Saturday, 1 January 2011

New Year, new start

Hello! Wow this is my first blog in 8 months! There's a lot to catch up on so here goes:

After having two weeks off work in April, I started to feel much better. I went back to work for a week and then we had the holiday to Spain. It was just what I needed and I felt so much better. I had intended to start IVF again in May, but as time passed, I just wasn't ready.

A friend suggested to me that we should have a good break, and finally get married. It took a lot of persuading to get DH to agree. He was adamant that he wanted to do another FET first. I just couldn't face it. In the end up I think he realised that I really wasn't in the right place to do another FET and I couldn't make him any promises about when I'd be ready. After having only just postponed the wedding for another year, we rebooked everything and away we went.

The wedding was booked for the 4th December. We only had 6 months to go. I promised to myself that I wouldn't do any wedding planning until after I had done my exams in June as I knew I wouldn't put enough effort in and I would get carried away with the excitement of the wedding.

In July I went to Oxford for the weekend to meet up with the lovely ivfchronicles, mrskmummytobe and phillygordon. It was great to finally meet the people I had been talking to on twitter for so long! But then something strange happened. I drifted away from twitter. I lost interest in everything and unfortunately lost contact somewhat with some of the very good friends I had made. At this point I left my ivfdiary twitter and used my old 'real-life' one to keep my twitter friends up to date with the wedding. I couldn't bear to read everyone's baby / IF news, it was still all so raw to me. And it all felt completely alien. I just had no interest in it all and I felt so far removed from the whole infertility thing. I have to say sorry to you ladies for disappearing. You have all been so amazing to me during my IVF journey and I'm surprised you have kept in touch with me after I have been around so little. I have missed out on returning the favour and helping you out and being there for you on so many occasions. And the longer I kept away, the harder I felt it was to join back in. I am going to make more of an effort now and really hope I can slot back into the twitter IF community fairly easily.

The next few months were spent planning the wedding and getting very stressed. It got to October and things weren't good. I wasn't enjoying the wedding planning. It was all a chore. I was having arguments with my mum and sister left, right and centre. My niece was born in May and everything was great at first. I couldn't wait to see her all the time, it was so exciting! But gradually everytime I saw them, I was starting to feel a kind of resentment. The whole world seemed to revolve around her. I didn't get a look in. I felt left out. I was jealous of the new bond my mum and sister had. Nobody was interested in my wedding. Nobody was helping me with any of it. My sister couldn't do all of the fun things I had planned as she had the baby to look after. It got worse and worse and harder and harder. To the point where I didn't want to go round to my mum's if my niece was there. One day she told me to come round and I did, believing they had gone home, but there were all there and I sat the whole evening nearly crying just wanting to leave.

I don't know where it came from. I can only assume that it was rooted in the fact that me and my sister were due to have babies within a week of each other. Everything she had, I should've had. We should've been experiencing it all together. I never sat and actively thought these things, but looking back, there's no other explanation really.

I eventually talked to my mum about it and also to my sister. The hardest bit was that my sister had noticed how I was behaving. She knew I hadn't bonded with my niece. She told me straight that I was missing out on so much and I had to get help. I went back to the doctors. It was lovely to talk to someone who 'got me'. She completely understood everything that I was saying and I felt like a huge weight had been lifted off my shoulders. She told me to go on internet forums etc, and I explained about all of you. At this point in time, there was only me and ivfchronicles that weren't pregnant in our original group of twitter friends. And I know how hard that was for both of us.

The doctor did a depression survey on me, and said that she wouldn't class me as depressed but that everything was obviously getting on top of me. She put me on a low dose of anti-depressants to see how I went. They started to work pretty quickly. I didn't feel much different, but they kind of made everything 'wash over' me. Nothing bothered me, nothing could get me down. I felt kind of numb. I went back after a month and she agreed that as I had my wedding coming up, I needed to feel some kind of emotion (I couldn't get excited or anything) and so changed my tablets. I got lots of side effects - trouble sleeping, night sweats and unexplained bruising - so the doctor switched my back to the other ones.

We got married!! The week before was very very stressful, especially as it decided to snow really badly. I had enough on without everyone whinging at me about how they were going to get there etc! A few people coming from afar cancelled and quite a few people didn't come to the evening reception, but it all turned out ok in the end! 3 of my bridesmaids wore wellies to go the church, and DH had to wear his walking boots but they all got glammed up once we had got to the reception venue.

I didn't enjoy a lot of the wedding process. I can only put this down to my state of mind. It was all too stressful. However, my absolute favourite bit was the actual wedding ceremony. I was on cloud 9, I beamed the whole way through. It was perfect, and that's the only bit that matters - the getting married bit. We then had a wonderful few days in Bath and that made up for everything from the week before.

Christmas wasn't very enjoyable. And I love Christmas! We were away until the 8th December. As soon as we got back, we both got flu really badly. So we missed out on another week of preparations. Everything was so rushed for Christmas. And then my grandad died. The funeral was the day before Christmas Eve. My mum cancelled Christmas. It was a very odd week and none of us have truly enjoyed it. We've had lots of family arguments this week that I suppose is just everyone's grief coming out, and I've been stuck in the middle, trying to hold it all together.

So it's a new year and a fresh start now. I had always intended to start IVF again in January. I don't feel 100% ready, but when are we ever ready to put ourselves through this? I have to just put the last year behind me and get on with it. We have booked our proper honeymoon for the middle of February. I'm going to try to make an appointment at the clinic next week and hopefully work the FET around the honeymoon. Last time the FET took 6 weeks, and there were quite a few weeks where you didn't need appointments etc, so hopefully it will all slot together and I will be looking at a transfer in March sometime.

I'm still on the anti-depressants, although I forget to take them most days and I'm still ok so maybe I don't need them after all. I also need to discuss them with the ivf clinic in case they might affect a FET in any way.

I'm finding it hard at the moment to keep up with my ivfdiary twitter. Because I've been friends with a lot of you for over 18 months, I know everything about you. We're friends on facebook. I know what you look like and I've met some of you. I don't know who any of my new followers are, or any of the new ladies in the circle. I don't know anyone's name, I can't even remember profile pictures! So please bear with me, introduce yourself if you like. Hopefully I'll get back into the swing of it again soon.



BroodyIVFMummy said...

I'm one of your new followers! I am so pleased that your wedding was perfect, I loved my day and often look at the pics to remind me of the moments that seemed to rush past.

I completely understand about needing some time away. I've only been part of the IF Twitter community for a short time, but some days I need to distance myself. No-one blames you for that (or at least I don't think they do) and I look forward to sharing your journey over the coming months. I'm hoping to start my IVF cycle in March, so we may be cycle buddies!

Enjoy your honeymoon


loo-c-lew said...

Hi ya I'm a new follower/ twitter,
I'm at the very beginning of the whole process, 2010 was a very bad year... So glad to b 2011.

My husband has been seen in October but haven't got my apt until end of jan!! At the moment everyone around me is having/ had babies, I work with babies ... It's like this cloud that just follows me everywhere!!! ( can't wait for some sun and a bit of the cloud to lift!!)

It's nice to read that some of the feelings and thoughts are similar to other people in the same situation, I know people not in this situation try and be kind and give some positive advice from people they know , but I find it frustrating cos it shows that they don't really understand the situation we are in.
I don't know if u have found this too!! I'm glad u are back blogging x x x

Melody said...

Hey there! I'm a new follower too, also quite new to Twitter so please bear with me as I try to get my head round it!

We've had a busy year in 2010 getting ready for IVF with ICSI, my hubby has been in for his op in December and I have my blood tests this coming Wednesday to determine which drugs etc I'll have to take, then as far as I'm aware I'll be starting on my next cycle and fingers crossed I'll be ready for my transfer end of Feb beginning of March.

I feel really excited :-)

I understand about you needing to take the time out, it can be so hard when everybody else in the world seems to be popping babies out left right and centre. I am the oldest of all my 7 sisters and have 7 nieces and 2 nephews, whilst I
reckon I'm the bestest Aunty in the world, I so wanna be a mum! I have a stepson and stepdaughter, 22 and 25, the stepson is so excited for us, sadly I can't say the same for the stepdaughter though :-( oh well eh...
Anyways, I'm hoping that this is our year, i've had positive results happening the past couple of months with regards to my acupuncture appointments as well as the one Reiki appointment I've had, so fingers crossed eh.
Hope to get to know you all soon, and hope we can all enjoy our journey together.
Take care
Melody xoxox
Ps congratulations on your wedding!

Tina said...

Hi I am Tina one of your new followers. I am new to twitter too. I created a vlog on YouTube last year for our IVF/ICSI.
Congrats in your wedding and enjoy Vegas. We eloped there from the UK in 2000 and love the place. We now live in New Zealand. Good luck for your FET. We are going to do one in April and are spending the first part of the year losingweight and getting mind and body ready.

Chasing a Miracle said...

I just want to start by saying that while time has passed and while situations have changed, my thoughts for you have not. Each month as i saw your brief updates from your personal account i couldnt help but to wonder how you really were. I may not have said much and i may not have chatted as much as i could have but i want you to know that you were never far from my mind nor my prayers.
I am so sorry to hear that times have been tough and that your family life has been hard, i understand your envy for your sister and niece as in 2009 i faced the same thing, when i was trying so hard to fall pregnant my sister fell pregnant after trying for 3 months and it was her third child, i wanted to be happy for her and i wanted to support her but inside it was killing me, it just wasnt fair. The pain deepened when last year on the 8th of january the doctor told me i was going to have a miscarriage on the same day as i watched my nephew be born... And while things worked out ok for me in the end, i know the kind of pain that it is and i understand just how deep it runs and all i can do is pray that you will be ok, and that the FET that you go through in feb/march will bring you all the happiness you deserve.
If i learned anything from my journey it is that having courage isnt about being strong and hiding your pain, it is about showing yourself for who you really are, having courage is about being honest and realizing that you need people in your life who have been through the same type of pain as you are experiencing, and having courage is knowing that when you are in the deepest darkest tunnel, when you feel like there is no light in sight letting the people who love you the most run into that dark tunnel to meet you and to help guide you out.
I hope and pray everyday that your miracle is waiting for you in 2011 and i hope that you will be able to find the support and love that you need.
There is a little saying that someone once passed onto me:
When the world shouts give up, hope whispers one more time...
Sending you all my love and prayers always.