Wednesday, 21 April 2010

My awesome friends

Response No 1

I bet it does become a real burden after a while. When I went to see Tony Robbins in London a couple of years ago, we had to start each day by thinking about all the things that are good, such as...
- waking up healthy each day and being able to see and hear the world around us
- having family and friends around us that care about us
- being able to afford luxuries in life such as keeping warm, comfortable and well fed
Those were strange things to think of at the time, but I try and do it each night when I go to bed and it does make you feel better. There's a particularly nice quote from Dale Carnegie...
"I had the blues because I had no shoes,Until upon the street, I met a man who had no feet."
Don't worry about it though Fi. Eventually it will happen and probably at the most unexpected time.
You do well to put it all into words. And don't worry about crying - once its spilled over it can go elsewhere and not drag you down each day. Also telling people does help because it helps people support you in the way you need, rather than them guessing what's wrong. I wish I could have told myself all this jargon too years ago when I felt the same because the business wasn't working out. At the time though you're so engrossed in it all you don't think straight. In the meantime, keep exercising because it releases endorphines into the bloodstream that take away that down feeling! God I sound like an agony aunt...

Response No 2

I guarantee you non of us think you're being silly, so you can forget that one right away. I've just balled my eyes out reading that and really really wish i was there with you just to give you a huge hug and tell you it WILL be ok, maybe not right away but it will be. You've done the best thing you can by telling us all, now we can help you and i'm sure all of us will say just call or come round anytime for a chat even if you don't want a chat but just want company we're all here for you (yeah i know i'm miles away but others aren't - and the kettles always on).Sweetie, i so wish you'd said something, what you're feeling is, i'm sure, completely normal - you said yourself others explained how you feel perfectly.I can only imagine what you've been through, it must be hell and to have all those emotions and thoughts running through your head all the time i'm not at all surprised you cried and cried. love you loads, big hugs

Response No 3

Wow honey!!! My heads gone all fuzzy... was alot to take in. I can feel the emotion you put into that, was very strong. Let it all out, let it go, now it has room to heal. You always seem be so strong & together, but its ok not to be, its normal!! Its ok to admit your not coping very wel. If only we all had the courage to admit it, when we felt like that, thats half the battle admiting it to ourselves, it takes soo much more courage admiting it to your loved ones. Babes im sending you soo much love & healing... you will get there, I know you will. Am really proud of you for opening up... things can only get better... lots of love

Response No 4

hav been pondering over your mail all eve and havent got anywhere with it other than go around and around in circles.i dont know what to say, there is nothing i can say, i dont know how your feeling and everyone feels things differently and i havent gone through what you have been through. all i can do is repeat what i said to you the other week and that was that theres no reason for it not to work other than the unfortunate statistics that havent gone in your favour so far. But it will work eventually theres just no clue of when it will happen which is half the have to be strong and positive and battle on through it because its the only thing that you can do. and when it does happen it will be all the more special and wonderful and you will be all the more ready and the meantime theres no good bottling it up- u need to go to the doctors and tell them what you told us. you can see a councellor straight away and they might give you something else too as maybe all the drugs have knocked you sideways a little. You cant concider going for it again until you have got yourself sorted first. keep yourself out and about to get your mind off it and cheer u up. and dont forget to talk to me and mum when u need toxxxxxxlove u loadsxxxxxx

It's making me cry reading them again!!!


So last Thursday I had a meltdown. I don't know where it came from, I don't know why or what brought it on. I was putting some washing away and i looked underneath the window and I thought 'I could just sit down there and have a really good cry'. And I did. And the tears didn't stop for hours. I thought about all of the IVF stuff and my miscarriage.

I was complaining to DF that no-one understood me and that everyone thinks I am OK now, but I'm obviously not. He said that the only way was to tell people how I am feeling. I went to work the next day with red puffy eyes. I sat and constructed an email throughout the morning, with tears in my eyes the whole time. This is what I sent to my mum, sister and 6 friends:

I've been through a lot over the last year with my IVF and I'm struggling to cope with it now. I needed to let you know that even though I seem OK on the outside and I say I'm alright, I'm not. I had a bit of a breakdown last night. I don’t know where it came from, or why it has taken so long to come out but it did in a big way. I cried and cried and cried, I think for the first time since I got my negative test result last month. And I couldn't stop. T didn't know what to do with me, he's not used to a blubbering mess! Even when I'd calmed down a bit, tears kept streaming for no reason and I really couldn’t stop. I think I've been bottling it all up for way too long now. I think I've not said anything before because I couldn't explain how I felt. All I knew was I felt really down all the time but I couldn't describe why. Then an IVF friend on the internet told me how she was feeling and it was perfect. She said she feels 'Bored, unmotivated, unsettled, irritable, infertile and fat. It's more than feeling down, it's feeling like I'm in limbo with no motivation to enjoy anything.' that's exactly how I'm feeling. And while it's good that I have people on the internet I can talk to who understand how I'm feeling, I can't keep living this double life of pretending everything's OK in real life but being honest on the internet. I said to t last night that no-one understands me and I think you all think I've got over everything and he said the only thing I could do was tell you. You can't understand how I'm feeling, I know that. even if you've had fertility problems or a miscarriage yourself, you can sympathise but you haven't had everything I've had to go through. You might think I'm being silly, there are people with worse problems in the be honest, I've seen other ladies on the internet feeling like this and I haven't understood why until now. I just thought, why can't they get over it? I don't sit and think about what has happened to me and I don't sit thinking about why I'm not pregnant. It's just I feel like crap all of the time and I don't understand why. I feel like I'm living in my own little world. You know who you are - I'm sorry if I've not been in touch as much as I should've been or not been to see you, I'm sorry if I haven't replied to messages as quickly as I should've done, I'm sorry if I've annoyed you or upset you. maybe you can understand why now. I suppose this has been going on since the miscarriage in October / November. Although I felt OK afterwards, I don't think I was. the disappointment of this last IVF has just added to it. I thought I'd feel OK by now, but I don't. I think it has been made worse by seeing t struggle too. as you know, he normally bottles everything up but it is really getting to him too. I want to start IVF again next month but I don't think I'm ready yet. Hopefully with some support in the real world I might come round a bit. The last thing I want is to end up with full blown depression, so hopefully by admitting it all now I will prevent that. Sorry for rambling but I needed to get it off my chest

I cant believe the response i got from my friends. One friend immediately texted me, wanting to meet up and we had a really good talk that night. she said she had wondered how i was coping so well. My best friend was really apologetic, she hadn't known what to say to me (she got pregnant the first month they tried!!) and said it was easier to accept my first answer if i said i was OK. my mum had a bit of a go, asking why hadn't i talked to her before. i also had a long phone conversation with another of my oldest friends. i then had four wonderful emails back, which i will post in my next blog. if you're wondering why it doesn't add up, yes one friend has ignored me. i don't know why i sent it to her really.

The next day i felt a lot better for getting everything off my chest. we had already arranged to go over to my sister's and go to the Mamas and Papas outlet to get some last bits she needed. Maybe I shouldn't have gone. I was doing OK, until my nan started asking questions:

Nan: Have you rung the hospital to get your next appointment yet?
Me: No
N: I thought you were going soon?
M: No not yet
N: Well why?
M: I'm not doing too well Nan
N: Have the hospital said that?
M: No I've said that
N: Well what's wrong?
M: Nothing I'll tell you later
N: Well I want to know now
M: No I'm gonna cry
N: Well I want to know what's wrong with you!

And I just burst into tears in the middle of the shop and had to go running out. It was so embarrassing!! I was doing fine up until that point. After I had sat outside for a bit, I went back in and it was OK again. But I just wanted to go home. But we had to go for lunch, then back to her house to look at the nursery. On the way home, something really scary happened, I nearly fell asleep at the wheel at least three times. In the middle of the afternoon. I just knew then that I wasn't right. I got home to find DF's friend there with a bunch of flowers (he had got the email) and an invite to his villa in Spain. So we are off in 3 weeks time. He has been the one that has surprised me the most. I got two long emails from him, the flowers, the holiday, on Sunday he cooked us our lunch and then we sat and watched DVDs all afternoon. Just the perfect distraction.

I went to work on Monday and found that I had made lots of mistakes on Friday. I just couldn't concentrate either. I went to have a word with my boss and she was great as usual. Both mums had told me to go the doctors and so I went yesterday. I didn't want to cry but of course i did straight away!! She seemed quite surprised that I had done 2 IVFs in a year. I know we all do it, but maybe it is too much for us? She also said that she believes we should be given counselling BEFORE an IVF so that we are fully aware of what it entails.

She said that i could either be suffering from a kind of grief from all of this, or mental exhaustion. She signed me off work for 2 weeks and I have to go see her again at the end of it. If I am better by then, then it was just exhaustion. If not, then it is a deeper rooted problem and it will need to be looked at further. I think the mental exhaustion sounds about right. In the past year I've had an abandoned IVF, an IVF, OHSS, a miscarriage, a failed FET, along with full-time work, college 2 nights a week plus study at weekends, my sister being pregnant, issues with a good friend, dog training classes, poorly grandparents. The list just goes on. No wonder this has happened to me.

Friday, 9 April 2010

99 things about me

I've been meaning to do this post for ages, but never got round to it! Copy the blog into yours and bold the ones you have done!

1. Started your own blog - Yes, but I don't have many followers!! And I don't know how to make it look nice :o(
2. Slept under the stars - Does in a tent count?
3. Played in a band
4. Visited Hawaii - No but it is going to be our honeymoon destination
5. Watched a meteor shower
6. Given more than you can afford to charity
7. Been to DisneyWorld - I've been to DisneyLand Paris if that counts
8. Climbed a mountain
9. Held a praying mantis
10. Sang a solo - Once when I was 10 and auditioning for the pantomime. I don't sing in public now!!
11. Bungee jumped
12. Visited Paris - Yes 3 times
13. Watched a lightning storm
14. Taught yourself an art from scratch
15. Adopted a child
16. Had food poisoning - Eugh yes from a Chinese takeaway
17. Walked to the top of the Statue of Liberty - No but I'd like to!
18. Grown your own vegetables - Erm cress is about as far as I've got!
19. Seen the Mona Lisa in France - Yes twice, I never realised it was so small!
20. Slept on an overnight train
21. Had a pillow fight
22. Hitch hiked
23. Taken a sick day when you’re not ill
24. Built a snow fort - No but I went in a cool igloo a few months ago!
25. Held a lamb - I think I have but not sure. My auntie used to go out with a farmer!
26. Gone skinny dipping
27. Run a Marathon - I can't run for 30 seconds...
28. Ridden in a gondola in Venice
29. Seen a total eclipse - Yes we had to wear these weird glasses!
30. Watched a sunrise or sunset - Nothing beats an Ibiza sunset
31. Hit a home run - I don't do sports
32. Been on a cruise - I'd like to
33. Seen Niagara Falls in person - I'd like to
34. Visited the birthplace of your ancestors
35. Seen an Amish community
36. Taught yourself a new language - Never taught myself one, only at school
37. Had enough money to be truly satisfied
38. Seen the Leaning Tower of Pisa in person - Would love to go to Italy
39. Gone rock climbing
40. Seen Michelangelo’s David - Where is it?!
41. Sung karaoke - Never, I can't sing!!
42. Seen Old Faithful geyser erupt
43. Bought a stranger a meal at a restaurant - Why would I do that?
44. Visited Africa
45. Walked on a beach by moonlight
46. Been transported in an ambulance - Twice, both with ankle injuries!
47. Had your portrait painted
48. Gone deep sea fishing
50. Been to the top of the Eiffel Tower in Paris
51. Gone scuba diving or snorkeling
52. Kissed in the rain
53. Played in the mud
54. Gone to a drive-in theater
55. Been in a movie
56. Visited the Great Wall of China
57. Started a business
58. Taken a martial arts class - Well, a judo class at school!
59. Visited Russia
60. Served at a soup kitchen
61. Sold Girl Scout Cookies
62. Gone whale watching
63. Got flowers for no reason - I don't get flowers very often!
64. Donated blood, platelets or plasma - I want to give blood again but can't for 6 month's after acupuncture!
65. Gone sky diving
66. Visited a Nazi Concentration Camp
67. Bounced a check - in my youth when I was a bad money-manager
68. Flown in a helicopter
69. Saved a favorite childhood toy - I have lots at my mums and some in my garage
70. Visited the Lincoln Memorial
71. Eaten Caviar
72. Pieced a quilt
73. Stood in Times Square
74. Toured the Everglades
75. Been fired from a job
76. Seen the Changing of the Guards in London - I might have done, I can't remember!
77. Broken a bone - My ankle extremely badly!
78. Been a passenger on a motorcycle - Only on a moped, that was bad enough!!
79. Seen the Grand Canyon in person - No but I've seen DF's millions of pictures
80. Published a book
81. Visited the Vatican
82. Bought a brand new car - My first car was brand new
83. Walked in Jerusalem
84. Had your picture in the newspaper - When I was younger
85. Kissed a stranger at midnight on New Year’s Eve
86. Visited the White House
87. Killed and prepared an animal for eating
88. Had chickenpox
89. Saved someone’s life
90. Sat on a jury
91. Met someone famous - Judge Jules is as famous as it gets. Now that was a good night!
92. Joined a book club
93. Got a tattoo - I keep toying with the idea
94. Had a baby - Soon please!!
95. Seen the Alamo in person - What's that?
96. Swam in the Great Salt Lake
97. Been involved in a law suit
98. Owned a cell phone - Lots over the years. But mobile phones, not cells ;o)
99. Been stung by a bee

Tuesday, 6 April 2010

Words of wisdom

I have a really good friend L. We met as she was going out with DF's friend (the one who introduced us). We never really got on, but after a few years they split up but we kept in touch. For some reason, we got on a million times better without our boyfriends there! We had some really good fun and crazy times together, but then she decided to go travelling. She has now moved back to the UK with her husband, but they live in Scotland so we rarely see each other. Facebook has been brilliant for keeping in touch, and so she has been kept up to date throughout my IVF journey.

She is a really spiritual person. I don't know anyone else like her. If we lived in the 70s she'd be a hippy :o) She's really into holistic therapies, tarot cards, angels, dreams, all things like that. And she always knows the right thing to say.

I decided to tell her about my BFN a few weeks ago and she sent me a lovely message. I asked her if I could put it on my blog as it might help others and she said yes, so here it is.

"I'm really sorry to hear that. I can't imagine how devastating that would be, after everything you've already been through. But remember, what doesn't kill you, makes you stronger. I know at times like this when everybody is trying to lift your spirits by saying "stay strong & positive, it will happen" it really doesn't make that empty feeling go away, but you really can't lose your faith..... these challenges are here for a reason & sometimes it's really bloody hard but you have to see the bigger picture, know & feel in your heart it will happen. The most perfect prayer is a thought of gratitude for the things we already have. I know at times it's hard keeping our faith but it's times like these when we need it most. I'm trying to give you a few words of wisdom, it might help or might not but either way, i'm thinking of you, sending loving, healing thoughts."

Next message:

"Glad to help, of course you can put it on your blog. I think you should wait til you're ready, it's like sometimes we can need something so bad that we push it further away from us... I think lots of yoga, meditation, eating very healthily, get yourself in a very positive place before you go there again maybe try some acupuncture, or reiki, even past life regression. I know it's easier said than done but try not to revolve your life around it.... I know it's going to happen for you guys, I dreamt it, it's going to be a big baby too, so maybe you might want to enjoy your nice tummy a bit longer lol....."

She's moving to New Zealand this Summer, so i really hope I can give her some good news before she goes :o)

Saturday, 3 April 2010


Last Friday I went to the hospital to have another beta test done to check that the levels had gone back below 2, which is a negative. As I was driving up to the hospital, it came into view and I just felt a jolt in my stomach. I didn't want to go. I sat on the bed waiting for the nurse to take my blood and all I could think of was that I really didn't want to be there.

It was a really brief appointment. She said we can try again as soon as I've had another AF. If AF doesn't come (this happened last time), I just have to wait until I have missed one and then we can start. I'm due this week coming, so anytime after next week is OK. But I'm not ready for that yet.

I have still felt really down for most of the week. I have been getting really fed up with it all. I don't ever let things get to me too much, so it's all really strange. When I'd read on Twitter about ladies getting BFNs and then being really down about it, I just didn't understand, and I didn't know why they let it affect them so much. Now I completely understand and I'm sorry for ever thinking that way about other people.

The last couple of days, I feel to have turned a tiny corner. I have decided to take some advice from my best Twitter bud @vhl_pgd_girl and think 'Positive Positive Positive' everytime a negative thought enters my head. I even survived a trip to Babies R Us yesterday!

Last night we went out for a meal and we discussed when to try again. I can't start straight away. I mean I'm not ready anyway, but my supervisor has just started IVF and we can't both be having time off for appointments and then the ET together. It's hard enough trying to hide it from our colleagues as it is. I have decided to work it around my exams. I have my final two exams in the 3rd week of June and so we are going to schedule it so that the ET would be the week after. We could obviously do it earlier than this, but if I get a BFN again before my exams, I just can't go into a depression again and let it affect them. Not after all this hard work. So I am going to speak to the hospital and start the process in the middle of May, as it took 6 weeks last time. This sounds like a long way off, but I'm sure the time will fly by. My sister is due in the middle of June, so it also works out that I will be able to spend lots of time with my new niece after the ET.

DF then brought up the subject of our wedding! Very odd... He said he feels like he just wants us to go away and do it, but that our families would be too upset. He said that he wants to get married abroad, as he just can't justify the expense of a wedding here. I agree with him in some ways, but my intention is to do it cheaply anyway. My sister had a wonderful wedding and only spent £6000. I could do it the same, and because we are getting married in winter, we can make huge savings on things like cars and photographers.

He didn't seem to be buying this anyway. My argument on getting married abroad is that not everyone will be able to or afford to come. And you still need a big party when you get back. Plus I would really like to get married in church. He agreed to my suggestion of a blessing in church when we got back, but it's still another expense.

I'm hoping he goes off the idea anyway. My dream wedding is a winter wonderland. I have it all sorted in my head, from the colour scheme, to the outfits, to the food and music played. To get married abroad is sacrificing everything I ever wanted from my wedding.

He said that he wants to do one more FET this year, and if it doesn't work, then we will concentrate on our wedding and finally getting married. I need to cancel our wedding that is already booked for this December. We can't keep the church and reception on hold until another FET, it's not fair if they can get another booking.

So, we can finally start looking to the future, and another FET. I think another month or so will be about right for me to get my excitement back :o)