Wednesday, 21 April 2010

Meltdown

So last Thursday I had a meltdown. I don't know where it came from, I don't know why or what brought it on. I was putting some washing away and i looked underneath the window and I thought 'I could just sit down there and have a really good cry'. And I did. And the tears didn't stop for hours. I thought about all of the IVF stuff and my miscarriage.

I was complaining to DF that no-one understood me and that everyone thinks I am OK now, but I'm obviously not. He said that the only way was to tell people how I am feeling. I went to work the next day with red puffy eyes. I sat and constructed an email throughout the morning, with tears in my eyes the whole time. This is what I sent to my mum, sister and 6 friends:

Hi
I've been through a lot over the last year with my IVF and I'm struggling to cope with it now. I needed to let you know that even though I seem OK on the outside and I say I'm alright, I'm not. I had a bit of a breakdown last night. I don’t know where it came from, or why it has taken so long to come out but it did in a big way. I cried and cried and cried, I think for the first time since I got my negative test result last month. And I couldn't stop. T didn't know what to do with me, he's not used to a blubbering mess! Even when I'd calmed down a bit, tears kept streaming for no reason and I really couldn’t stop. I think I've been bottling it all up for way too long now. I think I've not said anything before because I couldn't explain how I felt. All I knew was I felt really down all the time but I couldn't describe why. Then an IVF friend on the internet told me how she was feeling and it was perfect. She said she feels 'Bored, unmotivated, unsettled, irritable, infertile and fat. It's more than feeling down, it's feeling like I'm in limbo with no motivation to enjoy anything.' that's exactly how I'm feeling. And while it's good that I have people on the internet I can talk to who understand how I'm feeling, I can't keep living this double life of pretending everything's OK in real life but being honest on the internet. I said to t last night that no-one understands me and I think you all think I've got over everything and he said the only thing I could do was tell you. You can't understand how I'm feeling, I know that. even if you've had fertility problems or a miscarriage yourself, you can sympathise but you haven't had everything I've had to go through. You might think I'm being silly, there are people with worse problems in the world.to be honest, I've seen other ladies on the internet feeling like this and I haven't understood why until now. I just thought, why can't they get over it? I don't sit and think about what has happened to me and I don't sit thinking about why I'm not pregnant. It's just I feel like crap all of the time and I don't understand why. I feel like I'm living in my own little world. You know who you are - I'm sorry if I've not been in touch as much as I should've been or not been to see you, I'm sorry if I haven't replied to messages as quickly as I should've done, I'm sorry if I've annoyed you or upset you. maybe you can understand why now. I suppose this has been going on since the miscarriage in October / November. Although I felt OK afterwards, I don't think I was. the disappointment of this last IVF has just added to it. I thought I'd feel OK by now, but I don't. I think it has been made worse by seeing t struggle too. as you know, he normally bottles everything up but it is really getting to him too. I want to start IVF again next month but I don't think I'm ready yet. Hopefully with some support in the real world I might come round a bit. The last thing I want is to end up with full blown depression, so hopefully by admitting it all now I will prevent that. Sorry for rambling but I needed to get it off my chest

I cant believe the response i got from my friends. One friend immediately texted me, wanting to meet up and we had a really good talk that night. she said she had wondered how i was coping so well. My best friend was really apologetic, she hadn't known what to say to me (she got pregnant the first month they tried!!) and said it was easier to accept my first answer if i said i was OK. my mum had a bit of a go, asking why hadn't i talked to her before. i also had a long phone conversation with another of my oldest friends. i then had four wonderful emails back, which i will post in my next blog. if you're wondering why it doesn't add up, yes one friend has ignored me. i don't know why i sent it to her really.

The next day i felt a lot better for getting everything off my chest. we had already arranged to go over to my sister's and go to the Mamas and Papas outlet to get some last bits she needed. Maybe I shouldn't have gone. I was doing OK, until my nan started asking questions:

Nan: Have you rung the hospital to get your next appointment yet?
Me: No
N: I thought you were going soon?
M: No not yet
N: Well why?
M: I'm not doing too well Nan
N: Have the hospital said that?
M: No I've said that
N: Well what's wrong?
M: Nothing I'll tell you later
N: Well I want to know now
M: No I'm gonna cry
N: Well I want to know what's wrong with you!

And I just burst into tears in the middle of the shop and had to go running out. It was so embarrassing!! I was doing fine up until that point. After I had sat outside for a bit, I went back in and it was OK again. But I just wanted to go home. But we had to go for lunch, then back to her house to look at the nursery. On the way home, something really scary happened, I nearly fell asleep at the wheel at least three times. In the middle of the afternoon. I just knew then that I wasn't right. I got home to find DF's friend there with a bunch of flowers (he had got the email) and an invite to his villa in Spain. So we are off in 3 weeks time. He has been the one that has surprised me the most. I got two long emails from him, the flowers, the holiday, on Sunday he cooked us our lunch and then we sat and watched DVDs all afternoon. Just the perfect distraction.

I went to work on Monday and found that I had made lots of mistakes on Friday. I just couldn't concentrate either. I went to have a word with my boss and she was great as usual. Both mums had told me to go the doctors and so I went yesterday. I didn't want to cry but of course i did straight away!! She seemed quite surprised that I had done 2 IVFs in a year. I know we all do it, but maybe it is too much for us? She also said that she believes we should be given counselling BEFORE an IVF so that we are fully aware of what it entails.

She said that i could either be suffering from a kind of grief from all of this, or mental exhaustion. She signed me off work for 2 weeks and I have to go see her again at the end of it. If I am better by then, then it was just exhaustion. If not, then it is a deeper rooted problem and it will need to be looked at further. I think the mental exhaustion sounds about right. In the past year I've had an abandoned IVF, an IVF, OHSS, a miscarriage, a failed FET, along with full-time work, college 2 nights a week plus study at weekends, my sister being pregnant, issues with a good friend, dog training classes, poorly grandparents. The list just goes on. No wonder this has happened to me.

4 comments:

ivfjackie said...

I had tears when i read this,its funny that people who dont "know" you know exactly how you feel & the people that are closest to us have no idea. So proud that you went ot the doctors fi, its a had step to take,but with the love of your friends & family the clouds WILL slowly part & you WILL see the sunshining just for you!Juat be kind to youself & take each day as it comes, big hugs jacqui xxx

Anonymous said...

This post made me cry because I remember feeling this way in the summer so well. You are more sensible than me though, I didn't tell anyone.

To be honest I think most people would have cracked ages before you did after what you have been through.

I hope now that you have some time off and you have let people know how you feel that you start to feel better. Your friends sound amazing.

Rosie xx

JZ said...

Thanks so much for posting your raw emotions. I've been struggling with infertility for almost 3 years and sometimes it really gets to me. I bottle it up and usually only vent on my blog. I don't think I've ever just sat down with my friends and fully told them how I feel. Maybe I should...
Thanks again!
JZ @ infertilityandthecity@blogspot.com

Ashley said...

Wow. I think the words you wrote in that e-mail describe how I have felt as well. I think it's great that you were able to be so open and honest with people close to you!