Wednesday, 10 March 2010

My BIG FAT BFN

First I'd like to say a big thank you to all of my Twitter friends who have sent me thoughtful messages over the last few days. We told barely anyone this time, so it was nice to know so many people were thinking of me.

The day started off just fine. I went for the bloodtest and then we set off to the beach. We had a lovely long walk on the sandy beach and then we went for some lunch. I started to get a little agitated as the nurse said she would ring around lunchtime. We then did something really funny. We drove to the other beach in the town and parked the car. DF said he was really tired and could just go to sleep. So I said, well we'll just have a little nap then. And so we did, just like all the old couples I've seen so many times at the beach :o) We then went for a walk on the shingles beach, where I eventually got my phone call.

The nurse rang and she sounded so cheery, I just had an instant smile on my face. DF was stood with me, but then our dog ran after another so he walked away to watch him. But her cheery voice then said she had some bad news. My beta score was 4. Not an absolute negative, but the levels were probably to do with my tablets and pessaries. She told me to stop taking them and then AF will come. After AF has finished I will have to go for another blood test to check that the HCG level has dropped below 2, which is a definite negative. She then said we could discuss the next steps, but she didn't go into detail at all, so I'm unsure how long I'll have to wait.

I finished on the phone as DF was just walking back to me. I just shook my head at him, and he said 'Stop messing around' with a huge grin on his face. Well, my face just crumpled and I burst into tears. We stood on the beach hugging with me crying and crying. Luckily there wasn't anyone about. I managed not to cry too much as I knew we would have to walk back to the car and past people. I knew I couldn't speak to anyone so I started to text my mum and sister, but somehow my phone turned into Chinese. There was nearly a smashed iPhone on the rocks.

We got back to the car and I just had tears streaming down my face the whole way home. I already had in the back of my mind that if it didn't work I would start going running. In my daze I asked DF if he would take me shopping at the weekend to buy some new trainers, I wanted to get those Nike ones that you hook up to your iPod to monitor your running. We were going past a shopping centre and so we decided to stop off. I have no idea why, I was in such a state. We had a quick wander round and they didn't have the trainers anyway. But he bought me a nice bright hoody to go running in while it's still quite cold.

When we got home, we stopped off at the supermarket, and again, I just wandered round in a complete other world. We got the things we needed and then finally went home. I went straight up to bed and just let it all pour out. I cried and cried and cried, so much so that my stomach hurt. I cried so hard, but it needed to come out. DF came up after a bit and we just lay on the bed for ages cuddled up. We went back downstairs eventually, but we both fell asleep on the sofa pretty quickly. We were just exhausted.

I didn't expect to feel like this. I thought I'd be OK if it was negative, but obviously not. It hit me a million times harder than what I thought it would. The only way I can describe how it was, is that it was like someone had died. I felt that depressed and upset. It was real grief. I don't remember feeling like this after my miscarriage. Of course I was upset, but I think I just forced myself to get on with it. This has all been completely new to me.

I don't know how I feel about trying again. I asked DF what we were going to do now, and he said 'We'll just have to try again'. I felt shocked for some reason. I just couldn't contemplate the thought of going through this again. I'm sure I'll come round eventually, but right now I'm just not so sure.

My problem is that I thought it had worked. After my first IVF there were things I knew I wanted to do differently this time, and I did. I did everything by the book and I thought I had a much better chance this time. I had symptoms, very real symptoms. Where these came from, I don't know. Maybe it was the tablets or the pessaries. In my What to Expect book, it lists the following symptoms for weeks 3 and 4 (the 2ww) -
  • Implantation bleeding - Less than 30% of women get this, so I wasn't too bothered that I didn't
  • Breast changes - mine definitely grew, they were much fuller and I was getting red marks from my bras
  • Bloating & flatulence - yes to both!
  • Fatigue, lack of energy, sleepiness - I was tired just from walking up the stairs! But also tired all the time
  • More frequent urination - can't really tell as I doubled my water intake
  • Beginnings of nausea - yes, a few times
  • Increased sensitivity to smells - definitely had this one!

So what else was I supposed to think, other than that I was pregnant?! Everyone was rooting for me, and also so sure that it was going to work. I texted my sister when I got the results, simply saying it hadn't worked. She told me last night that she thought it was a joke, and that I would ring back with the good news. And when i didn't, she cried too.

I wouldn't say I had the whole year planned out, but I'd thought about lots of things this year while I would be pregnant. We are going to a few weddings and I had thought that I would get a really beautiful maternity dress to wear. I had planned about how long I was going to stay at the hen nights because I would want to be going home early. I was looking forward to leaving work. I was thinking how lovely it would be to have the baby arrive before Christmas. And I would also be fulfilling my wish of having my first child before (or when) I was 28. None of those things are going to happen now how I had envisaged.

I'm just not sure I can go through the 2ww again. The actual FET process is fine, I can do it again no problem. But the emotions of the 2ww? I just don't know. I HAVE to do something different this time. I think a holiday is the only way round it, but I will have to think more carefully nearer the time. I got too stressed out and worried this time.

People have said to me, don't blame yourself for this. There's nothing else you could've done. I know they're right, but I have to feel like I'm doing everything I can. The only thing I can do next time is to be more fit and healthy. So my goal is now to get rid of this extra stone (14lb) that I've been carrying around and moaning about for the past year and do some proper exercise. I'm pretty unfit, so I'm going to go running with my doggy and eat perfectly and shift it once and for all. I can't do anything more. It might not even help the FET but at least I will have tried. This will be our last free FET cycle, so I have to have the best shot at it. If anything, at least I will feel better about myself if I shift the weight.

I'm so glad that we didn't really tell anyone. I couldn't have coped with having to tell everyone the bad news. It was bad enough with just the few we did have to tell. I will definitely be doing that again next time.

So all I can do is take things slowly, and hopefully soon I will feel ready to get on the rollercoaster again with 2 of my 9 remaining frosties xx

10 comments:

Jen @ After The Alter said...

I'm so sorry. It is awful to get your hopes up only to have them crushed. I hate all the 2ww and pregnancy sympotoms. I swear I have had them all..even at the same time with no pregnancy. They are just there to mess with you and it's mean. I'm sorry ***Hugs***

Holly said...

I am so so sorry that this FET didn't work. I wish there was something I could say or do that would make it better but know that you have a lot of support out here in cyber space and we are all rooting for you and your remaining frosties. *Huge Hugs*

Chasing a Miracle said...

i wish i had words to say that would make you feel a little better, but i dont. But i do understand your pain, and i do know that it will ease. Continue on your journey, and focus on your goals, it may be the only thing that may get you through. I love running, it helps me to escape when i need a break from the world.
Remember that you are not alone and that no matter what happened, or what happens you are a survivor, and you will make it through, and one day soon you will be holding that so desperately desired child of yours, and you will know that all the pain you went through was worth it.
I now have real tears rolling down my face for you, you will be in my prayers, never forget how much you are loved and respected.
*HUGS* big fat squishy loving *HUGS*

Anne said...

I'm so sorry that you are going through this.
You are very brave for writing this. I had the same feelings when I misscarried, it really is like a death. I'm scared that I also told too many people about the ivf, We'll see.
I wish you all the best. Time may not heal all wounds but it will get better. Good luck, thinking of you.

liberalgranolagirl said...

You have been on my mind and heart since you announced it on Twitter. I wish that I could make all the hurt go away. *huge hugs*

Ashley said...

I am so so sorry. :( I know that nothing I can say can take away the hurt that you are feeling. But know that you are in my thoughts and prayers. *Hugs!*

BooஐWantsBaby IVF Diary said...

**Big Hugs** I am so so sorry Fi! Thoughts with your and your DH xx

InfertileNaomi said...

And when infertility brings us heartache and tears, all we can do is keep believing and start tomorrow with a new sense of hope. Wishing you all the best.

Waiting Lisa said...

I am so sorry that this didn't work for you.

I know exactly what it is like to plan for something and then as time goes by and those events you planned on being pregnant for happen, it makes it all even harder. My husband and I are adopting and whenever I think of an event that is far away, I assume we will have our baby by then (I think about going to them or doing them with our baby), and then when those events come and go, it's very painful. It's very hard to accept that time keeps going by while you are stuck in the "trying" or "waiting" phase. It feels never-ending.

I am so sorry you have to go through this.

kmaelim said...

Stumbled upon your blog, and just want to say, thank you for writing this, even though it must have been so painful to do so. From halfway across the world in Singapore, I can really relate to the feelings you've described, having been unsuccessful with IVF. I'm now in the 2ww for my FET again and after going nuts trying to Google everything (again!), I realise that there's only so much one can do or control. Everything else is in God's hands and in his time. God bless you!