An update on the last year!

I thought it was about time that I updated my blog as I haven't done for a year now!!
My last post left me about to go on honeymoon and getting ready to start a FET straight after. Here goes:

We had a wonderful honeymoon to Las Vegas and Hawaii. While we were in Vegas we got to meet up with @IVFLondonUK who was to be my cycle buddy, we both had plans to start a FET as soon as we got back from our trips. While we were in Hawaii I bought some cowry shells for me and @listerlady as they are meant to represent fertility, and I also got us a little Tiki keyring to symbolise happiness.

Once we were back, we went to the clinic to get started on our FET. Everything was done - scans, blood tests, consent forms - and then the nurse asked me when I last had a smear. It was in July the previous year and had been abnormal. I had been referred to the hospital to have a colposcopy in October. Everything had looked fine, but I was to have a repeat appointment in April. The FET was on hold until then.

I had the repeat colposcopy and again, everything looked fine. I asked the Doctor about when I could start my FET and he said I would have to have another smear test first, which he did. I was totally fed up with all the waiting and was getting upset. I was so ready for this! I had stopped taking the anti-depressants in January, I was feeling like a complete new person. It just wasn't fair.

Around the same time, my sister found out she was pregnant again. It was a complete shock for them as she had struggled to conceive before. When she told me, I did have a good cry, but for different reasons this time. I cried for the person I had been when my niece was born, for the way I behaved, for the way I felt. I cried because I had missed out on so much with her. I didn't ever want to be that person again or go back to that place.

Eventually I got the smear results through. It was showing signs of precancerous changes. I had to go for yet another colposcopy. In the first week of June I went for my appointment. I thought I was just having a colposcopy but in fact they removed part of my cervix where the cells were. I was quite in shock as they didn't tell me what would be happening in the procedure, it was only once I read the leaflet afterwards that I understood what they had done! I also had a biopsy done to check for cancer. I again asked how I now stood with my FET. I was told that I would have to have a checkup in October and I would also need another smear which couldn't be done before December. I was crushed. I was having my first ever cancer scare and on top of that, I probably wouldn't be able to have IVF until 2012, and that was only if my smears returned to normal.

During this time I had some good talks over email with @IVFLondonUK who had been through this before. She stressed the importance of my cervix being healthy and back to normal before I started IVF again. There was no point in getting pregnant if my cervix wasn't healed, it could jeopardise everything. Although the situation was hard, I knew she was right.

I then had an allergic reaction to the cream the hospital gave me to use, which brought me out in spots all over my upper body, and then I got an infection from the procedure so I had to go on anti-biotics! The hospital then left me waiting for 8 weeks to get my biopsy results so I had to put a complaint in - you can't leave someone that long wondering if they have cancer or not!!

So, knowing I couldn't start on the IVF that year, I decided to have a summer of fun! It was a whirlwind of weddings and hen dos and a trip to the races. I went to Ibiza for a long weekend on a hen do, and I had the absolute time of my life!! I also got a tattoo done in August. I had been thinking about it for a long time, I wanted a Chinese blossom design. I went for two blossoms - one for me and one for DH, and an unopened bud to represent my miscarriage. The idea is to add more flowers when I have children.

I went to see a medium in the beginning of September. My sister had been twice before and my mum had been once, and they had been completely freaked out. It had all been so accurate and things she had predicted had come true since. I previously had an appointment that had landed in the couple of days after my last ET and so I cancelled it as I thought it might be too upsetting. It was probably the right thing to do, as my IVF and miscarriage were mentioned to my mum and she told her that the baby I lost was a boy.
The medium has a year long waiting list and so I had been waiting a long time for this appointment!! I wasn't too impressed, some things were accurate, some not so much. The things that she did say were that my life is on hold until I have a baby. I won't change jobs or anything. I do really feel like that. I would have loved to have changed jobs ages ago but they are understanding about my IVF and I need the maternity pay! She told me I would have a baby soon and she knew about the IVF. She said I would have a three month break and then it would alll start happening around Christmas. This has completely tied in with getting the go-ahead after the smear and how my FET has fallen. So we'll see!

I had my follow up colposcopy in October and the Doctor was happy that he had removed all of the offending cells and that my cervix had healed nicely! He then gave me the go ahead for IVF yippee!! He took another smear test and said that even if it came back abnormal again, he would still be happy for me to proceed with IVF as the changes would be minimal.
I spoke to my clinic and she gave me two options of starting that month and have the transfer in November, or start in December and have the transfer in January. I chose the latter as the first option would have affected my uni course.

My smear results eventually came back completely clear!!!

Other things that happened in the back end of the year -

My best friend found out she was pregnant, she conceived on honeymoon!! Whilst I was very happy for her, she unfortunately told me on the anniversary of my miscarriage. She wasn't to know, but it led to lots and lots of tears. We talked it through and she was glad I was honest with her about my feelings. She also said I can plan the baby shower, seen as I am the party planning expert! I think DH took it hard at first, but he said that he is unable to feel anything other than happiness for them, they're our best friends!!

My nephew was born! Things are a lot better this time around. I can't say that I have completely bonded with him yet, but I have been spending a lot more time with my niece and that is going brilliantly. I actually can look back at pictures from her first year and I can't remember it. It just shows how disinterested in her I was. I feel utterly ashamed. Reading back my blog today was just like reading somebody else's. I just wasn't me.

So, a year on, where am I now? My next blog will pick up from my 30th birthday, where my FET journey began.
I feel a new person. I am ready and waiting for my FET, ready to take it by the horns and do this!! I am feeling a little pressure for it to work with my best friend being pregnant. She is always talking about us together in the future, when we are both pregnant and both have babies etc. But I think I have a good feeling about this...