I thought it was about time that I updated my blog as I haven't done for a year now!!
My last post left me about to go on honeymoon and getting ready to start a FET straight after. Here goes:
We had a wonderful honeymoon to Las Vegas and Hawaii. While we were in Vegas we got to meet up with @IVFLondonUK who was to be my cycle buddy, we both had plans to start a FET as soon as we got back from our trips. While we were in Hawaii I bought some cowry shells for me and @listerlady as they are meant to represent fertility, and I also got us a little Tiki keyring to symbolise happiness.
Once we were back, we went to the clinic to get started on our FET. Everything was done - scans, blood tests, consent forms - and then the nurse asked me when I last had a smear. It was in July the previous year and had been abnormal. I had been referred to the hospital to have a colposcopy in October. Everything had looked fine, but I was to have a repeat appointment in April. The FET was on hold until then.
I had the repeat colposcopy and again, everything looked fine. I asked the Doctor about when I could start my FET and he said I would have to have another smear test first, which he did. I was totally fed up with all the waiting and was getting upset. I was so ready for this! I had stopped taking the anti-depressants in January, I was feeling like a complete new person. It just wasn't fair.
Around the same time, my sister found out she was pregnant again. It was a complete shock for them as she had struggled to conceive before. When she told me, I did have a good cry, but for different reasons this time. I cried for the person I had been when my niece was born, for the way I behaved, for the way I felt. I cried because I had missed out on so much with her. I didn't ever want to be that person again or go back to that place.
Eventually I got the smear results through. It was showing signs of precancerous changes. I had to go for yet another colposcopy. In the first week of June I went for my appointment. I thought I was just having a colposcopy but in fact they removed part of my cervix where the cells were. I was quite in shock as they didn't tell me what would be happening in the procedure, it was only once I read the leaflet afterwards that I understood what they had done! I also had a biopsy done to check for cancer. I again asked how I now stood with my FET. I was told that I would have to have a checkup in October and I would also need another smear which couldn't be done before December. I was crushed. I was having my first ever cancer scare and on top of that, I probably wouldn't be able to have IVF until 2012, and that was only if my smears returned to normal.
During this time I had some good talks over email with @IVFLondonUK who had been through this before. She stressed the importance of my cervix being healthy and back to normal before I started IVF again. There was no point in getting pregnant if my cervix wasn't healed, it could jeopardise everything. Although the situation was hard, I knew she was right.
I then had an allergic reaction to the cream the hospital gave me to use, which brought me out in spots all over my upper body, and then I got an infection from the procedure so I had to go on anti-biotics! The hospital then left me waiting for 8 weeks to get my biopsy results so I had to put a complaint in - you can't leave someone that long wondering if they have cancer or not!!
So, knowing I couldn't start on the IVF that year, I decided to have a summer of fun! It was a whirlwind of weddings and hen dos and a trip to the races. I went to Ibiza for a long weekend on a hen do, and I had the absolute time of my life!! I also got a tattoo done in August. I had been thinking about it for a long time, I wanted a Chinese blossom design. I went for two blossoms - one for me and one for DH, and an unopened bud to represent my miscarriage. The idea is to add more flowers when I have children.
I went to see a medium in the beginning of September. My sister had been twice before and my mum had been once, and they had been completely freaked out. It had all been so accurate and things she had predicted had come true since. I previously had an appointment that had landed in the couple of days after my last ET and so I cancelled it as I thought it might be too upsetting. It was probably the right thing to do, as my IVF and miscarriage were mentioned to my mum and she told her that the baby I lost was a boy.
The medium has a year long waiting list and so I had been waiting a long time for this appointment!! I wasn't too impressed, some things were accurate, some not so much. The things that she did say were that my life is on hold until I have a baby. I won't change jobs or anything. I do really feel like that. I would have loved to have changed jobs ages ago but they are understanding about my IVF and I need the maternity pay! She told me I would have a baby soon and she knew about the IVF. She said I would have a three month break and then it would alll start happening around Christmas. This has completely tied in with getting the go-ahead after the smear and how my FET has fallen. So we'll see!
I had my follow up colposcopy in October and the Doctor was happy that he had removed all of the offending cells and that my cervix had healed nicely! He then gave me the go ahead for IVF yippee!! He took another smear test and said that even if it came back abnormal again, he would still be happy for me to proceed with IVF as the changes would be minimal.
I spoke to my clinic and she gave me two options of starting that month and have the transfer in November, or start in December and have the transfer in January. I chose the latter as the first option would have affected my uni course.
My smear results eventually came back completely clear!!!
Other things that happened in the back end of the year -
My best friend found out she was pregnant, she conceived on honeymoon!! Whilst I was very happy for her, she unfortunately told me on the anniversary of my miscarriage. She wasn't to know, but it led to lots and lots of tears. We talked it through and she was glad I was honest with her about my feelings. She also said I can plan the baby shower, seen as I am the party planning expert! I think DH took it hard at first, but he said that he is unable to feel anything other than happiness for them, they're our best friends!!
My nephew was born! Things are a lot better this time around. I can't say that I have completely bonded with him yet, but I have been spending a lot more time with my niece and that is going brilliantly. I actually can look back at pictures from her first year and I can't remember it. It just shows how disinterested in her I was. I feel utterly ashamed. Reading back my blog today was just like reading somebody else's. I just wasn't me.
So, a year on, where am I now? My next blog will pick up from my 30th birthday, where my FET journey began.
I feel a new person. I am ready and waiting for my FET, ready to take it by the horns and do this!! I am feeling a little pressure for it to work with my best friend being pregnant. She is always talking about us together in the future, when we are both pregnant and both have babies etc. But I think I have a good feeling about this...
Friday 20 January 2012
Wednesday 12 January 2011
First appointment in a long time!
Today was the day I went back to the clinic to talk about getting back on with the IVF. I felt a little bit excited this morning, but decided not to tell my colleagues where I was going, I just said I was going to the doctors.
I had a good feeling when I was driving to the hospital as all my favourite songs at the moment came on the radio one after another! I also felt fine when I saw the hospital, not like last time!
Nasty nurse opened the door and I felt so disheartened instantly, I'd forgotten all about her!! I never liked seeing her as every single time I did, it was bad news and she didn't have the best bed side manner. But I just told myself off and said to myself that it's nothing to do with her, she can't influence anything, stop being so superstitious!!
Luckily I got my favourite nurse, and she gave me a hug and said how nice it was to see me again. We had a chat about the wedding and then got on to the IVF. She ran through again what happens with a FET, luckily I could remember it all.
I told her about the honeymoon next month and said that I didn't know whether to start the FET before or after it. She said she thought it would be better to leave it til after the honeymoon so that I can relax and enjoy myself, and come back refreshed and ready to go.
We went to Paris during my FET last year and we ended up bickering a lot. As I wasn't drinking and trying to get early nights, I was ready for bed at 10 and he was wanting to stay out for drinks and we ended up just being grumpy at each other all the time. I certainly don't want that on our honeymoon. I don't want to be worrying about how much sleep I'm getting and I want to enjoy myself. So I think it's definitely right to wait until afterwards.
I've made an appointment for 3 days after we get back to get going!
I walked out feeling good. I felt happy, smiley, relieved, and most importantly, READY!!
I had a good feeling when I was driving to the hospital as all my favourite songs at the moment came on the radio one after another! I also felt fine when I saw the hospital, not like last time!
Nasty nurse opened the door and I felt so disheartened instantly, I'd forgotten all about her!! I never liked seeing her as every single time I did, it was bad news and she didn't have the best bed side manner. But I just told myself off and said to myself that it's nothing to do with her, she can't influence anything, stop being so superstitious!!
Luckily I got my favourite nurse, and she gave me a hug and said how nice it was to see me again. We had a chat about the wedding and then got on to the IVF. She ran through again what happens with a FET, luckily I could remember it all.
I told her about the honeymoon next month and said that I didn't know whether to start the FET before or after it. She said she thought it would be better to leave it til after the honeymoon so that I can relax and enjoy myself, and come back refreshed and ready to go.
We went to Paris during my FET last year and we ended up bickering a lot. As I wasn't drinking and trying to get early nights, I was ready for bed at 10 and he was wanting to stay out for drinks and we ended up just being grumpy at each other all the time. I certainly don't want that on our honeymoon. I don't want to be worrying about how much sleep I'm getting and I want to enjoy myself. So I think it's definitely right to wait until afterwards.
I've made an appointment for 3 days after we get back to get going!
I walked out feeling good. I felt happy, smiley, relieved, and most importantly, READY!!
Saturday 1 January 2011
New Year, new start
Hello! Wow this is my first blog in 8 months! There's a lot to catch up on so here goes:
After having two weeks off work in April, I started to feel much better. I went back to work for a week and then we had the holiday to Spain. It was just what I needed and I felt so much better. I had intended to start IVF again in May, but as time passed, I just wasn't ready.
A friend suggested to me that we should have a good break, and finally get married. It took a lot of persuading to get DH to agree. He was adamant that he wanted to do another FET first. I just couldn't face it. In the end up I think he realised that I really wasn't in the right place to do another FET and I couldn't make him any promises about when I'd be ready. After having only just postponed the wedding for another year, we rebooked everything and away we went.
The wedding was booked for the 4th December. We only had 6 months to go. I promised to myself that I wouldn't do any wedding planning until after I had done my exams in June as I knew I wouldn't put enough effort in and I would get carried away with the excitement of the wedding.
In July I went to Oxford for the weekend to meet up with the lovely ivfchronicles, mrskmummytobe and phillygordon. It was great to finally meet the people I had been talking to on twitter for so long! But then something strange happened. I drifted away from twitter. I lost interest in everything and unfortunately lost contact somewhat with some of the very good friends I had made. At this point I left my ivfdiary twitter and used my old 'real-life' one to keep my twitter friends up to date with the wedding. I couldn't bear to read everyone's baby / IF news, it was still all so raw to me. And it all felt completely alien. I just had no interest in it all and I felt so far removed from the whole infertility thing. I have to say sorry to you ladies for disappearing. You have all been so amazing to me during my IVF journey and I'm surprised you have kept in touch with me after I have been around so little. I have missed out on returning the favour and helping you out and being there for you on so many occasions. And the longer I kept away, the harder I felt it was to join back in. I am going to make more of an effort now and really hope I can slot back into the twitter IF community fairly easily.
The next few months were spent planning the wedding and getting very stressed. It got to October and things weren't good. I wasn't enjoying the wedding planning. It was all a chore. I was having arguments with my mum and sister left, right and centre. My niece was born in May and everything was great at first. I couldn't wait to see her all the time, it was so exciting! But gradually everytime I saw them, I was starting to feel a kind of resentment. The whole world seemed to revolve around her. I didn't get a look in. I felt left out. I was jealous of the new bond my mum and sister had. Nobody was interested in my wedding. Nobody was helping me with any of it. My sister couldn't do all of the fun things I had planned as she had the baby to look after. It got worse and worse and harder and harder. To the point where I didn't want to go round to my mum's if my niece was there. One day she told me to come round and I did, believing they had gone home, but there were all there and I sat the whole evening nearly crying just wanting to leave.
I don't know where it came from. I can only assume that it was rooted in the fact that me and my sister were due to have babies within a week of each other. Everything she had, I should've had. We should've been experiencing it all together. I never sat and actively thought these things, but looking back, there's no other explanation really.
I eventually talked to my mum about it and also to my sister. The hardest bit was that my sister had noticed how I was behaving. She knew I hadn't bonded with my niece. She told me straight that I was missing out on so much and I had to get help. I went back to the doctors. It was lovely to talk to someone who 'got me'. She completely understood everything that I was saying and I felt like a huge weight had been lifted off my shoulders. She told me to go on internet forums etc, and I explained about all of you. At this point in time, there was only me and ivfchronicles that weren't pregnant in our original group of twitter friends. And I know how hard that was for both of us.
The doctor did a depression survey on me, and said that she wouldn't class me as depressed but that everything was obviously getting on top of me. She put me on a low dose of anti-depressants to see how I went. They started to work pretty quickly. I didn't feel much different, but they kind of made everything 'wash over' me. Nothing bothered me, nothing could get me down. I felt kind of numb. I went back after a month and she agreed that as I had my wedding coming up, I needed to feel some kind of emotion (I couldn't get excited or anything) and so changed my tablets. I got lots of side effects - trouble sleeping, night sweats and unexplained bruising - so the doctor switched my back to the other ones.
We got married!! The week before was very very stressful, especially as it decided to snow really badly. I had enough on without everyone whinging at me about how they were going to get there etc! A few people coming from afar cancelled and quite a few people didn't come to the evening reception, but it all turned out ok in the end! 3 of my bridesmaids wore wellies to go the church, and DH had to wear his walking boots but they all got glammed up once we had got to the reception venue.
I didn't enjoy a lot of the wedding process. I can only put this down to my state of mind. It was all too stressful. However, my absolute favourite bit was the actual wedding ceremony. I was on cloud 9, I beamed the whole way through. It was perfect, and that's the only bit that matters - the getting married bit. We then had a wonderful few days in Bath and that made up for everything from the week before.
Christmas wasn't very enjoyable. And I love Christmas! We were away until the 8th December. As soon as we got back, we both got flu really badly. So we missed out on another week of preparations. Everything was so rushed for Christmas. And then my grandad died. The funeral was the day before Christmas Eve. My mum cancelled Christmas. It was a very odd week and none of us have truly enjoyed it. We've had lots of family arguments this week that I suppose is just everyone's grief coming out, and I've been stuck in the middle, trying to hold it all together.
So it's a new year and a fresh start now. I had always intended to start IVF again in January. I don't feel 100% ready, but when are we ever ready to put ourselves through this? I have to just put the last year behind me and get on with it. We have booked our proper honeymoon for the middle of February. I'm going to try to make an appointment at the clinic next week and hopefully work the FET around the honeymoon. Last time the FET took 6 weeks, and there were quite a few weeks where you didn't need appointments etc, so hopefully it will all slot together and I will be looking at a transfer in March sometime.
I'm still on the anti-depressants, although I forget to take them most days and I'm still ok so maybe I don't need them after all. I also need to discuss them with the ivf clinic in case they might affect a FET in any way.
I'm finding it hard at the moment to keep up with my ivfdiary twitter. Because I've been friends with a lot of you for over 18 months, I know everything about you. We're friends on facebook. I know what you look like and I've met some of you. I don't know who any of my new followers are, or any of the new ladies in the circle. I don't know anyone's name, I can't even remember profile pictures! So please bear with me, introduce yourself if you like. Hopefully I'll get back into the swing of it again soon.
xxx
After having two weeks off work in April, I started to feel much better. I went back to work for a week and then we had the holiday to Spain. It was just what I needed and I felt so much better. I had intended to start IVF again in May, but as time passed, I just wasn't ready.
A friend suggested to me that we should have a good break, and finally get married. It took a lot of persuading to get DH to agree. He was adamant that he wanted to do another FET first. I just couldn't face it. In the end up I think he realised that I really wasn't in the right place to do another FET and I couldn't make him any promises about when I'd be ready. After having only just postponed the wedding for another year, we rebooked everything and away we went.
The wedding was booked for the 4th December. We only had 6 months to go. I promised to myself that I wouldn't do any wedding planning until after I had done my exams in June as I knew I wouldn't put enough effort in and I would get carried away with the excitement of the wedding.
In July I went to Oxford for the weekend to meet up with the lovely ivfchronicles, mrskmummytobe and phillygordon. It was great to finally meet the people I had been talking to on twitter for so long! But then something strange happened. I drifted away from twitter. I lost interest in everything and unfortunately lost contact somewhat with some of the very good friends I had made. At this point I left my ivfdiary twitter and used my old 'real-life' one to keep my twitter friends up to date with the wedding. I couldn't bear to read everyone's baby / IF news, it was still all so raw to me. And it all felt completely alien. I just had no interest in it all and I felt so far removed from the whole infertility thing. I have to say sorry to you ladies for disappearing. You have all been so amazing to me during my IVF journey and I'm surprised you have kept in touch with me after I have been around so little. I have missed out on returning the favour and helping you out and being there for you on so many occasions. And the longer I kept away, the harder I felt it was to join back in. I am going to make more of an effort now and really hope I can slot back into the twitter IF community fairly easily.
The next few months were spent planning the wedding and getting very stressed. It got to October and things weren't good. I wasn't enjoying the wedding planning. It was all a chore. I was having arguments with my mum and sister left, right and centre. My niece was born in May and everything was great at first. I couldn't wait to see her all the time, it was so exciting! But gradually everytime I saw them, I was starting to feel a kind of resentment. The whole world seemed to revolve around her. I didn't get a look in. I felt left out. I was jealous of the new bond my mum and sister had. Nobody was interested in my wedding. Nobody was helping me with any of it. My sister couldn't do all of the fun things I had planned as she had the baby to look after. It got worse and worse and harder and harder. To the point where I didn't want to go round to my mum's if my niece was there. One day she told me to come round and I did, believing they had gone home, but there were all there and I sat the whole evening nearly crying just wanting to leave.
I don't know where it came from. I can only assume that it was rooted in the fact that me and my sister were due to have babies within a week of each other. Everything she had, I should've had. We should've been experiencing it all together. I never sat and actively thought these things, but looking back, there's no other explanation really.
I eventually talked to my mum about it and also to my sister. The hardest bit was that my sister had noticed how I was behaving. She knew I hadn't bonded with my niece. She told me straight that I was missing out on so much and I had to get help. I went back to the doctors. It was lovely to talk to someone who 'got me'. She completely understood everything that I was saying and I felt like a huge weight had been lifted off my shoulders. She told me to go on internet forums etc, and I explained about all of you. At this point in time, there was only me and ivfchronicles that weren't pregnant in our original group of twitter friends. And I know how hard that was for both of us.
The doctor did a depression survey on me, and said that she wouldn't class me as depressed but that everything was obviously getting on top of me. She put me on a low dose of anti-depressants to see how I went. They started to work pretty quickly. I didn't feel much different, but they kind of made everything 'wash over' me. Nothing bothered me, nothing could get me down. I felt kind of numb. I went back after a month and she agreed that as I had my wedding coming up, I needed to feel some kind of emotion (I couldn't get excited or anything) and so changed my tablets. I got lots of side effects - trouble sleeping, night sweats and unexplained bruising - so the doctor switched my back to the other ones.
We got married!! The week before was very very stressful, especially as it decided to snow really badly. I had enough on without everyone whinging at me about how they were going to get there etc! A few people coming from afar cancelled and quite a few people didn't come to the evening reception, but it all turned out ok in the end! 3 of my bridesmaids wore wellies to go the church, and DH had to wear his walking boots but they all got glammed up once we had got to the reception venue.
I didn't enjoy a lot of the wedding process. I can only put this down to my state of mind. It was all too stressful. However, my absolute favourite bit was the actual wedding ceremony. I was on cloud 9, I beamed the whole way through. It was perfect, and that's the only bit that matters - the getting married bit. We then had a wonderful few days in Bath and that made up for everything from the week before.
Christmas wasn't very enjoyable. And I love Christmas! We were away until the 8th December. As soon as we got back, we both got flu really badly. So we missed out on another week of preparations. Everything was so rushed for Christmas. And then my grandad died. The funeral was the day before Christmas Eve. My mum cancelled Christmas. It was a very odd week and none of us have truly enjoyed it. We've had lots of family arguments this week that I suppose is just everyone's grief coming out, and I've been stuck in the middle, trying to hold it all together.
So it's a new year and a fresh start now. I had always intended to start IVF again in January. I don't feel 100% ready, but when are we ever ready to put ourselves through this? I have to just put the last year behind me and get on with it. We have booked our proper honeymoon for the middle of February. I'm going to try to make an appointment at the clinic next week and hopefully work the FET around the honeymoon. Last time the FET took 6 weeks, and there were quite a few weeks where you didn't need appointments etc, so hopefully it will all slot together and I will be looking at a transfer in March sometime.
I'm still on the anti-depressants, although I forget to take them most days and I'm still ok so maybe I don't need them after all. I also need to discuss them with the ivf clinic in case they might affect a FET in any way.
I'm finding it hard at the moment to keep up with my ivfdiary twitter. Because I've been friends with a lot of you for over 18 months, I know everything about you. We're friends on facebook. I know what you look like and I've met some of you. I don't know who any of my new followers are, or any of the new ladies in the circle. I don't know anyone's name, I can't even remember profile pictures! So please bear with me, introduce yourself if you like. Hopefully I'll get back into the swing of it again soon.
xxx
Wednesday 21 April 2010
My awesome friends
Response No 1
I bet it does become a real burden after a while. When I went to see Tony Robbins in London a couple of years ago, we had to start each day by thinking about all the things that are good, such as...
- waking up healthy each day and being able to see and hear the world around us
- having family and friends around us that care about us
- being able to afford luxuries in life such as keeping warm, comfortable and well fed
Those were strange things to think of at the time, but I try and do it each night when I go to bed and it does make you feel better. There's a particularly nice quote from Dale Carnegie...
"I had the blues because I had no shoes,Until upon the street, I met a man who had no feet."
Don't worry about it though Fi. Eventually it will happen and probably at the most unexpected time.
You do well to put it all into words. And don't worry about crying - once its spilled over it can go elsewhere and not drag you down each day. Also telling people does help because it helps people support you in the way you need, rather than them guessing what's wrong. I wish I could have told myself all this jargon too years ago when I felt the same because the business wasn't working out. At the time though you're so engrossed in it all you don't think straight. In the meantime, keep exercising because it releases endorphines into the bloodstream that take away that down feeling! God I sound like an agony aunt...
Response No 2
I guarantee you non of us think you're being silly, so you can forget that one right away. I've just balled my eyes out reading that and really really wish i was there with you just to give you a huge hug and tell you it WILL be ok, maybe not right away but it will be. You've done the best thing you can by telling us all, now we can help you and i'm sure all of us will say just call or come round anytime for a chat even if you don't want a chat but just want company we're all here for you (yeah i know i'm miles away but others aren't - and the kettles always on).Sweetie, i so wish you'd said something, what you're feeling is, i'm sure, completely normal - you said yourself others explained how you feel perfectly.I can only imagine what you've been through, it must be hell and to have all those emotions and thoughts running through your head all the time i'm not at all surprised you cried and cried. love you loads, big hugs
Response No 3
Wow honey!!! My heads gone all fuzzy... was alot to take in. I can feel the emotion you put into that, was very strong. Let it all out, let it go, now it has room to heal. You always seem be so strong & together, but its ok not to be, its normal!! Its ok to admit your not coping very wel. If only we all had the courage to admit it, when we felt like that, thats half the battle admiting it to ourselves, it takes soo much more courage admiting it to your loved ones. Babes im sending you soo much love & healing... you will get there, I know you will. Am really proud of you for opening up... things can only get better... lots of love
Response No 4
hav been pondering over your mail all eve and havent got anywhere with it other than go around and around in circles.i dont know what to say, there is nothing i can say, i dont know how your feeling and everyone feels things differently and i havent gone through what you have been through. all i can do is repeat what i said to you the other week and that was that theres no reason for it not to work other than the unfortunate statistics that havent gone in your favour so far. But it will work eventually theres just no clue of when it will happen which is half the frustration.you have to be strong and positive and battle on through it because its the only thing that you can do. and when it does happen it will be all the more special and wonderful and you will be all the more ready and prepared.in the meantime theres no good bottling it up- u need to go to the doctors and tell them what you told us. you can see a councellor straight away and they might give you something else too as maybe all the drugs have knocked you sideways a little. You cant concider going for it again until you have got yourself sorted first. keep yourself out and about to get your mind off it and cheer u up. and dont forget to talk to me and mum when u need toxxxxxxlove u loadsxxxxxx
It's making me cry reading them again!!!
I bet it does become a real burden after a while. When I went to see Tony Robbins in London a couple of years ago, we had to start each day by thinking about all the things that are good, such as...
- waking up healthy each day and being able to see and hear the world around us
- having family and friends around us that care about us
- being able to afford luxuries in life such as keeping warm, comfortable and well fed
Those were strange things to think of at the time, but I try and do it each night when I go to bed and it does make you feel better. There's a particularly nice quote from Dale Carnegie...
"I had the blues because I had no shoes,Until upon the street, I met a man who had no feet."
Don't worry about it though Fi. Eventually it will happen and probably at the most unexpected time.
You do well to put it all into words. And don't worry about crying - once its spilled over it can go elsewhere and not drag you down each day. Also telling people does help because it helps people support you in the way you need, rather than them guessing what's wrong. I wish I could have told myself all this jargon too years ago when I felt the same because the business wasn't working out. At the time though you're so engrossed in it all you don't think straight. In the meantime, keep exercising because it releases endorphines into the bloodstream that take away that down feeling! God I sound like an agony aunt...
Response No 2
I guarantee you non of us think you're being silly, so you can forget that one right away. I've just balled my eyes out reading that and really really wish i was there with you just to give you a huge hug and tell you it WILL be ok, maybe not right away but it will be. You've done the best thing you can by telling us all, now we can help you and i'm sure all of us will say just call or come round anytime for a chat even if you don't want a chat but just want company we're all here for you (yeah i know i'm miles away but others aren't - and the kettles always on).Sweetie, i so wish you'd said something, what you're feeling is, i'm sure, completely normal - you said yourself others explained how you feel perfectly.I can only imagine what you've been through, it must be hell and to have all those emotions and thoughts running through your head all the time i'm not at all surprised you cried and cried. love you loads, big hugs
Response No 3
Wow honey!!! My heads gone all fuzzy... was alot to take in. I can feel the emotion you put into that, was very strong. Let it all out, let it go, now it has room to heal. You always seem be so strong & together, but its ok not to be, its normal!! Its ok to admit your not coping very wel. If only we all had the courage to admit it, when we felt like that, thats half the battle admiting it to ourselves, it takes soo much more courage admiting it to your loved ones. Babes im sending you soo much love & healing... you will get there, I know you will. Am really proud of you for opening up... things can only get better... lots of love
Response No 4
hav been pondering over your mail all eve and havent got anywhere with it other than go around and around in circles.i dont know what to say, there is nothing i can say, i dont know how your feeling and everyone feels things differently and i havent gone through what you have been through. all i can do is repeat what i said to you the other week and that was that theres no reason for it not to work other than the unfortunate statistics that havent gone in your favour so far. But it will work eventually theres just no clue of when it will happen which is half the frustration.you have to be strong and positive and battle on through it because its the only thing that you can do. and when it does happen it will be all the more special and wonderful and you will be all the more ready and prepared.in the meantime theres no good bottling it up- u need to go to the doctors and tell them what you told us. you can see a councellor straight away and they might give you something else too as maybe all the drugs have knocked you sideways a little. You cant concider going for it again until you have got yourself sorted first. keep yourself out and about to get your mind off it and cheer u up. and dont forget to talk to me and mum when u need toxxxxxxlove u loadsxxxxxx
It's making me cry reading them again!!!
Meltdown
So last Thursday I had a meltdown. I don't know where it came from, I don't know why or what brought it on. I was putting some washing away and i looked underneath the window and I thought 'I could just sit down there and have a really good cry'. And I did. And the tears didn't stop for hours. I thought about all of the IVF stuff and my miscarriage.
I was complaining to DF that no-one understood me and that everyone thinks I am OK now, but I'm obviously not. He said that the only way was to tell people how I am feeling. I went to work the next day with red puffy eyes. I sat and constructed an email throughout the morning, with tears in my eyes the whole time. This is what I sent to my mum, sister and 6 friends:
Hi
I've been through a lot over the last year with my IVF and I'm struggling to cope with it now. I needed to let you know that even though I seem OK on the outside and I say I'm alright, I'm not. I had a bit of a breakdown last night. I don’t know where it came from, or why it has taken so long to come out but it did in a big way. I cried and cried and cried, I think for the first time since I got my negative test result last month. And I couldn't stop. T didn't know what to do with me, he's not used to a blubbering mess! Even when I'd calmed down a bit, tears kept streaming for no reason and I really couldn’t stop. I think I've been bottling it all up for way too long now. I think I've not said anything before because I couldn't explain how I felt. All I knew was I felt really down all the time but I couldn't describe why. Then an IVF friend on the internet told me how she was feeling and it was perfect. She said she feels 'Bored, unmotivated, unsettled, irritable, infertile and fat. It's more than feeling down, it's feeling like I'm in limbo with no motivation to enjoy anything.' that's exactly how I'm feeling. And while it's good that I have people on the internet I can talk to who understand how I'm feeling, I can't keep living this double life of pretending everything's OK in real life but being honest on the internet. I said to t last night that no-one understands me and I think you all think I've got over everything and he said the only thing I could do was tell you. You can't understand how I'm feeling, I know that. even if you've had fertility problems or a miscarriage yourself, you can sympathise but you haven't had everything I've had to go through. You might think I'm being silly, there are people with worse problems in the world.to be honest, I've seen other ladies on the internet feeling like this and I haven't understood why until now. I just thought, why can't they get over it? I don't sit and think about what has happened to me and I don't sit thinking about why I'm not pregnant. It's just I feel like crap all of the time and I don't understand why. I feel like I'm living in my own little world. You know who you are - I'm sorry if I've not been in touch as much as I should've been or not been to see you, I'm sorry if I haven't replied to messages as quickly as I should've done, I'm sorry if I've annoyed you or upset you. maybe you can understand why now. I suppose this has been going on since the miscarriage in October / November. Although I felt OK afterwards, I don't think I was. the disappointment of this last IVF has just added to it. I thought I'd feel OK by now, but I don't. I think it has been made worse by seeing t struggle too. as you know, he normally bottles everything up but it is really getting to him too. I want to start IVF again next month but I don't think I'm ready yet. Hopefully with some support in the real world I might come round a bit. The last thing I want is to end up with full blown depression, so hopefully by admitting it all now I will prevent that. Sorry for rambling but I needed to get it off my chest
I cant believe the response i got from my friends. One friend immediately texted me, wanting to meet up and we had a really good talk that night. she said she had wondered how i was coping so well. My best friend was really apologetic, she hadn't known what to say to me (she got pregnant the first month they tried!!) and said it was easier to accept my first answer if i said i was OK. my mum had a bit of a go, asking why hadn't i talked to her before. i also had a long phone conversation with another of my oldest friends. i then had four wonderful emails back, which i will post in my next blog. if you're wondering why it doesn't add up, yes one friend has ignored me. i don't know why i sent it to her really.
The next day i felt a lot better for getting everything off my chest. we had already arranged to go over to my sister's and go to the Mamas and Papas outlet to get some last bits she needed. Maybe I shouldn't have gone. I was doing OK, until my nan started asking questions:
Nan: Have you rung the hospital to get your next appointment yet?
Me: No
N: I thought you were going soon?
M: No not yet
N: Well why?
M: I'm not doing too well Nan
N: Have the hospital said that?
M: No I've said that
N: Well what's wrong?
M: Nothing I'll tell you later
N: Well I want to know now
M: No I'm gonna cry
N: Well I want to know what's wrong with you!
And I just burst into tears in the middle of the shop and had to go running out. It was so embarrassing!! I was doing fine up until that point. After I had sat outside for a bit, I went back in and it was OK again. But I just wanted to go home. But we had to go for lunch, then back to her house to look at the nursery. On the way home, something really scary happened, I nearly fell asleep at the wheel at least three times. In the middle of the afternoon. I just knew then that I wasn't right. I got home to find DF's friend there with a bunch of flowers (he had got the email) and an invite to his villa in Spain. So we are off in 3 weeks time. He has been the one that has surprised me the most. I got two long emails from him, the flowers, the holiday, on Sunday he cooked us our lunch and then we sat and watched DVDs all afternoon. Just the perfect distraction.
I went to work on Monday and found that I had made lots of mistakes on Friday. I just couldn't concentrate either. I went to have a word with my boss and she was great as usual. Both mums had told me to go the doctors and so I went yesterday. I didn't want to cry but of course i did straight away!! She seemed quite surprised that I had done 2 IVFs in a year. I know we all do it, but maybe it is too much for us? She also said that she believes we should be given counselling BEFORE an IVF so that we are fully aware of what it entails.
She said that i could either be suffering from a kind of grief from all of this, or mental exhaustion. She signed me off work for 2 weeks and I have to go see her again at the end of it. If I am better by then, then it was just exhaustion. If not, then it is a deeper rooted problem and it will need to be looked at further. I think the mental exhaustion sounds about right. In the past year I've had an abandoned IVF, an IVF, OHSS, a miscarriage, a failed FET, along with full-time work, college 2 nights a week plus study at weekends, my sister being pregnant, issues with a good friend, dog training classes, poorly grandparents. The list just goes on. No wonder this has happened to me.
I was complaining to DF that no-one understood me and that everyone thinks I am OK now, but I'm obviously not. He said that the only way was to tell people how I am feeling. I went to work the next day with red puffy eyes. I sat and constructed an email throughout the morning, with tears in my eyes the whole time. This is what I sent to my mum, sister and 6 friends:
Hi
I've been through a lot over the last year with my IVF and I'm struggling to cope with it now. I needed to let you know that even though I seem OK on the outside and I say I'm alright, I'm not. I had a bit of a breakdown last night. I don’t know where it came from, or why it has taken so long to come out but it did in a big way. I cried and cried and cried, I think for the first time since I got my negative test result last month. And I couldn't stop. T didn't know what to do with me, he's not used to a blubbering mess! Even when I'd calmed down a bit, tears kept streaming for no reason and I really couldn’t stop. I think I've been bottling it all up for way too long now. I think I've not said anything before because I couldn't explain how I felt. All I knew was I felt really down all the time but I couldn't describe why. Then an IVF friend on the internet told me how she was feeling and it was perfect. She said she feels 'Bored, unmotivated, unsettled, irritable, infertile and fat. It's more than feeling down, it's feeling like I'm in limbo with no motivation to enjoy anything.' that's exactly how I'm feeling. And while it's good that I have people on the internet I can talk to who understand how I'm feeling, I can't keep living this double life of pretending everything's OK in real life but being honest on the internet. I said to t last night that no-one understands me and I think you all think I've got over everything and he said the only thing I could do was tell you. You can't understand how I'm feeling, I know that. even if you've had fertility problems or a miscarriage yourself, you can sympathise but you haven't had everything I've had to go through. You might think I'm being silly, there are people with worse problems in the world.to be honest, I've seen other ladies on the internet feeling like this and I haven't understood why until now. I just thought, why can't they get over it? I don't sit and think about what has happened to me and I don't sit thinking about why I'm not pregnant. It's just I feel like crap all of the time and I don't understand why. I feel like I'm living in my own little world. You know who you are - I'm sorry if I've not been in touch as much as I should've been or not been to see you, I'm sorry if I haven't replied to messages as quickly as I should've done, I'm sorry if I've annoyed you or upset you. maybe you can understand why now. I suppose this has been going on since the miscarriage in October / November. Although I felt OK afterwards, I don't think I was. the disappointment of this last IVF has just added to it. I thought I'd feel OK by now, but I don't. I think it has been made worse by seeing t struggle too. as you know, he normally bottles everything up but it is really getting to him too. I want to start IVF again next month but I don't think I'm ready yet. Hopefully with some support in the real world I might come round a bit. The last thing I want is to end up with full blown depression, so hopefully by admitting it all now I will prevent that. Sorry for rambling but I needed to get it off my chest
I cant believe the response i got from my friends. One friend immediately texted me, wanting to meet up and we had a really good talk that night. she said she had wondered how i was coping so well. My best friend was really apologetic, she hadn't known what to say to me (she got pregnant the first month they tried!!) and said it was easier to accept my first answer if i said i was OK. my mum had a bit of a go, asking why hadn't i talked to her before. i also had a long phone conversation with another of my oldest friends. i then had four wonderful emails back, which i will post in my next blog. if you're wondering why it doesn't add up, yes one friend has ignored me. i don't know why i sent it to her really.
The next day i felt a lot better for getting everything off my chest. we had already arranged to go over to my sister's and go to the Mamas and Papas outlet to get some last bits she needed. Maybe I shouldn't have gone. I was doing OK, until my nan started asking questions:
Nan: Have you rung the hospital to get your next appointment yet?
Me: No
N: I thought you were going soon?
M: No not yet
N: Well why?
M: I'm not doing too well Nan
N: Have the hospital said that?
M: No I've said that
N: Well what's wrong?
M: Nothing I'll tell you later
N: Well I want to know now
M: No I'm gonna cry
N: Well I want to know what's wrong with you!
And I just burst into tears in the middle of the shop and had to go running out. It was so embarrassing!! I was doing fine up until that point. After I had sat outside for a bit, I went back in and it was OK again. But I just wanted to go home. But we had to go for lunch, then back to her house to look at the nursery. On the way home, something really scary happened, I nearly fell asleep at the wheel at least three times. In the middle of the afternoon. I just knew then that I wasn't right. I got home to find DF's friend there with a bunch of flowers (he had got the email) and an invite to his villa in Spain. So we are off in 3 weeks time. He has been the one that has surprised me the most. I got two long emails from him, the flowers, the holiday, on Sunday he cooked us our lunch and then we sat and watched DVDs all afternoon. Just the perfect distraction.
I went to work on Monday and found that I had made lots of mistakes on Friday. I just couldn't concentrate either. I went to have a word with my boss and she was great as usual. Both mums had told me to go the doctors and so I went yesterday. I didn't want to cry but of course i did straight away!! She seemed quite surprised that I had done 2 IVFs in a year. I know we all do it, but maybe it is too much for us? She also said that she believes we should be given counselling BEFORE an IVF so that we are fully aware of what it entails.
She said that i could either be suffering from a kind of grief from all of this, or mental exhaustion. She signed me off work for 2 weeks and I have to go see her again at the end of it. If I am better by then, then it was just exhaustion. If not, then it is a deeper rooted problem and it will need to be looked at further. I think the mental exhaustion sounds about right. In the past year I've had an abandoned IVF, an IVF, OHSS, a miscarriage, a failed FET, along with full-time work, college 2 nights a week plus study at weekends, my sister being pregnant, issues with a good friend, dog training classes, poorly grandparents. The list just goes on. No wonder this has happened to me.
Friday 9 April 2010
99 things about me
I've been meaning to do this post for ages, but never got round to it! Copy the blog into yours and bold the ones you have done!
1. Started your own blog - Yes, but I don't have many followers!! And I don't know how to make it look nice :o(
2. Slept under the stars - Does in a tent count?
3. Played in a band
4. Visited Hawaii - No but it is going to be our honeymoon destination
5. Watched a meteor shower
6. Given more than you can afford to charity
7. Been to DisneyWorld - I've been to DisneyLand Paris if that counts
8. Climbed a mountain
9. Held a praying mantis
10. Sang a solo - Once when I was 10 and auditioning for the pantomime. I don't sing in public now!!
11. Bungee jumped
12. Visited Paris - Yes 3 times
13. Watched a lightning storm
14. Taught yourself an art from scratch
15. Adopted a child
16. Had food poisoning - Eugh yes from a Chinese takeaway
17. Walked to the top of the Statue of Liberty - No but I'd like to!
18. Grown your own vegetables - Erm cress is about as far as I've got!
19. Seen the Mona Lisa in France - Yes twice, I never realised it was so small!
20. Slept on an overnight train
21. Had a pillow fight
22. Hitch hiked
23. Taken a sick day when you’re not ill
24. Built a snow fort - No but I went in a cool igloo a few months ago!
25. Held a lamb - I think I have but not sure. My auntie used to go out with a farmer!
26. Gone skinny dipping
27. Run a Marathon - I can't run for 30 seconds...
28. Ridden in a gondola in Venice
29. Seen a total eclipse - Yes we had to wear these weird glasses!
30. Watched a sunrise or sunset - Nothing beats an Ibiza sunset
31. Hit a home run - I don't do sports
32. Been on a cruise - I'd like to
33. Seen Niagara Falls in person - I'd like to
34. Visited the birthplace of your ancestors
35. Seen an Amish community
36. Taught yourself a new language - Never taught myself one, only at school
37. Had enough money to be truly satisfied
38. Seen the Leaning Tower of Pisa in person - Would love to go to Italy
39. Gone rock climbing
40. Seen Michelangelo’s David - Where is it?!
41. Sung karaoke - Never, I can't sing!!
42. Seen Old Faithful geyser erupt
43. Bought a stranger a meal at a restaurant - Why would I do that?
44. Visited Africa
45. Walked on a beach by moonlight
46. Been transported in an ambulance - Twice, both with ankle injuries!
47. Had your portrait painted
48. Gone deep sea fishing
50. Been to the top of the Eiffel Tower in Paris
51. Gone scuba diving or snorkeling
52. Kissed in the rain
53. Played in the mud
54. Gone to a drive-in theater
55. Been in a movie
56. Visited the Great Wall of China
57. Started a business
58. Taken a martial arts class - Well, a judo class at school!
59. Visited Russia
60. Served at a soup kitchen
61. Sold Girl Scout Cookies
62. Gone whale watching
63. Got flowers for no reason - I don't get flowers very often!
64. Donated blood, platelets or plasma - I want to give blood again but can't for 6 month's after acupuncture!
65. Gone sky diving
66. Visited a Nazi Concentration Camp
67. Bounced a check - in my youth when I was a bad money-manager
68. Flown in a helicopter
69. Saved a favorite childhood toy - I have lots at my mums and some in my garage
70. Visited the Lincoln Memorial
71. Eaten Caviar
72. Pieced a quilt
73. Stood in Times Square
74. Toured the Everglades
75. Been fired from a job
76. Seen the Changing of the Guards in London - I might have done, I can't remember!
77. Broken a bone - My ankle extremely badly!
78. Been a passenger on a motorcycle - Only on a moped, that was bad enough!!
79. Seen the Grand Canyon in person - No but I've seen DF's millions of pictures
80. Published a book
81. Visited the Vatican
82. Bought a brand new car - My first car was brand new
83. Walked in Jerusalem
84. Had your picture in the newspaper - When I was younger
85. Kissed a stranger at midnight on New Year’s Eve
86. Visited the White House
87. Killed and prepared an animal for eating
88. Had chickenpox
89. Saved someone’s life
90. Sat on a jury
91. Met someone famous - Judge Jules is as famous as it gets. Now that was a good night!
92. Joined a book club
93. Got a tattoo - I keep toying with the idea
94. Had a baby - Soon please!!
95. Seen the Alamo in person - What's that?
96. Swam in the Great Salt Lake
97. Been involved in a law suit
98. Owned a cell phone - Lots over the years. But mobile phones, not cells ;o)
99. Been stung by a bee
1. Started your own blog - Yes, but I don't have many followers!! And I don't know how to make it look nice :o(
2. Slept under the stars - Does in a tent count?
3. Played in a band
4. Visited Hawaii - No but it is going to be our honeymoon destination
5. Watched a meteor shower
6. Given more than you can afford to charity
7. Been to DisneyWorld - I've been to DisneyLand Paris if that counts
8. Climbed a mountain
9. Held a praying mantis
10. Sang a solo - Once when I was 10 and auditioning for the pantomime. I don't sing in public now!!
11. Bungee jumped
12. Visited Paris - Yes 3 times
13. Watched a lightning storm
14. Taught yourself an art from scratch
15. Adopted a child
16. Had food poisoning - Eugh yes from a Chinese takeaway
17. Walked to the top of the Statue of Liberty - No but I'd like to!
18. Grown your own vegetables - Erm cress is about as far as I've got!
19. Seen the Mona Lisa in France - Yes twice, I never realised it was so small!
20. Slept on an overnight train
21. Had a pillow fight
22. Hitch hiked
23. Taken a sick day when you’re not ill
24. Built a snow fort - No but I went in a cool igloo a few months ago!
25. Held a lamb - I think I have but not sure. My auntie used to go out with a farmer!
26. Gone skinny dipping
27. Run a Marathon - I can't run for 30 seconds...
28. Ridden in a gondola in Venice
29. Seen a total eclipse - Yes we had to wear these weird glasses!
30. Watched a sunrise or sunset - Nothing beats an Ibiza sunset
31. Hit a home run - I don't do sports
32. Been on a cruise - I'd like to
33. Seen Niagara Falls in person - I'd like to
34. Visited the birthplace of your ancestors
35. Seen an Amish community
36. Taught yourself a new language - Never taught myself one, only at school
37. Had enough money to be truly satisfied
38. Seen the Leaning Tower of Pisa in person - Would love to go to Italy
39. Gone rock climbing
40. Seen Michelangelo’s David - Where is it?!
41. Sung karaoke - Never, I can't sing!!
42. Seen Old Faithful geyser erupt
43. Bought a stranger a meal at a restaurant - Why would I do that?
44. Visited Africa
45. Walked on a beach by moonlight
46. Been transported in an ambulance - Twice, both with ankle injuries!
47. Had your portrait painted
48. Gone deep sea fishing
50. Been to the top of the Eiffel Tower in Paris
51. Gone scuba diving or snorkeling
52. Kissed in the rain
53. Played in the mud
54. Gone to a drive-in theater
55. Been in a movie
56. Visited the Great Wall of China
57. Started a business
58. Taken a martial arts class - Well, a judo class at school!
59. Visited Russia
60. Served at a soup kitchen
61. Sold Girl Scout Cookies
62. Gone whale watching
63. Got flowers for no reason - I don't get flowers very often!
64. Donated blood, platelets or plasma - I want to give blood again but can't for 6 month's after acupuncture!
65. Gone sky diving
66. Visited a Nazi Concentration Camp
67. Bounced a check - in my youth when I was a bad money-manager
68. Flown in a helicopter
69. Saved a favorite childhood toy - I have lots at my mums and some in my garage
70. Visited the Lincoln Memorial
71. Eaten Caviar
72. Pieced a quilt
73. Stood in Times Square
74. Toured the Everglades
75. Been fired from a job
76. Seen the Changing of the Guards in London - I might have done, I can't remember!
77. Broken a bone - My ankle extremely badly!
78. Been a passenger on a motorcycle - Only on a moped, that was bad enough!!
79. Seen the Grand Canyon in person - No but I've seen DF's millions of pictures
80. Published a book
81. Visited the Vatican
82. Bought a brand new car - My first car was brand new
83. Walked in Jerusalem
84. Had your picture in the newspaper - When I was younger
85. Kissed a stranger at midnight on New Year’s Eve
86. Visited the White House
87. Killed and prepared an animal for eating
88. Had chickenpox
89. Saved someone’s life
90. Sat on a jury
91. Met someone famous - Judge Jules is as famous as it gets. Now that was a good night!
92. Joined a book club
93. Got a tattoo - I keep toying with the idea
94. Had a baby - Soon please!!
95. Seen the Alamo in person - What's that?
96. Swam in the Great Salt Lake
97. Been involved in a law suit
98. Owned a cell phone - Lots over the years. But mobile phones, not cells ;o)
99. Been stung by a bee
Tuesday 6 April 2010
Words of wisdom
I have a really good friend L. We met as she was going out with DF's friend (the one who introduced us). We never really got on, but after a few years they split up but we kept in touch. For some reason, we got on a million times better without our boyfriends there! We had some really good fun and crazy times together, but then she decided to go travelling. She has now moved back to the UK with her husband, but they live in Scotland so we rarely see each other. Facebook has been brilliant for keeping in touch, and so she has been kept up to date throughout my IVF journey.
She is a really spiritual person. I don't know anyone else like her. If we lived in the 70s she'd be a hippy :o) She's really into holistic therapies, tarot cards, angels, dreams, all things like that. And she always knows the right thing to say.
I decided to tell her about my BFN a few weeks ago and she sent me a lovely message. I asked her if I could put it on my blog as it might help others and she said yes, so here it is.
"I'm really sorry to hear that. I can't imagine how devastating that would be, after everything you've already been through. But remember, what doesn't kill you, makes you stronger. I know at times like this when everybody is trying to lift your spirits by saying "stay strong & positive, it will happen" it really doesn't make that empty feeling go away, but you really can't lose your faith..... these challenges are here for a reason & sometimes it's really bloody hard but you have to see the bigger picture, know & feel in your heart it will happen. The most perfect prayer is a thought of gratitude for the things we already have. I know at times it's hard keeping our faith but it's times like these when we need it most. I'm trying to give you a few words of wisdom, it might help or might not but either way, i'm thinking of you, sending loving, healing thoughts."
Next message:
"Glad to help, of course you can put it on your blog. I think you should wait til you're ready, it's like sometimes we can need something so bad that we push it further away from us... I think lots of yoga, meditation, eating very healthily, get yourself in a very positive place before you go there again maybe try some acupuncture, or reiki, even past life regression. I know it's easier said than done but try not to revolve your life around it.... I know it's going to happen for you guys, I dreamt it, it's going to be a big baby too, so maybe you might want to enjoy your nice tummy a bit longer lol....."
She's moving to New Zealand this Summer, so i really hope I can give her some good news before she goes :o)
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