Thursday, 18 March 2010

Infected by the Bitter Bug

I've never been jealous of other people's pregnancies. Even with TTC for this long, it's never been an issue. Whenever I hear an announcement, I feel genuine happiness for the couple. Not anymore. I'm becoming one of those bitter women. And it's happened to DF too...

If ever I've felt sad, or had a tiny moan about someone getting pregnant really quickly, DF has always said that it will be our turn soon and that everything happens for a reason. But then I got a text from him tonight at college. Here is the conversation:

DF: We need to get a card for H & M. She's pregnant!

Me: You don't buy a card when someone is pregnant

DF: What do you buy then?

Me: You don't buy anything it's bad luck. If she has a baby shower then you can then. How far gone is she?

DF: She found out and told family on Saturday. I'm supposed to keep it quiet too.

Me: So only a few weeks then?

DF: Possibly. Wasn't really that pleased for them. Probably a bit harsh. Asked if they'd been trying. Not really was the answer!

Me: Thank goodness cos I feel the same. Never been bitter at other people's pregnancies but nearly cried when you texted me. It's just not fair :o(

I can't believe he felt like that. It's never bothered him before. When we spoke after college, he said he felt bad for thinking like that and he didn't really congratulate them, so he feels awful now. And they're really happy so what can we do?

Things are starting to affect me now. I'm getting sucked into the IVF emotional rollercoaster. I had a tough weekend. On Saturday I read a Facebook status of a pregnant friend moaning that she couldn't drink and was counting down the weeks til she could. It really upset me as I was going out with my friend that night, drinking for the first time in months. I didn't want to. I'd have given anything to be having a reason not to drink. I really really wanted to comment on her status, either to say 'I'll trade places with you' or 'You don't know how lucky you are'. But I know I couldn't as I work with her boyfriend and I didn't want to be gossiped about at work.

I got home from my friend's house on Sunday morning and DF was still in bed so we lazed around all morning. I was on Facebook and everyone was leaving Mother's Day messages, all about how much they love their kids etc. I mean it's lovely but it really got to me and I cried.

We went out for the rest of the day and then me and DF had a tiny disagreement and I completely lost it with him. We had a huge argument. I cried and cried and cried. I really needed to let it all out. Afterwards we had a really good talk and so in a way I was glad we'd argued!!

I told him that he'd had a pretty easy ride with me. I've only been getting PMT for the past two years and even then it's only for a day. I sailed through the first cycle of IVF with no problems whatsoever. I had no moodswings, nothing. I did all the injections and appointments myself, he didn't have to do or put up with anything. With the miscarriage, I just forced myself to get on with it. We never really talked about it or how we felt about it. I've done the FET again with no problems. And now I've failed, it's all becoming too much to keep inside. I can't do it by myself anymore. I need him.

I hope that you are not thinking that he is uncaring or unsupportive. It's not that at all. He has a lot of issues that stem back to his childhood, and so he deals with things in his own way, by himself, and he admitted that he expects others to do the same. He's not one for talking about his problems but he said that he is getting upset with everything too. It was a major breakthrough for him to talk about his feelings like that. He said that he will try to be there for me more, and there's been an improvement already.

If there is anything good to come out of this IVF process so far, it has been that it has brought us closer together. During the first cycle, he was a completely new person. He was so caring and lovely. I remember texting my friend telling her how amazing he was being. I always knew that that person was hiding inside his tough exterior, and I'm glad that I was proven right. It's also making me realise that he is hurting too from this. Because of the way he deals with things, it's easy to forget how he is feeling. I've definitely made an effort this week to watch out for him too.

I really hope that things improve soon, and together I think we can get there. It still has been less than two weeks since my BFN, I can't expect to feel better overnight. But then this is me, I'm not used to feeling so down all the time or letting things affect me. I'm still very scared of doing another cycle. But for now, I must try to be happy for other people. I WILL NOT BE BITTER ANYMORE!!!

Wednesday, 10 March 2010


First I'd like to say a big thank you to all of my Twitter friends who have sent me thoughtful messages over the last few days. We told barely anyone this time, so it was nice to know so many people were thinking of me.

The day started off just fine. I went for the bloodtest and then we set off to the beach. We had a lovely long walk on the sandy beach and then we went for some lunch. I started to get a little agitated as the nurse said she would ring around lunchtime. We then did something really funny. We drove to the other beach in the town and parked the car. DF said he was really tired and could just go to sleep. So I said, well we'll just have a little nap then. And so we did, just like all the old couples I've seen so many times at the beach :o) We then went for a walk on the shingles beach, where I eventually got my phone call.

The nurse rang and she sounded so cheery, I just had an instant smile on my face. DF was stood with me, but then our dog ran after another so he walked away to watch him. But her cheery voice then said she had some bad news. My beta score was 4. Not an absolute negative, but the levels were probably to do with my tablets and pessaries. She told me to stop taking them and then AF will come. After AF has finished I will have to go for another blood test to check that the HCG level has dropped below 2, which is a definite negative. She then said we could discuss the next steps, but she didn't go into detail at all, so I'm unsure how long I'll have to wait.

I finished on the phone as DF was just walking back to me. I just shook my head at him, and he said 'Stop messing around' with a huge grin on his face. Well, my face just crumpled and I burst into tears. We stood on the beach hugging with me crying and crying. Luckily there wasn't anyone about. I managed not to cry too much as I knew we would have to walk back to the car and past people. I knew I couldn't speak to anyone so I started to text my mum and sister, but somehow my phone turned into Chinese. There was nearly a smashed iPhone on the rocks.

We got back to the car and I just had tears streaming down my face the whole way home. I already had in the back of my mind that if it didn't work I would start going running. In my daze I asked DF if he would take me shopping at the weekend to buy some new trainers, I wanted to get those Nike ones that you hook up to your iPod to monitor your running. We were going past a shopping centre and so we decided to stop off. I have no idea why, I was in such a state. We had a quick wander round and they didn't have the trainers anyway. But he bought me a nice bright hoody to go running in while it's still quite cold.

When we got home, we stopped off at the supermarket, and again, I just wandered round in a complete other world. We got the things we needed and then finally went home. I went straight up to bed and just let it all pour out. I cried and cried and cried, so much so that my stomach hurt. I cried so hard, but it needed to come out. DF came up after a bit and we just lay on the bed for ages cuddled up. We went back downstairs eventually, but we both fell asleep on the sofa pretty quickly. We were just exhausted.

I didn't expect to feel like this. I thought I'd be OK if it was negative, but obviously not. It hit me a million times harder than what I thought it would. The only way I can describe how it was, is that it was like someone had died. I felt that depressed and upset. It was real grief. I don't remember feeling like this after my miscarriage. Of course I was upset, but I think I just forced myself to get on with it. This has all been completely new to me.

I don't know how I feel about trying again. I asked DF what we were going to do now, and he said 'We'll just have to try again'. I felt shocked for some reason. I just couldn't contemplate the thought of going through this again. I'm sure I'll come round eventually, but right now I'm just not so sure.

My problem is that I thought it had worked. After my first IVF there were things I knew I wanted to do differently this time, and I did. I did everything by the book and I thought I had a much better chance this time. I had symptoms, very real symptoms. Where these came from, I don't know. Maybe it was the tablets or the pessaries. In my What to Expect book, it lists the following symptoms for weeks 3 and 4 (the 2ww) -
  • Implantation bleeding - Less than 30% of women get this, so I wasn't too bothered that I didn't
  • Breast changes - mine definitely grew, they were much fuller and I was getting red marks from my bras
  • Bloating & flatulence - yes to both!
  • Fatigue, lack of energy, sleepiness - I was tired just from walking up the stairs! But also tired all the time
  • More frequent urination - can't really tell as I doubled my water intake
  • Beginnings of nausea - yes, a few times
  • Increased sensitivity to smells - definitely had this one!

So what else was I supposed to think, other than that I was pregnant?! Everyone was rooting for me, and also so sure that it was going to work. I texted my sister when I got the results, simply saying it hadn't worked. She told me last night that she thought it was a joke, and that I would ring back with the good news. And when i didn't, she cried too.

I wouldn't say I had the whole year planned out, but I'd thought about lots of things this year while I would be pregnant. We are going to a few weddings and I had thought that I would get a really beautiful maternity dress to wear. I had planned about how long I was going to stay at the hen nights because I would want to be going home early. I was looking forward to leaving work. I was thinking how lovely it would be to have the baby arrive before Christmas. And I would also be fulfilling my wish of having my first child before (or when) I was 28. None of those things are going to happen now how I had envisaged.

I'm just not sure I can go through the 2ww again. The actual FET process is fine, I can do it again no problem. But the emotions of the 2ww? I just don't know. I HAVE to do something different this time. I think a holiday is the only way round it, but I will have to think more carefully nearer the time. I got too stressed out and worried this time.

People have said to me, don't blame yourself for this. There's nothing else you could've done. I know they're right, but I have to feel like I'm doing everything I can. The only thing I can do next time is to be more fit and healthy. So my goal is now to get rid of this extra stone (14lb) that I've been carrying around and moaning about for the past year and do some proper exercise. I'm pretty unfit, so I'm going to go running with my doggy and eat perfectly and shift it once and for all. I can't do anything more. It might not even help the FET but at least I will have tried. This will be our last free FET cycle, so I have to have the best shot at it. If anything, at least I will feel better about myself if I shift the weight.

I'm so glad that we didn't really tell anyone. I couldn't have coped with having to tell everyone the bad news. It was bad enough with just the few we did have to tell. I will definitely be doing that again next time.

So all I can do is take things slowly, and hopefully soon I will feel ready to get on the rollercoaster again with 2 of my 9 remaining frosties xx

Thursday, 4 March 2010

FET Day 39 - Going crazy

Here I am at Day 39 of my FET, 10 days post embryo transfer. And I'm going slowly crazy...
I can't remember having any symptoms at this point last time, but I was still quite poorly from the OHSS. The only pregnancy symptoms I got last time came after the 2ww. This time has been completely different as I've been healthy, and so I have noticed every single little twinge.
A couple of months ago I bought The What to Expect Pregnancy Journal & Organizer and I've been dying to fill it in ever since! I started filling it in last week, albeit in pencil. Who would ever fill in Week 3 in pen, being completely confident they were pregnant? And why are there even week 1 and 2 pages?! So the symptoms/feelings I've written down are as follows:

Day 1 - Tired, excited
Day 2 - Bad stomach ache
Day 3 - Bad stomach ache, wind
Day 4 - Stomach slightly better, uptight, stressed
Day 5 - Very good sense of smell, very bloated, stressed, stress pains
Day 6 - Tired, tense stomach, bloated
Day 7 - Exhausted, nausea in the evening
Day 8 - Tired, strong sense of smell, slightly crampy, slight nausea
Day 9 - Stabby pains in the ovary, very down
Day 10 - Still a bit down, stressed, very bad nausea in the morning

I'd like to think from all of this that I am in fact pregnant. If I'm not, then I think my body has been playing a very cruel trick on me. So there, I've said it, I think I'm pregnant. But I don't understand why I can't feel excited. I don't think I dare to get my hopes up. Tomorrow is my last day at work before the big test day, so hopefully time will go a bit quicker, and an enjoyable weekend will hopefully take my mind off things. I can't think of anything else. My mind is completely overtaken by thoughts of the possible pregnancy. Every single minute, it's all I can think about. Work is not distracting me, college is not distracting me. It's sending me crazy.

I was thinking today, if I ever have to go through this again (which I probably will, as we'd like more than 1 child eventually), it might be an idea to go on holiday immediately after the transfer for the whole 2ww. Just to relax on the beach, and try to have a nice time. But then there's no point as you can't go in the pool or the sea. So then I thought about a spa break, but again, no swimming, no sauna, no jacuzzi. So a yoga retreat or something similar? Probably too much exercise. So I don't think there's actually anything you can do during the 2ww other than just sit at home and wait it out. Great.

So only 4 more sleeps until I can find out once and for all. We're taking doggy to the beach on Monday after the blood test and plan to have a nice day whilst waiting for the results. I don't know how I'm going to cope over the next few days! Thank you everyone for your kind and supportive tweets and for your prayers. You're all a lot more confident that it'll work than me!