An update on the last year!

I thought it was about time that I updated my blog as I haven't done for a year now!!
My last post left me about to go on honeymoon and getting ready to start a FET straight after. Here goes:

We had a wonderful honeymoon to Las Vegas and Hawaii. While we were in Vegas we got to meet up with @IVFLondonUK who was to be my cycle buddy, we both had plans to start a FET as soon as we got back from our trips. While we were in Hawaii I bought some cowry shells for me and @listerlady as they are meant to represent fertility, and I also got us a little Tiki keyring to symbolise happiness.

Once we were back, we went to the clinic to get started on our FET. Everything was done - scans, blood tests, consent forms - and then the nurse asked me when I last had a smear. It was in July the previous year and had been abnormal. I had been referred to the hospital to have a colposcopy in October. Everything had looked fine, but I was to have a repeat appointment in April. The FET was on hold until then.

I had the repeat colposcopy and again, everything looked fine. I asked the Doctor about when I could start my FET and he said I would have to have another smear test first, which he did. I was totally fed up with all the waiting and was getting upset. I was so ready for this! I had stopped taking the anti-depressants in January, I was feeling like a complete new person. It just wasn't fair.

Around the same time, my sister found out she was pregnant again. It was a complete shock for them as she had struggled to conceive before. When she told me, I did have a good cry, but for different reasons this time. I cried for the person I had been when my niece was born, for the way I behaved, for the way I felt. I cried because I had missed out on so much with her. I didn't ever want to be that person again or go back to that place.

Eventually I got the smear results through. It was showing signs of precancerous changes. I had to go for yet another colposcopy. In the first week of June I went for my appointment. I thought I was just having a colposcopy but in fact they removed part of my cervix where the cells were. I was quite in shock as they didn't tell me what would be happening in the procedure, it was only once I read the leaflet afterwards that I understood what they had done! I also had a biopsy done to check for cancer. I again asked how I now stood with my FET. I was told that I would have to have a checkup in October and I would also need another smear which couldn't be done before December. I was crushed. I was having my first ever cancer scare and on top of that, I probably wouldn't be able to have IVF until 2012, and that was only if my smears returned to normal.

During this time I had some good talks over email with @IVFLondonUK who had been through this before. She stressed the importance of my cervix being healthy and back to normal before I started IVF again. There was no point in getting pregnant if my cervix wasn't healed, it could jeopardise everything. Although the situation was hard, I knew she was right.

I then had an allergic reaction to the cream the hospital gave me to use, which brought me out in spots all over my upper body, and then I got an infection from the procedure so I had to go on anti-biotics! The hospital then left me waiting for 8 weeks to get my biopsy results so I had to put a complaint in - you can't leave someone that long wondering if they have cancer or not!!

So, knowing I couldn't start on the IVF that year, I decided to have a summer of fun! It was a whirlwind of weddings and hen dos and a trip to the races. I went to Ibiza for a long weekend on a hen do, and I had the absolute time of my life!! I also got a tattoo done in August. I had been thinking about it for a long time, I wanted a Chinese blossom design. I went for two blossoms - one for me and one for DH, and an unopened bud to represent my miscarriage. The idea is to add more flowers when I have children.

I went to see a medium in the beginning of September. My sister had been twice before and my mum had been once, and they had been completely freaked out. It had all been so accurate and things she had predicted had come true since. I previously had an appointment that had landed in the couple of days after my last ET and so I cancelled it as I thought it might be too upsetting. It was probably the right thing to do, as my IVF and miscarriage were mentioned to my mum and she told her that the baby I lost was a boy.
The medium has a year long waiting list and so I had been waiting a long time for this appointment!! I wasn't too impressed, some things were accurate, some not so much. The things that she did say were that my life is on hold until I have a baby. I won't change jobs or anything. I do really feel like that. I would have loved to have changed jobs ages ago but they are understanding about my IVF and I need the maternity pay! She told me I would have a baby soon and she knew about the IVF. She said I would have a three month break and then it would alll start happening around Christmas. This has completely tied in with getting the go-ahead after the smear and how my FET has fallen. So we'll see!

I had my follow up colposcopy in October and the Doctor was happy that he had removed all of the offending cells and that my cervix had healed nicely! He then gave me the go ahead for IVF yippee!! He took another smear test and said that even if it came back abnormal again, he would still be happy for me to proceed with IVF as the changes would be minimal.
I spoke to my clinic and she gave me two options of starting that month and have the transfer in November, or start in December and have the transfer in January. I chose the latter as the first option would have affected my uni course.

My smear results eventually came back completely clear!!!

Other things that happened in the back end of the year -

My best friend found out she was pregnant, she conceived on honeymoon!! Whilst I was very happy for her, she unfortunately told me on the anniversary of my miscarriage. She wasn't to know, but it led to lots and lots of tears. We talked it through and she was glad I was honest with her about my feelings. She also said I can plan the baby shower, seen as I am the party planning expert! I think DH took it hard at first, but he said that he is unable to feel anything other than happiness for them, they're our best friends!!

My nephew was born! Things are a lot better this time around. I can't say that I have completely bonded with him yet, but I have been spending a lot more time with my niece and that is going brilliantly. I actually can look back at pictures from her first year and I can't remember it. It just shows how disinterested in her I was. I feel utterly ashamed. Reading back my blog today was just like reading somebody else's. I just wasn't me.

So, a year on, where am I now? My next blog will pick up from my 30th birthday, where my FET journey began.
I feel a new person. I am ready and waiting for my FET, ready to take it by the horns and do this!! I am feeling a little pressure for it to work with my best friend being pregnant. She is always talking about us together in the future, when we are both pregnant and both have babies etc. But I think I have a good feeling about this...

Meltdown

So last Thursday I had a meltdown. I don't know where it came from, I don't know why or what brought it on. I was putting some washing away and i looked underneath the window and I thought 'I could just sit down there and have a really good cry'. And I did. And the tears didn't stop for hours. I thought about all of the IVF stuff and my miscarriage.

I was complaining to DF that no-one understood me and that everyone thinks I am OK now, but I'm obviously not. He said that the only way was to tell people how I am feeling. I went to work the next day with red puffy eyes. I sat and constructed an email throughout the morning, with tears in my eyes the whole time. This is what I sent to my mum, sister and 6 friends:

Hi
I've been through a lot over the last year with my IVF and I'm struggling to cope with it now. I needed to let you know that even though I seem OK on the outside and I say I'm alright, I'm not. I had a bit of a breakdown last night. I don’t know where it came from, or why it has taken so long to come out but it did in a big way. I cried and cried and cried, I think for the first time since I got my negative test result last month. And I couldn't stop. T didn't know what to do with me, he's not used to a blubbering mess! Even when I'd calmed down a bit, tears kept streaming for no reason and I really couldn’t stop. I think I've been bottling it all up for way too long now. I think I've not said anything before because I couldn't explain how I felt. All I knew was I felt really down all the time but I couldn't describe why. Then an IVF friend on the internet told me how she was feeling and it was perfect. She said she feels 'Bored, unmotivated, unsettled, irritable, infertile and fat. It's more than feeling down, it's feeling like I'm in limbo with no motivation to enjoy anything.' that's exactly how I'm feeling. And while it's good that I have people on the internet I can talk to who understand how I'm feeling, I can't keep living this double life of pretending everything's OK in real life but being honest on the internet. I said to t last night that no-one understands me and I think you all think I've got over everything and he said the only thing I could do was tell you. You can't understand how I'm feeling, I know that. even if you've had fertility problems or a miscarriage yourself, you can sympathise but you haven't had everything I've had to go through. You might think I'm being silly, there are people with worse problems in the world.to be honest, I've seen other ladies on the internet feeling like this and I haven't understood why until now. I just thought, why can't they get over it? I don't sit and think about what has happened to me and I don't sit thinking about why I'm not pregnant. It's just I feel like crap all of the time and I don't understand why. I feel like I'm living in my own little world. You know who you are - I'm sorry if I've not been in touch as much as I should've been or not been to see you, I'm sorry if I haven't replied to messages as quickly as I should've done, I'm sorry if I've annoyed you or upset you. maybe you can understand why now. I suppose this has been going on since the miscarriage in October / November. Although I felt OK afterwards, I don't think I was. the disappointment of this last IVF has just added to it. I thought I'd feel OK by now, but I don't. I think it has been made worse by seeing t struggle too. as you know, he normally bottles everything up but it is really getting to him too. I want to start IVF again next month but I don't think I'm ready yet. Hopefully with some support in the real world I might come round a bit. The last thing I want is to end up with full blown depression, so hopefully by admitting it all now I will prevent that. Sorry for rambling but I needed to get it off my chest

I cant believe the response i got from my friends. One friend immediately texted me, wanting to meet up and we had a really good talk that night. she said she had wondered how i was coping so well. My best friend was really apologetic, she hadn't known what to say to me (she got pregnant the first month they tried!!) and said it was easier to accept my first answer if i said i was OK. my mum had a bit of a go, asking why hadn't i talked to her before. i also had a long phone conversation with another of my oldest friends. i then had four wonderful emails back, which i will post in my next blog. if you're wondering why it doesn't add up, yes one friend has ignored me. i don't know why i sent it to her really.

The next day i felt a lot better for getting everything off my chest. we had already arranged to go over to my sister's and go to the Mamas and Papas outlet to get some last bits she needed. Maybe I shouldn't have gone. I was doing OK, until my nan started asking questions:

Nan: Have you rung the hospital to get your next appointment yet?
Me: No
N: I thought you were going soon?
M: No not yet
N: Well why?
M: I'm not doing too well Nan
N: Have the hospital said that?
M: No I've said that
N: Well what's wrong?
M: Nothing I'll tell you later
N: Well I want to know now
M: No I'm gonna cry
N: Well I want to know what's wrong with you!

And I just burst into tears in the middle of the shop and had to go running out. It was so embarrassing!! I was doing fine up until that point. After I had sat outside for a bit, I went back in and it was OK again. But I just wanted to go home. But we had to go for lunch, then back to her house to look at the nursery. On the way home, something really scary happened, I nearly fell asleep at the wheel at least three times. In the middle of the afternoon. I just knew then that I wasn't right. I got home to find DF's friend there with a bunch of flowers (he had got the email) and an invite to his villa in Spain. So we are off in 3 weeks time. He has been the one that has surprised me the most. I got two long emails from him, the flowers, the holiday, on Sunday he cooked us our lunch and then we sat and watched DVDs all afternoon. Just the perfect distraction.

I went to work on Monday and found that I had made lots of mistakes on Friday. I just couldn't concentrate either. I went to have a word with my boss and she was great as usual. Both mums had told me to go the doctors and so I went yesterday. I didn't want to cry but of course i did straight away!! She seemed quite surprised that I had done 2 IVFs in a year. I know we all do it, but maybe it is too much for us? She also said that she believes we should be given counselling BEFORE an IVF so that we are fully aware of what it entails.

She said that i could either be suffering from a kind of grief from all of this, or mental exhaustion. She signed me off work for 2 weeks and I have to go see her again at the end of it. If I am better by then, then it was just exhaustion. If not, then it is a deeper rooted problem and it will need to be looked at further. I think the mental exhaustion sounds about right. In the past year I've had an abandoned IVF, an IVF, OHSS, a miscarriage, a failed FET, along with full-time work, college 2 nights a week plus study at weekends, my sister being pregnant, issues with a good friend, dog training classes, poorly grandparents. The list just goes on. No wonder this has happened to me.