- Implantation bleeding - Less than 30% of women get this, so I wasn't too bothered that I didn't
- Breast changes - mine definitely grew, they were much fuller and I was getting red marks from my bras
- Bloating & flatulence - yes to both!
- Fatigue, lack of energy, sleepiness - I was tired just from walking up the stairs! But also tired all the time
- More frequent urination - can't really tell as I doubled my water intake
- Beginnings of nausea - yes, a few times
- Increased sensitivity to smells - definitely had this one!
So what else was I supposed to think, other than that I was pregnant?! Everyone was rooting for me, and also so sure that it was going to work. I texted my sister when I got the results, simply saying it hadn't worked. She told me last night that she thought it was a joke, and that I would ring back with the good news. And when i didn't, she cried too.
I wouldn't say I had the whole year planned out, but I'd thought about lots of things this year while I would be pregnant. We are going to a few weddings and I had thought that I would get a really beautiful maternity dress to wear. I had planned about how long I was going to stay at the hen nights because I would want to be going home early. I was looking forward to leaving work. I was thinking how lovely it would be to have the baby arrive before Christmas. And I would also be fulfilling my wish of having my first child before (or when) I was 28. None of those things are going to happen now how I had envisaged.
I'm just not sure I can go through the 2ww again. The actual FET process is fine, I can do it again no problem. But the emotions of the 2ww? I just don't know. I HAVE to do something different this time. I think a holiday is the only way round it, but I will have to think more carefully nearer the time. I got too stressed out and worried this time.
People have said to me, don't blame yourself for this. There's nothing else you could've done. I know they're right, but I have to feel like I'm doing everything I can. The only thing I can do next time is to be more fit and healthy. So my goal is now to get rid of this extra stone (14lb) that I've been carrying around and moaning about for the past year and do some proper exercise. I'm pretty unfit, so I'm going to go running with my doggy and eat perfectly and shift it once and for all. I can't do anything more. It might not even help the FET but at least I will have tried. This will be our last free FET cycle, so I have to have the best shot at it. If anything, at least I will feel better about myself if I shift the weight.
I'm so glad that we didn't really tell anyone. I couldn't have coped with having to tell everyone the bad news. It was bad enough with just the few we did have to tell. I will definitely be doing that again next time.
So all I can do is take things slowly, and hopefully soon I will feel ready to get on the rollercoaster again with 2 of my 9 remaining frosties xx