a really beautiful maternity dress to wear. I had planned about how long I was going to stay at the hen nights because I would want to be going home early. I was looking forward to leaving work. I was thinking how lovely it would be to have the baby arrive before Christmas. And I would also be fulfilling my wish of having my first child before (or when) I was 28. None of those things are going to happen now how I had envisaged.

I'm just not sure I can go through the 2ww again. The actual FET process is fine, I can do it again no problem. But the emotions of the 2ww? I just don't know. I HAVE to do something different this time. I think a holiday is the only way round it, but I will have to think more carefully nearer the time. I got too stressed out and worried this time.

People have said to me, don't blame yourself for this. There's nothing else you could've done. I know they're right, but I have to feel like I'm doing everything I can. The only thing I can do next time is to be more fit and healthy. So my goal is now to get rid of this extra stone (14lb) that I've been carrying around and moaning about for the past year and do some proper exercise. I'm pretty unfit, so I'm going to go running with my doggy and eat perfectly and shift it once and for all. I can't do anything more. It might not even help the FET but at least I will have tried. This will be our last free FET cycle, so I have to have the best shot at it. If anything, at least I will feel better about myself if I shift the weight.

I'm so glad that we didn't really tell anyone. I couldn't have coped with having to tell everyone the bad news. It was bad enough with just the few we did have to tell. I will definitely be doing that again next time.

So all I can do is take things slowly, and hopefully soon I will feel ready to get on the rollercoaster again with 2 of my 9 remaining frosties xx

FET Day 39 - Going crazy

Here I am at Day 39 of my FET, 10 days post embryo transfer. And I'm going slowly crazy...
I can't remember having any symptoms at this point last time, but I was still quite poorly from the OHSS. The only pregnancy symptoms I got last time came after the 2ww. This time has been completely different as I've been healthy, and so I have noticed every single little twinge.
A couple of months ago I bought The What to Expect Pregnancy Journal & Organizer and I've been dying to fill it in ever since! I started filling it in last week, albeit in pencil. Who would ever fill in Week 3 in pen, being completely confident they were pregnant? And why are there even week 1 and 2 pages?! So the symptoms/feelings I've written down are as follows:

Day 1 - Tired, excited
Day 2 - Bad stomach ache
Day 3 - Bad stomach ache, wind
Day 4 - Stomach slightly better, uptight, stressed
Day 5 - Very good sense of smell, very bloated, stressed, stress pains
Day 6 - Tired, tense stomach, bloated
Day 7 - Exhausted, nausea in the evening
Day 8 - Tired, strong sense of smell, slightly crampy, slight nausea
Day 9 - Stabby pains in the ovary, very down
Day 10 - Still a bit down, stressed, very bad nausea in the morning

I'd like to think from all of this that I am in fact pregnant. If I'm not, then I think my body has been playing a very cruel trick on me. So there, I've said it, I think I'm pregnant. But I don't understand why I can't feel excited. I don't think I dare to get my hopes up. Tomorrow is my last day at work before the big test day, so hopefully time will go a bit quicker, and an enjoyable weekend will hopefully take my mind off things. I can't think of anything else. My mind is completely overtaken by thoughts of the possible pregnancy. Every single minute, it's all I can think about. Work is not distracting me, college is not distracting me. It's sending me crazy.

I was thinking today, if I ever have to go through this again (which I probably will, as we'd like more than 1 child eventually), it might be an idea to go on holiday immediately after the transfer for the whole 2ww. Just to relax on the beach, and try to have a nice time. But then there's no point as you can't go in the pool or the sea. So then I thought about a spa break, but again, no swimming, no sauna, no jacuzzi. So a yoga retreat or something similar? Probably too much exercise. So I don't think there's actually anything you can do during the 2ww other than just sit at home and wait it out. Great.

So only 4 more sleeps until I can find out once and for all. We're taking doggy to the beach on Monday after the blood test and plan to have a nice day whilst waiting for the results. I don't know how I'm going to cope over the next few days! Thank you everyone for your kind and supportive tweets and for your prayers. You're all a lot more confident that it'll work than me!

FET Day 33 - The 2ww

So here I am, only a couple of days into the dreaded 2 week wait. Generally speaking, it's gone ok so far. We came straight home after the transfer and I went straight to bed. It was my intention to go on 3 days bed rest, and literally stay in bed but it hasn't happened.
On the night of the transfer, DF refused to bring me hot food in bed so I had to come downstairs and lie on the sofa instead to eat. I stayed there for a couple of hours then went to bed.
I had done a big shop on Monday and written DF a list of all the foods I wanted during the day for him to bring me each morning. I also asked him to make me some porridge in a morning. Well on Wednesday, I got a chocolate pudding and a glass of smoothie for breakfast as he said he couldn't find the porridge??!! When he had gone to work, I found he hadn't brought me all of the items on the list, so I had to go downstairs to get some other bits. I also had a quick shower. Apart from that, I stayed in bed all day and night.
Yesterday my mum and sister came round to see me and said I had to come downstairs. So I stayed in bed all morning and then moved to the sofa at lunchtime. I stayed there for some of the afternoon but my doggy was driving me crazy (he likes to bark at other dogs walking past. Very loudly) so I moved back upstairs. I came back downstairs when DF came home for my meal and stayed there for the evening.
I think all in all, I've done ok. It's pretty hard to stay in bed ALL the time! My plan was to stay in bed for 72 hours after the transfer, which would make it this afternoon. But DF's mum and sister have asked to take me out to lunch. They will come and pick me up and bring me home, so it's nothing strenuous. I've had bad stomach ache since Wednesday night, which I think is more to do with my bowels than anything IVF related. DF said it's not helping by slobbing about, and that it might help if I move about a bit more. I think I'll go for the lunch.
I've been making sure I'm eating lots of fruit. I did buy a pineapple and to cut down on confusion, I asked DF to just juice the whole thing, then there's no stress about which bit to eat etc. But he broke the blender... I haven't actually eaten any of it yet as I bought myself a small box of prepared fruit to have each day, and this already has pineapple in it. So I've just stuck to that and if it works it works.
I've been taking a folic acid supplement everyday this year, along with vitamin C supplements. On the day of the transfer I switched to an all round pregnancy supplement. This already has the folic acid and vitamin C in it, so I've stopped taking the others now. I am to carry on with my HRT tablets and pessaries until further notice. It kind of feels a bit more reassuring that I'm still taking these, as last time I didn't think that the pessaries went on for long enough. It's all an extra helping hand for me.
All dog walking duties have been passed to DF for the time being. He is not very good at walking on the lead and often pulls. If another dog comes, you've had it. Last time I walked him quite often, and a few times he really pulled me which didn't feel right at all. So I'm not risking it at all this time.
My sister was advised before her pregnancy not to wear any tight or restrictive clothes from the minute go. So I've been wearing loose nighties and will only be wearing loose clothes for the considerable future. It's something to do with restricting the blood flow to the vital areas. Don't think I can go in jog pants to lunch today, so it will have to be a loose dress!
I haven't driven yet, I think I might have to tomorrow. I get pretty stressed out when driving sometimes, and I've noticed that I constantly drive with my stomach tensed, I have no idea why! So I'll have to try to relax a bit more.
I've got my first acupuncture appointment tomorrow since the transfer, so I'm looking forward to that. I'm going to gradually do a bit more over the weekend, but still take it easy. It's one of my best friend's birthdays tomorrow, but she hasn't decided what she wants to do yet. If it's a meal, then I'll go but then go home after; if it's just drinks, I might go for one while I drop DF off, then go home. I'll see how I feel.
I've had no twinges or anything to analyse so far so that's good. Just fed up with the stomach ache. I'm sure next week will be a different story hmm...

FET Day 30 - The Big Day

Well, I did intend to blog a bit more than this throughout my FET cycle, but to be honest, I just haven't had anything to say!! Doing a FET cycle is just a million miles away from a full IVF cycle. No injections, no stressing about what time to do them, if you're doing them right, no bleeding or bruising, no scans every other day, no worry about how big your follies are, how many eggs you're going to get, if they're going to fertilise, the list just goes on. It's been completely stress free. All I've had to do is have 1 injection, pop 3 pills a day for 7 days, then 4 pills a day from then on, plus 2 pessaries a night. Easy peasy.

So today was finally the day of the transfer, after a bit of rude phone call from the hospital yesterday, I decided that nothing was going to get me down today. I got a good night's sleep and woke up about 8. I took it easy and just waited for my phonecall. It was the embryologist this time, and she was really really nice. She said they had thawed 3, but 1 didn't make it. She said the other 2 were lovely :o)

So after taking our time to get ready (no stresses!) we made our way over to Leeds. We had a little look around the shops and then got some lunch. We set off to the hospital with 40 minutes to spare. Until last year there were 2 reproductive medicine units at 2 separate hospitals in Leeds, but they have now merged and so this time we were at a different hospital. When we pulled up I was horrified. From the outside it looked like something from Victorian times. As we were driving around trying to find a parking space, there were loads of little buildings, all boarded up with graffitti on. I was like, Where on earth are we?? It just looked awful. We couldn't find anywhere to park, so, with only 15 minutes to go, I told DF to just dump the car. I'd rather pay the fine than get totally stressed out. When we got inside, we found a brand new facility, it was all really nice, and I felt much better.

After a short wait, we met with the embryologist, and discussed the transfer. One of the embryos had thawed slightly better than the other, but they were both still good. We had already decided to have 2 put back in, and luckily this time they didn't try to talk us out of it.

When we got to the theatre they said my bladder wasn't full enough. Great!! This happened last time! I was desperate for the loo, but they said I'd have to drink more. So out we went for me to drink another half a litre of water. Whilst we were waiting, there was a man in the waiting room with his son, THE most adorable and cute little boy. His wife came back in after her transfer and started to chat to us, she said 'It does work you know' and nodded to the boy. It was really nice.

I drank loads more, and had got to the jigging stage, so they took me back in to try again, and it was much better this time. The transfer seemed to take a lot longer than last time. Or maybe I was just so out of it last time with the OHSS. It was a bit more uncomfortable too.

But Tony and Tiger are home where they belong now, I'm so pleased everything has gone well :o)

FET Day 14 - You are what you eat

Well here I am , 14 days into my first FET, and there's nothing new to report. After Googling (I know!!) the side effects of the down reg injection I had on day 1, I haven't actually had anything. No hot flushes, no mood swings. Nothing.
My only problem at the moment is what to eat. I started off with my own ideas about what I would eat / drink this time around, but I've also been bombarded with suggestions from all kinds of other sources and I'm just been getting confused.

My own ideas

When I did my first round of IVF I got OHSS. To combat this I had to eat a high protein diet. Because I had so much fluid leaking around my organs, it must have been a strain on my stomach and it really affected my appetite. I just wasn't hungry and the smallest amount of food made me full. DF would tell me off that I wasn't eating enough but I just couldn't. So when I did eat, it was just protein rich foods. Now I'm not saying that this caused my miscarriage but I don't think I ate any fruit or vegetables for those first couple of weeks and I certainly don't think it helped.
So this time around, I have decided that I MUST eat healthily. I have been drinking more water at work, and drinking smoothies with my lunch and at night to up my fruit intake. I have been taking folic acid supplements since the beginning of the year. I have forced myself to eat lunch everyday to help my blood sugar. I have dramatically cut my chocolate intake to once a week and I've cut down on takeaways.

My sister, the soon to be Naturopath

My little (pregnant) sister is studying for a degree in Naturopathic medicine. Of course, she has taken a great interest in both of our fertility issues and constantly texts me / sends me notes on what I should be doing. So, since the beginning of the year I have also been taking a Vitamin C supplement daily. I'm not sure why she said to take it but it sure helped shift my sinusitis quickly last month! I have cut out all carbonated drinks. I am only drinking Evian water. This is because of the high levels of minerals it has compared to other bottled waters. I didn't believe her at first but I looked in the supermarket, and she's right. It has a really high amount of calcium in it. This also helps with her recommendation of more dairy in my diet. I've been having a piece of cheese with dinner. I've cut out all caffeine. I've been having some organic liquorice as a treat as it is an antioxidant, as she says I need to flush out my infertile toxins or something like that!! I have also been buying the Innocent antioxidant smoothies to help with this too. She also said I need apples and tomatoes. I have an apple everyday anyway, and I've added some cherry tomatoes to my lunch.

Acupuncturist

The only tip I've had off him so far is to stop eating so much spicy food, as I have too much fire inside of me!!?? I do eat a fair bit of spicy food but not everyday. I will try and cut down.

Twitter ladies

I've picked up on various tips from my twitter friends. @born2bamummy mentioned about eating warm foods. I think that's a good idea as some days I don't have anything hot at all, or most days it's just my evening meal. I bought some porridge today to have for breakfast, this will also help with my dairy intake as it says to make it with milk. @afterthealter mentioned about cinnamon. After Googling, I decided it would be a good thing to try, as it will help with my PCOS. Although PCOS is not the first thing on my mind at the moment as I'm not TTC naturally, but I am at a higher risk of miscarriage with it, and I DO NOT want to go through that again. So anything that might help is good with me. I tried to get some supplements yesterday but they were pretty expensive. I'll just have to sprinkle it on my foods, but I don't know what on. Maybe my porridge. @rosierattle also gave me some good tips on foods to eat and supplements to take.

It just all got a bit much for me yesterday. I couldn't see what I was supposed to be eating, and when. And just how was I supposed to fit it all in in one day?! I'm going to stick to what I'm already doing, I don't think I can do anymore. The changes I've already made are so significant, compared to what my diet was like before, so I'm hoping that this will be enough.