Last Friday I went to the hospital to have another beta test done to check that the levels had gone back below 2, which is a negative. As I was driving up to the hospital, it came into view and I just felt a jolt in my stomach. I didn't want to go. I sat on the bed waiting for the nurse to take my blood and all I could think of was that I really didn't want to be there.
It was a really brief appointment. She said we can try again as soon as I've had another AF. If AF doesn't come (this happened last time), I just have to wait until I have missed one and then we can start. I'm due this week coming, so anytime after next week is OK. But I'm not ready for that yet.
I have still felt really down for most of the week. I have been getting really fed up with it all. I don't ever let things get to me too much, so it's all really strange. When I'd read on Twitter about ladies getting BFNs and then being really down about it, I just didn't understand, and I didn't know why they let it affect them so much. Now I completely understand and I'm sorry for ever thinking that way about other people.
The last couple of days, I feel to have turned a tiny corner. I have decided to take some advice from my best Twitter bud @vhl_pgd_girl and think 'Positive Positive Positive' everytime a negative thought enters my head. I even survived a trip to Babies R Us yesterday!
Last night we went out for a meal and we discussed when to try again. I can't start straight away. I mean I'm not ready anyway, but my supervisor has just started IVF and we can't both be having time off for appointments and then the ET together. It's hard enough trying to hide it from our colleagues as it is. I have decided to work it around my exams. I have my final two exams in the 3rd week of June and so we are going to schedule it so that the ET would be the week after. We could obviously do it earlier than this, but if I get a BFN again before my exams, I just can't go into a depression again and let it affect them. Not after all this hard work. So I am going to speak to the hospital and start the process in the middle of May, as it took 6 weeks last time. This sounds like a long way off, but I'm sure the time will fly by. My sister is due in the middle of June, so it also works out that I will be able to spend lots of time with my new niece after the ET.
DF then brought up the subject of our wedding! Very odd... He said he feels like he just wants us to go away and do it, but that our families would be too upset. He said that he wants to get married abroad, as he just can't justify the expense of a wedding here. I agree with him in some ways, but my intention is to do it cheaply anyway. My sister had a wonderful wedding and only spent £6000. I could do it the same, and because we are getting married in winter, we can make huge savings on things like cars and photographers.
He didn't seem to be buying this anyway. My argument on getting married abroad is that not everyone will be able to or afford to come. And you still need a big party when you get back. Plus I would really like to get married in church. He agreed to my suggestion of a blessing in church when we got back, but it's still another expense.
I'm hoping he goes off the idea anyway. My dream wedding is a winter wonderland. I have it all sorted in my head, from the colour scheme, to the outfits, to the food and music played. To get married abroad is sacrificing everything I ever wanted from my wedding.
He said that he wants to do one more FET this year, and if it doesn't work, then we will concentrate on our wedding and finally getting married. I need to cancel our wedding that is already booked for this December. We can't keep the church and reception on hold until another FET, it's not fair if they can get another booking.
So, we can finally start looking to the future, and another FET. I think another month or so will be about right for me to get my excitement back :o)