Thursday, 18 March 2010

Infected by the Bitter Bug

I've never been jealous of other people's pregnancies. Even with TTC for this long, it's never been an issue. Whenever I hear an announcement, I feel genuine happiness for the couple. Not anymore. I'm becoming one of those bitter women. And it's happened to DF too...

If ever I've felt sad, or had a tiny moan about someone getting pregnant really quickly, DF has always said that it will be our turn soon and that everything happens for a reason. But then I got a text from him tonight at college. Here is the conversation:

DF: We need to get a card for H & M. She's pregnant!

Me: You don't buy a card when someone is pregnant

DF: What do you buy then?

Me: You don't buy anything it's bad luck. If she has a baby shower then you can then. How far gone is she?

DF: She found out and told family on Saturday. I'm supposed to keep it quiet too.

Me: So only a few weeks then?

DF: Possibly. Wasn't really that pleased for them. Probably a bit harsh. Asked if they'd been trying. Not really was the answer!

Me: Thank goodness cos I feel the same. Never been bitter at other people's pregnancies but nearly cried when you texted me. It's just not fair :o(

I can't believe he felt like that. It's never bothered him before. When we spoke after college, he said he felt bad for thinking like that and he didn't really congratulate them, so he feels awful now. And they're really happy so what can we do?

Things are starting to affect me now. I'm getting sucked into the IVF emotional rollercoaster. I had a tough weekend. On Saturday I read a Facebook status of a pregnant friend moaning that she couldn't drink and was counting down the weeks til she could. It really upset me as I was going out with my friend that night, drinking for the first time in months. I didn't want to. I'd have given anything to be having a reason not to drink. I really really wanted to comment on her status, either to say 'I'll trade places with you' or 'You don't know how lucky you are'. But I know I couldn't as I work with her boyfriend and I didn't want to be gossiped about at work.

I got home from my friend's house on Sunday morning and DF was still in bed so we lazed around all morning. I was on Facebook and everyone was leaving Mother's Day messages, all about how much they love their kids etc. I mean it's lovely but it really got to me and I cried.

We went out for the rest of the day and then me and DF had a tiny disagreement and I completely lost it with him. We had a huge argument. I cried and cried and cried. I really needed to let it all out. Afterwards we had a really good talk and so in a way I was glad we'd argued!!

I told him that he'd had a pretty easy ride with me. I've only been getting PMT for the past two years and even then it's only for a day. I sailed through the first cycle of IVF with no problems whatsoever. I had no moodswings, nothing. I did all the injections and appointments myself, he didn't have to do or put up with anything. With the miscarriage, I just forced myself to get on with it. We never really talked about it or how we felt about it. I've done the FET again with no problems. And now I've failed, it's all becoming too much to keep inside. I can't do it by myself anymore. I need him.

I hope that you are not thinking that he is uncaring or unsupportive. It's not that at all. He has a lot of issues that stem back to his childhood, and so he deals with things in his own way, by himself, and he admitted that he expects others to do the same. He's not one for talking about his problems but he said that he is getting upset with everything too. It was a major breakthrough for him to talk about his feelings like that. He said that he will try to be there for me more, and there's been an improvement already.

If there is anything good to come out of this IVF process so far, it has been that it has brought us closer together. During the first cycle, he was a completely new person. He was so caring and lovely. I remember texting my friend telling her how amazing he was being. I always knew that that person was hiding inside his tough exterior, and I'm glad that I was proven right. It's also making me realise that he is hurting too from this. Because of the way he deals with things, it's easy to forget how he is feeling. I've definitely made an effort this week to watch out for him too.

I really hope that things improve soon, and together I think we can get there. It still has been less than two weeks since my BFN, I can't expect to feel better overnight. But then this is me, I'm not used to feeling so down all the time or letting things affect me. I'm still very scared of doing another cycle. But for now, I must try to be happy for other people. I WILL NOT BE BITTER ANYMORE!!!


Chasing a Miracle said...

I think sometimes you have to be bitter. If your not honest with your feelings, like you said, if you hold them inside, then at a later date they will all come rushing out.

Being bitter, angry, hurt and envious is one of the worst parts of IVF, and on that matter, so is face book and ungrateful mothers...

I wish i could write just the right words that would give you hope and help you through this hard time, but i know in my heart that no matter what anyone says this is something you have to go through together with your husband.

I went to hell and back, just like you are right now, there were days i wanted to take my life, and days that i hated everything and everyone. Nothing seems fair and the hurt that people go through is unjust.

All i can say is hold on, please. Search deep down within you, find the things in life that make you happy, and hold onto faith, hope, and love.

Last mothers day was the worst day of my life. It was the 15th year after my mothers death, my second failed IUI, my grandfather was on his death bed, and my sister found out she was pregnant with her 3rd child.... i hated life, i hated myself, i was so bitter and angry i forgot about what i had in life... But i got through it, i held on, just like i know you will.

All my thoughts and prayers are with you and your husband. Just know that you are strong and courageous and that you can do this no matter how hard it is. And someday soon, when there is a life growing in side of you, you can post on your face book page that you are stronger and better than any one of those mothers out there who just want to drink, because you gave up everything to be a mother.

May God be with you.


Anne said...

There's nothing wrong with being bitter and mourning what you don't have, it's part of the process I think.

Hang in there.

Anonymous said...

I have those bitter times. I think that they are normal. I feel the same way about infertility-it has brought P and me so much closer.

We will be moms!!! *hugs*

Anonymous said...

I've been battling bitterness too. And it's so hard when preggo ladies complain. :( I'm so sorry. :(

be.encouraged said...

:-( Wow i luv your blogs there so honest. I really like the fact that you are trying to change the way you helps it really does:-)

apieceofwood said...

I think we all have those bitter times. Mothers Day this year was especially tough for me. You're not wrong or bad for how you feel, it's normal to feel that way... take it easy on yourself... great blog btw..